W hat do we do now? Helping Dads Succeed

What do we do now?Helping Dads Succeed Dr. Richard Amaral Psychologist www.PsychologyForGrowth.com

Objectives • Increase knowledge about father-related issues • Learn strategies and new ideas for working with dads

Background Information • There is great diversity in the makeup of today’s father: • Dads who stay at home while mom works • Dads who never see their kids • Single-parent homes • Blended family – dad shares parenting with his current girlfriend and former partner (child’s mother) • Dads who live with their parents, and who’s parents are very involved in parenting grandchildren • Marginalized dads who have barriers to parenting

More background info… • At an early age, young girls are already thinking of “being a mommy.” Young boys are not thinking that until much later in life. • Fathers come to parenting with less psychological, social and emotional preparation than mothers. • Conclusion: • “Fathering can be conceptualized as more contextually sensitive than mothering” Doherty, Kouneski, and Erickson (1998)

Research on Parental Self-Efficacy • Phillip Sevigny – His doctoral research looked at Parental Self-Efficacy (their overall competence at parenting) • Results: Women’s general competencies in life were related to their feelings in their ability as mothers. Fathers’ general competence was not related to being a parent. • What does this mean? • There is a steeeeeeep learning curve for fathers, even though all parents learn on the job. • Being a ‘dad’ is not the first thing men think about

Qualitative studies: • Dads’ bonding with children (even toddlers): • Takes longer than expected (even for the dads) • Adjustment to fatherhood was “disruptive, disappointing, and frustrating. Men realized they lacked the skills, experience, support, time and recognition they needed for fathering.” (Janice Goodman of MGIHP) • Therefore, dads often “decide” how involved they will be in their child’s life. Could you imagine if moms had to “decide” to be involved in child’s life?

What this means… • This means as workers, we need to support men in their new roles. • Help them schedule time, give them information to develop the skills, give the recognition • Fathers who felt supported (e.g., by their own parents, by their partners, by friends, by employers) felt more competent as dads.

Important Factors: • Employment: Dads with jobs feel more competent, and encouraged to spend time with their children • Father’s quality of interactions with their children is related to their success, perceived or real, as breadwinners. • Role-Models: Inconsistent findings. • Some dads vow to do the opposite of their own dads • Others repeat the pattern

Cultural Notes • In one study of Sudanese and Ethiopian fathers, they felt pressure to be more involved, but lacked the communal and family support they would have received back home. • Indigenous dads: many weren’t parented either by mom or dad (because of residential schools). • However, many credit group therapy for anger management, or substance abuse treatment as helping them communicate better with their own children • Consider the cultural implications of your clients

Other factors… • Dads with personality traits such as openness, sociability, warmth, extroversion, take more responsibility for the care of their children. • Programs that teach parenting, child development, or valuing the fathering role, is only helpful to dads who already have supportive social and economic environments.

So, what do we do now? • Help your male client look for work • Help them with resume • Help them rehearse job interviews • Address the contextual factors as well as parenting skills (e.g., probation, housing, substance use issues) • Connect your client with relevant support groups • Ask your clients what they’re learning (from group or from courses) and how it can help them as parents • Be sensitive to their needs and uncertainties • As workers, building a strong relationship that reinforces warmth, openness, patience, acceptance, will indirectly make them vmoreinteractive with their own children.

Dads are Shaped by Moms • Basic principle: • Moms are the “gatekeeper” • Andrea Doucet: “Mother-led Dance” • When mom is supportive of dad, he will be more engaged • This is the single most influential factor that predicts father involvement in the child’s care. • Mom influences how dad sees his own role. • Mom’s views on dad’s parenting are more influential than dads own views on parenting • Keep in mind: Mom’s criticism about dad is not about ‘territorialism’; It’s about her managing feelings of responsibility that the child’s needs are met.

So, what do we do now? • Female caseworkers: your confidence and praise in his parenting ability can do wonders for his confidence, and ultimate engagement. • Encourage men that it’s not just about engaging with their child; they are also improving their own development as men. • Female caseworkers can work with mom and encourage her to encourage the dad. Tell them its an attempt to give them a break. • Enhance the relationship between mom and dad: Teach mom the importance of avoiding conflict with dad. Teach her anger management tips. Remind moms it will help their child. • Moms can motivate dads to attend programs. • Encourage parents to avoid conflict. • If dad has a good relationship with mom, he will have a good relationship with child

Dad and Attachment • Attachment patterns between mom and child is different than between dad and child. • Mom will try to soothe crying child; dad will try to ‘fix’ • For dad, attachment is built through play, and this happens in peaks and bursts rather than consistently • Road to attachment is longer for dads; it takes time for them to develop confidence. • Dads feel their children help to shape them as parents.

So, what do we do now? • Encourage dads to hold their children. But, be mindful of dad’s own issues with touch. • Some men, particularly those with substance use issues, may have a history of being sexually victimized. Praise and reinforce dads when they hold their children. • Keep encouraging play, though many fathers do this very well. • Teach dads about child-cues (e.g., feeding, comforting, changing, etc.)

So, what do we do now? • Recognize that dads want to be more involved in their child’s life than they let on. We need to acknowledge this. • Need to advocate on behalf of the fathers. Some biases to be mindful of: • If agencies connect with dad, they have no services for them. • Caseloads are already high by just focusing on moms and children. • Mothers minimize role/input of dad (and sometimes conceal his identity) in order to receive monetary gain.

Men and Emotional Health • Helping men with life problems can enhance their parenting • 2007 Canadian study: rates of depression after divorce are higher for men than women. • Women will show depression and stress before the break-up; men will show it after the break-up. • As workers, you are likely working with depressed men. • Men show depression differently • Overcoming personal illnesses can then become better fathers. It’s their first step on the journey • Mention this to them as a reason for your goals.

Men and Barriers • For young dads, addressing the barriers must be combined with teaching parenting skills. E.g., finding work, housing, getting out of drug-life • When working with child welfare, be sure to work “with them” not “at them.” Recognize that some dads are risks, some are benefits, some are both.

Successful “Father-Friendly” Programs • Language in your policies and programming: does it have the words “dads” and “fathers”? • Adjust hours of operation to include times when dads are available • Assess number of male staff, volunteers, and board members. • Make it an organizational item • Adapt services to the realities of fathers

Suggestions (cont’d) • Work with fathers’ strengths, NOT a deficit model of fatherhood • If agencies only talk about what fathers are NOT doing, dads will continue to avoid you • Judge dads on their own terms, not by comparing them with mothers • Build partnerships with other community providers – share services and resources

Summary • Deal with dad’s contextual issues (employment, legal issues, substance use issues, housing, etc.), either simultaneously or before his role as “father” • Employment is the most important issue to address • Get mom to buy-in to the importance of dad’s role • If mom is supportive of dad, then dad will be supportive of child

Reflection and Small Group Activity • List at least 3 ways in which women in your life (moms, aunts, girlfriends) influenced the men in their lives (dad, granddad, uncle). How did they do this? • List at least 3 ways in which you can support and positively influence the men you work with in your role.

References • FIRA – www.fira.ca (Father Involvement Research Alliance) • Hoffman, John (2011) Father factors: What social science research tells us about fathers and how to work with them. www.fira.ca/documents/211/FatherFactors.pdf

W hat do we do now? Helping Dads Succeed