Difficult Conversations

1. Difficult Conversations 2009 Presented by Mary M. Rydesky Transition Management Consulting

2. “Disagreements, poorly handled, lead to poor decisions, strained relationships, & eventually to disastrous results.”– K Patterson, et al

4. What Makes Conversations Difficult DCs are difficult for diverse reasons & are affected by the social power positions of those engaged The “difficulty factor” rises when we • Assume that the other person thinks, or feels, what we think/feel • Make assumptions about motivation

5. What Drew You Here? Exercise #1 With a partner, describe a situation that required or involved you in a difficult conversation (“DC”) What would you have liked to have known then?

6. Your Experience • When have you experienced a DC? • Recall where (setting) • Recall issue • Recall your role • Recall emotions & thoughts

7. Difficult Subjects • ? • ?

8. Difficult Settings • ? • ?

9. Difficult Roles • Professional roles? • What roles? • Personal roles? • In what way?

10. Personalities • Traits? Habits? Responses? • What makes someone difficult?

11. “Difficult Personalities” Have you met… The Bulldog The Bully The Blamer The Martyr “Mr. Teflon” The Liar “Ms Fragile” The Easily Insulted The Instigator And Other Favorites...

12. Which One? Exercise #2 With a partner, describe a “DC” with a difficult personality What was the hook?

13. “The Vibes” • What makes bad chemistry? • What makes good chemistry?

14. Fears The outcomes? Reactions? Consequences? The conflict? Social/conversational discomfort? ?

15. Another Perspective Exercise #3 With a partner, describe a difficult conversation (“DC”) in which you were not the ‘heavy’ What would you have liked the ‘heavy’ to have altered in the handling of it?

16. Non Verbals: A Review • Posture & body language create a feeling of involvement on your part • Appropriate body movements & attention create a productive atmosphere • Appropriate eye contact creates openness • Calm, quiet, environment…full attention

17. The First Rule: See Solutions We usually make two mistakes... • We convince ourselves that there is only one perfect (usually unattainable) solution • We convince ourselves that there is no solution

18. The Second Rule: Acknowledge the Difficulties • If the conversation or subject is difficult, say so • It’s OK to say what aspect of the conversation is difficult for you

19. The Third Rule: We Are Only Half of Any Conversation • Ultimately, we can’t control how people feel or what they think • We can only do our best • This is both scary & liberating

20. Keep LightNo Stance Is Totally Intractable • Identify the subject - this is harder than it seems • Often we find that the difficulty is not what we “assumed” it was

21. Reframing Framing - the way a conflict is described or a proposal is worded Reframing - changing the way a thought is presented, maintaining its fundamental meaning but is more likely to support resolution efforts... "The art of reframing is to maintain the conflict in all its richness but to help people look at it in a more open-minded & hopeful way” -- Bernard Mayer, The Dynamics of Conflict Resolution

22. FocusPrepare an Outcome • DCs are not casual chats • Compartmentalize your emotions • Emotions are not thoughts! They reflect something important– but they don’t tell us what or what to do about it • That’s what thoughts are for

23. Impact

24. Preparing for Outcomes & Solutions • Worksheets by Triad • www.diffcon.com • Reflect & write

25. Evaluate What Happened? Feelings Identity Issues Multiple Stories Impact/Intent Contribution Difficult Conversations by D Stone, B Patton & S Heen

26. Step 1 Preparation • What happened? • All sides, all perspectives • What feelings • Unspoken feelings are treacherous • What affect on identity • What is at stake for me about me? • Treat your views as fallible, not as certain

27. Step 2 Purpose Check • What is to be accomplished? • All sides, all perspectives • Decide whether to have the conversation • Is it the best way to accomplish your purpose? • Chart costs & benefits vs. have & not have

28. Task & Relationship Value High task importance Low task importance Low relationship value High relationship value

29. Step 3 Compare • Describe the problem as the difference between your stories • Share your purposes • Invite joint exploration of the problem • Create a partnership environment or agreement – & hold to it

30. Step 4 Explore • Listen – understand • Ask questions • Acknowledge feelings • Secondly, share your view • Include thoughts on how & where various stories arose

