Tips for Changes & Transitions

1. Tips for Changes & Transitions St. Pepetua School Parent Education April 22 & 23

2. Agenda Introduction Change Change for Children Expectations Creating a new habit/routine Modeling for our kids How to know when it’s not a good fit Resources Closing/Suggestions

3. Introduction

4. Introduction What I’ve been doing this year Change as a discipline My contact information: Caitlin MartindaleOffice is located by Mrs. Ganey’s near Café Perpetua925-284-1640 x117cmartindale@csdo.orgHours: Monday, Tuesday and Thursday from 9:30 – 1:30 or by appointment

5. Change

6. How we handle change: • We all have different responses to change, ranging from little to no feelings of disruption to feeling very disrupted • Typical emotional responses to change: • Resistance • Fear • Sadness • Withdrawal • Anger

7. Resistance • Symptoms: • Refusal to discuss next chapter/activity • Determined to view change as negative • Clinging to ways to get out of change • Rejecting positive aspects of change • Underlying Issue: • Not accepting change; fighting realities of change • Supportive behavior: • Allow some venting but do not reinforce negative behavior • Provide outlets and access to comfortable experiences

8. Fear • Symptoms: • Questioning • Obsessing • Worrying • Catastrophizing • Underlying issue: • Trying to understand where and how we fit in • Supportive behavior • Providing lots of information, details, clarify realities, goals, expectations

9. Sadness • Symptoms: • Sulking • Not being open to new friends • Rejecting new opportunities • Focusing on “It used to be…” • Underlying issue: • Hanging on to the old ways • Sense of the rug being pulled out • Supportive behavior • Lots of exploration and time to talk • Find ways to positively engage in new environment

10. Withdrawal • Symptoms: • Quitting • Won’t engage in new environment • Won’t discuss or ask questions • Isolates self • Underlying issue: • Waiting it out until normalcy returns • Supportive behavior • Gentle confrontation • Listen and be persistent

11. Anger • Symptoms: • Bad attitude • Sabotaging • Misery loves company (finding other miserable people) • Raised voice/walking out • Underlying issue: • Loss of important part of life • Supportive behavior • Permit venting to a point, do not reinforce negative behavior

12. Change for Kids

13. Helping Your Child Deal with Change • Do what you can to be available during times of transition and change. • For example, if your child needs more time to warm up to a new situation try to arrange your schedule to give a little more time at drop-off or at the start of the year. • Always remember to consult with the school, camp, organization to be sure you are following their recommendations for drop-off/dealing with the transition • Talk about the change. • Talk about what will happen and what the change will mean for all of you. How will the family’s schedule change? What will be effected? Explore what the change means to your child.

14. Helping Your Child Deal with Change • Acknowledge your child’s worries and fears. • Allow your child to feel angry, sad, and confused during times of change. • These feelings are normal and your child needs to be allowed to express them. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and respond sympathetically. You might say, “Yes, saying goodbye to a friend is really hard. That makes me feel sad, too.” • Arrange for children to stay in touch with beloved friends/teachers/camp counselors/coaches by encouraging them to write a letter, thank you note or if possible arrange to see a friend that they won’t see as often.

15. Helping Your Child Deal with Change • Involve your child in decisions about the change. • Children typically have no control over the major changes in their lives. By involving and including your child in such decisions, you help him feel more in control of the changes in his life. • Even if your child selected the change and wanted it (for example, picked out a camp), still be sensitive to their feelings of being out of control in a new setting. • Maintain family routines. • Knowing what to expect helps your child feel grounded and secure, especially during times of transition. • Maintain family routines around bedtime, TV, weekend rituals and family meals as much as possible.

16. Helping Your Child Deal with Change • Try to keep other changes in your child’s life to a minimum during times of transition. • For example, if you are going through a big change at home, this might not be the time to send your child to a new camp or new after-school program. • Expect that a child who had difficulty in the past with transitions may need extra support during times of change. • Make sure your child eats well, gets plenty of exercise, and gets enough sleep. • The healthier and better rested a child feels, the easier it is to withstand everyday stress and to handle change. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children get 9 to 11 hours of sleep each night.

17. Helping Your Child Deal with Camp • Time: make sure kids know the schedule; how long the camp day is, where it is, what is the duration of the session. • Create a calendar they can see that shows what they will be doing the weeks of summer - they’re used to this from school. • Organize activities with friends/sign up for camps with friends. This can lessen anxiety about a new experience and make it more fun (and help with logistics like rides). • Give opportunities for new skills to be utilized or demonstrated. For example if your child is going to a swim camp, take the family swimming on the weekend so your child can show off their new abilities. • Check in with the camp to know if they have suggestions of strategies to make the adjustment easier.

18. Suggestions from kids “Be nice to everyone.” "Talk to people and make them laugh.” "Ask to play with people.” "Help people in the classroom and in the playground.” "Be your own friend, care for yourself and stand up for yourself.” "When you have a nice friend always play with them.” "I feel really shy when I am meeting new friends. I say "hello" then they say "hello" back and then I keep talking so that they won't think I'm shy.” "It's easy if you just get to know one person. It's hard to go into a big group.” "If you feel lonely or you want to make some friends the worst thing to do is to keep to yourself or be shy because then people will probably not notice you.” "The best thing to do is to answer questions and make suggestions in class and be a happy person to have around, then people might want to be your friend.” "Smile at people and they will want to be your friend."

19. Expectations

20. Expectations • It is important to understand what we are expecting of our children during a change: • Do we think the transition should be easy and simple? • Do we expect them to have an easy/hard time adjusting to the new situation? • How do we feel as parents if they are successful/unsuccessful making the change or taking a long time to adjust? • What are we communicating to our kids about our expectations? • What does it mean to us, to our children if they are struggling?

