Personal Writing. Folio Workshop. Planning and Structuring. First of all, you should have a copy of my plan in front of you. It details the main purpose of each paragraph. Have a read through and see if I have met the purpose of each one. Now look at your essay.
Most of all, this intro is just pretty damn boring. Vocabulary is unimpressive and the tone is dull. If this sets the tone for the whole essay, its going to be awful.
Incredibly weak opening.
Sentence is far too long
Weak use of emotive language
Way too vague hasnt gone into any detail about this. How do they show this?
An intro like this would be more suited for an Int 1 essay, not Higher.
This draft is a bit better but still not perfect. This person would still aim to better it before handing in their final draft.
Jargon is explained clearly
Nice bit of descriptive writing
Links to previous ideas
Final sentence lets this down its pretty petty.
Main points of essay are clearly mapped out family work future.
An essay like this would probably pass but certainly wouldnt get an A
This comes across as simply a bit of a moan and telling a wee story about how annoying the writers brother is (which he is of course)
This statement is completely irrelevant to the rest of the paragraph.
Long way of saying that there have been consoles in family for a long time.
No real comment on how this made the writer feel.
The first real games I ever played were the Worms games on the original Playstation. My dad bought one and brought it home and it was put into the room my brother and I shared once we were allowed to get a TV for our room. Then we upgraded to a PS2 and thats when my little brother took over. Everybody assumed that he was the gamer in our house and that I wasnt. I was just there for when he wanted to play two-player games. After each of his birthdays, I would get his old console when he got a new one. I still play his old blue Gameboy Advance SP. He thinks he lost Pokemon Yellow Version at some point during 2002. He didnt I stole it when I was handed the SP and he got a brand new DS. Of course there were games that we played together but they often resulted in a screaming match when I wanted a shot and he kept arguing Just wait til I get to a save point. Things didnt change even when I started working in Game when I was eighteen. Instead, I was continually asked Can I use your staff discount?
This is actually quite funny but doesnt fit in with the tone of the rest of it.
The latter half of this paragraph is much better than the first. Its more amusing and does capture some of the writers frustrations.
Manages to achieve the same point as the last example but in a shorter space means there is no waffle or fluff
Much nicer use of vocabulary
Good use of an image that ties in with the topic.
Parenthesis used to imply the writers opinion
Another use of imagery not necessarily related this time but it still works
Consistent use of an exasperated tone this is someone who has put up with a fair bit but is over it now.
Put titles in inverted commas
A lengthy aside that could have been put in earlier
Incredibly emotionless for something that was so horrible
What does this even mean?
A very dry piece of narrative
Such a lazy ending
Much better use of vocabulary and expression language more controlled
Nice link from previous idea.
Parenthesis used to create humour
Use of hyperbole and some geek humour necromancers use death magic (mourning)
Technical detail is concise but brief
Nice touch that ties in with topic
Anecdote used to demonstrate love of topic but focuses more on an important relationship
I don't want him playing horrible bullshit. I want him mainlining proper games as quickly aspossible. And proper games are played with akeyboard and a mouse, or a weighty controller embellished with an intimidating array of buttons and sticks and triggers one that melts ergonomically into any experienced gamer's hands, but makes newcomers feel like they've just picked upa Rubik's Cube designed by Salvador Dal.
So I handed him a controller. I tried him on Super Mario World, but he didn't understand thatyou could move and jump at the same time, which limited the fun. My fun, not his. He was perfectly happy to press one button repeatedly tomake Mario leap up and down on the spot. But he wouldn't time the jumps properly. He kept getting killed by the same Goomba, endlessly waddling towards him. It was excruciating to watch. So I switched the Nintendo off and tried a different console. He screamed with enthusiasm, or possibly despair. Maybe even hunger. It was getting quite late.