31. Step 5 Problem Solving • Gather information • Ask questions • Invent options with value to each party • Separate inventing from selection options • Create ways to keep channels open • Use “By when?” for accountability

32. Separate People & Problems • Refer to a resource • ombudsman approach • Breath deeply • avoid tactics that engage • Emotional response? • walk, take a break

33. Confront or Avoid? • The “Broken Window Theory” tells us to address problems quickly... • Before incidents turn into patterns • Before small problems become large problems • Waiting is guaranteed to turn a molehill into a mountain

34. Types of DCs • Bad news message • Conflict – emotion or style based • Conflict – fact or ethics based

35. Bad News DCs • Prepare & practice • Talk in private • Come to the point quickly – no preamble • No surprises – keep staff informed • ‘nature abhors a vacuum’ & the recipe for gossip

36. It’s Usually Not “Fact or Fiction” • Often several interpretations to every story • Hidden Issues? You betcha! • Frequently what you are arguing about is never the actual problem

37. Keep Track of the Conversation Get started - calmly identify the subject Acknowledge your own difficulties in addressing the existing problem – speak for yourself, not for them Ask useful questions – don't assume you know someone else’s motivations or thoughts Silence is golden – allow them to speak Acknowledge, don’t challenge their feelings

38. How to Start • "I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think will help us work together more effectively.” • "I’d like to talk about ____________ with you, but first I’d like to get your point of view.“ • "I need your help with what just happened. Do you have a few minutes to talk?“ • "I think we have different perceptions about ____________. I’d like to hear your thinking on this.“ • "I’d like to talk about _______________. I think we may have different ideas on how to __________________.“ • "I’d like to see if we might reach a better understanding about ___________. I really want to hear your feelings about this & share my perspective as well."

39. Feelings Before Facts Feelings carry more weight than facts Address your feelings in the dialogue – be open & honest about yourself Ask them about their feelings & acknowledge them – no assumptions Recognize, acknowledge, & verbalize that feelings matter– but realize they don’t necessarily dictate actions or outcomes Give TIME for feelings to be verbalized

40. Virtual DCs Email? Blogs? Other media? Performance issues, HR conflicts are clearly not appropriate Use email for stating purpose, agenda, desired outcome, & time, date, place Frame all issues as a shared responsibility to understand & address Practice ‘ambulance writing’

41. Virtual DCs II Videoconferences? Offset time & distance Place cameras for tight view with good front lighting Telebehavioral health findings: the Remote Control effect Recording & ethics

42. Summary Prepare (use templates) Practice Just Do It Reflect on Outcomes

43. What Will You Try Exercise #5 On your notes, write the following: What one new idea or new perspective on an old idea occurred to you? What one idea will you agree to implement in the next 7 days?

44. Discussion, Questions, Observations...

45. For More Informationwww.transitionmanagement.usconsultation@transitionmanagement.usmrydesky@yahoo.com

46. Resources Crucial Confrontations (Patterson, 2004) Crucial Conversations (Patterson, 2002) Difficult Conversations (Stone, 2000) http://www.crucialconfrontations.com http://www/diffcon.com http://www.nationwide.com

47. Mary M Rydesky, MLS, MBA Mary M. Rydesky has experience in for-profit, not-for-profit, voluntary, academic, and healthcare sectors as well as small business entrepreneurship. She has operational, consulting, and clinical backgrounds, specializing in knowledge management systems, planning and operations, organizational development, and distance learning. Her perspective as an HR professional has proven beneficial to clients and employers whose goals include sustainability through quality improvement, customer satisfaction, internal communications, and procedural efficiency. As Human Resources Director for a telecommunications research firm, Ms. Rydesky directed three massive reductions in workforce – truly, a setting for difficult conversations! Her experience as a manager with expertise in organizational development and personal mentoring has yielded comparatively positive situations: but even in better times, talking about change can be challenging.  Ms. Rydesky operates Transition Management Consulting, established in 1975, with offices in Anchorage and Dallas. Transition Management has served clients whose businesses or careers are experiencing change. Visit www.transitionmanagement.us for additional information or to contact her there following today’s presentation entitled Human Resources: Difficult Conversations. Contact: mrydesky@yahoo.com