21. Expectations • Often parents feel that a poor transition or child response is a reflection of their failings – so the behavior is reinforced by calling a lot of attention to it • Do we have a strategy how to respond to our child/ren feeling badly about the change? • Try to remember how you might have felt as a child when you didn’t like an activity and you were forced to do it - what did you need from your parents? More structure? Force? Leniency? • Consider what you know about your kids’ needs and what they respond best to

22. Expectations Consider journaling your own expectations and ideas about this change. Talk with a friend or relative about your expectations and hopes. Examine your own history with change and how this impacts your expectations for your kid/s. For example, camp was easy for me, why is my child having a hard time? Remember that everyone is different and most individual reactions to change are acceptable. Patience is very important.

23. Creating a New Habit or Routine

24. Creating a New Habit or Routine We are creatures of habit Constantly creating patterns and programs Unconsciously develop consistent schedules, for eating and sleeping Responding to stimulus in the same way over and over creates a habit Habits are those things we do without thinking or have little emotional impact because we expect them and now what will happen next It takes 21 days to create a new habit**Duration to create a new habit is debatable but constant repetition of the same activity over time creates a habit

25. Creating a New Habit or Routine Couple the new habit with a reward (special occasion at the end of the week, dinner, ice cream, movie or treat in packed lunch, special breakfast or activity before leaving) Remember why the habit is important – what are the long term benefits? Make it hard not to do – create barriers and obstacles that make it hard not to do it (for example organize carpools with others) Celebrate every success - but don’t give the impression that you didn’t expect success Observe the smallest improvements in behavior (no complaining = compliment) Do habit with another person

26. Modeling Positive Behavior

27. Modeling for our kids • Show your child the positive ways that you handle change. • Talk about how you feel during times of change and about what you do to cope. For example, let your child see the lists you make to help you stay organized and focused. Or that you exercise to relieve stress or feeling overwhelmed. • Have a positive attitude. • If you are confident about an upcoming change, your child will be positive, too.

28. Modeling for our kids • Be aware of how you approach and deal with changes. • Our kids are watching us and learn from our example. • Consider how you express your own anxieties around a change at work, a new baby, move or other life transition. • Model good coping strategies: • Positive ways to deal with stress and uncertainties: • Let your kids see that you can not control everything and you have to ride the roller coaster just like everyone else. Show them how to handle uncertainty in a positive way.

29. Behaviors we want to model: • Taking good care of ourselves: • Eating well • Getting enough sleep • Exercising • Laughing • Seeking support from friends and relatives • Relaxing • Praying • Finding ways to express ourselves • It’s OK to ask for help • Journaling • Talking with friends, relatives, religious support, counselor when necessary

30. How to know when it’s not the right fit

31. How to tell when the fit isn’t right There will be times when the camp/activity/school you have selected is not a good fit for your child. Be sure you have given ample time to understand if the trouble is the adjustment period or if the camp/activity/school is not a good fit. Listen to your instincts - trust what you feel when you objectively evaluate the situation. Consider longer term effects; for example: you want your child to have a positive impression of swimming. Consider if the class/teacher is frightening them. Will they be reluctant to get in the water because of it? Is it something they need to overcome or is the teacher/class causing more harm than good? This is a judgment call you have to make.

32. How much time do you need? If your child is in a situation they don’t like, they feel like it is their job to get out of it. They will likely complain, beg, plead, campaign and justify why they shouldn’t be there. Your job is to decipher if their complaints are warranted and valid - this can take time. With a five day camp, it will probably take all five days to properly evaluate the experience. Kids will have the initial resistance to the new experience but will know it is a small hill to overcome and should be able to adjust.

33. How much time do you need? With a longer activity, you’ll need more time for adjustment and assessment. A good rule of thumb is they must at least get to the half-way point in the session/year. Also consider how it effects your child’s sense of accomplishment to leave an activity before it is over. It can be beneficial to finish out/complete an activity or year so they can see that they finished something even when it wasn’t ideal. There will be a sense of completion (and usually as the session winds down there is a change in attitude among all the participants).

34. Remember… Not every teacher/coach/leader will be your favorite or your child’s. Not every activity or camp will be perfect or even enjoyed. Children learn from both positive and negative experiences and perseverance is important. Giving your child the opportunity to make it to the other side of an experience they don’t like is valuable - it shows them they have strength and endurance. Kids are resilient. They can bounce back from most anything. Evaluate what is best for you and your child.

35. Resources

36. Resources: http://www.k12.wa.us/OperationMilitaryKids/pubdocs/KidsAndChange.pdf http://resources.css.edu/DiversityServices/docs/NormalEmotionalReactionstoChangeandTransition.pdf Transitions: Making Sense of Life's Changes, Revised 25th Anniversary Edition by William Bridges Families & Change: Coping With Stressful Events and Transitions by Sharon J. Price, Christine A. Price, and Patrick C. McKenry Self-Esteem Revolutions in Children: Understanding and Managing the Critical Transitions in Your Child's Life by Thomas W. Phelan

37. Closing & Suggestions

38. Things to remember: Change is hard for most people It is normal to feel anxious and worried around change Model behavior you want your kids to have Don’t reinforce behavior you don’t want them to have Go easy on yourself; not every activity, camp, school, grade is going to be perfect and that is OK Dealing with challenges is character building

39. Suggestions • Please fill out the form to indicate what topics you think would be valuable for future Parent Education presentations. • Topics we’ve covered this year are: • Wellness • Bullying • Cyber Safety • Bullying II – Victim Proofing • Transitions