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Helen Shin Master Trainer ACS Workforce Institute 110 William Street New York NY

Positive Communication Skills for Foster Parents Materials adapted from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. Helen Shin Master Trainer ACS Workforce Institute 110 William Street New York NY Helen.Shin@acs.nyc.gov.

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Helen Shin Master Trainer ACS Workforce Institute 110 William Street New York NY

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  1. Positive Communication Skills for Foster Parents Materials adapted from How to Talk so Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk By Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish Helen Shin Master Trainer ACS Workforce Institute 110 William Street New York NY Helen.Shin@acs.nyc.gov

  2. Helping Children Deal with Their Feelings Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected. • You can listen quietly and attentively. • You can acknowledge their feelings with a word: “oh…mmm…I see…” • You can give the feeling a name: “That sounds frustrating!” • You can give the child his wishes in fantasy:“I wish you could be with your mom and dad too”

  3. Instead of Explanation and Logic… Child: Where’s the Cheerios? Parent: We don’t have any dear. Child : I want my Cheerios! Parent: I just told you we ran out. I made you toast Child: No!! I want Cheerios! Parent: Stop acting like a baby and have your toast! Give Your Child His Wishes in Fantasy Child: Where’s the Cheerios? Parent: I wish I had some for you but we ran out. Child: I want my Cheerios! Parent: I hear how much you want your Cheerio. It’s your favorite. Child: I wish I had it now. Parent: I wish I had the magic power to make a big box of Cheerios appear!

  4. How to Gain Cooperation Without Exerting Yourself • Describe what you see Instead of: “You haven’t taken that dog out all day. You don’t deserve to have a pet.” Describe: “I see Rover pacing up and down near the door.” • Give Information Instead of: “Who drank the milk and left the bottle out?” Give information: “Kids, the milk turns sour when it isn’t refrigerated.” • Say it with a word Instead of: “I’ve been asking and asking you kids to get into pajamas and all you’ve been doing is clowning around. You said you’d be in pajamas before watching tv and I don’t see anyone in their pajamas!” Say it with a word: “Kids, PAJAMAS!” • Talk about your feelings Instead of: “You are rude! You always interrupt me.” Talk about your feelings: “I feel so frustrated when I start to say something and can’t finish.” 5. Write a note Help! Hairs in my drain Give me a pain!

  5. To Encourage Autonomy • Let children make choices. “Are you in the mood for your gray pants or your red pants?” • Show respect for a child’s struggle. “A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you tap the lid with a spoon.” • Don’t ask too many questions. “Hi! I’m glad to see you. Welcome home. ” 4. Don’t rush to answer questions. “That’s an interesting question. What do you think? .” 5. Encourage children to use sources outside the home. “Hmm…I wonder if the pet shop owner has any suggestions.” 6. Don’t take away hope. “ So you are going to try out for the lead. That should be an experience.”

  6. Describe what you see. (I see a clean floor, a smooth bed, and books neatly lined up on the shelf.) • Describe what you feel. (It’s a pleasure to walk into this room) How to Praise Effectively Instead of … “You cleaned your room. What a good girl you are.” Try describing what you see or feel : “I see a lot of work has been going on here. All the blocks are back on the shelf. Every toy has been picked up. It’s a pleasure to walk into this room.” Instead … “This scarf you made me beautiful! Very, very nice.” Try describing what you see or feel : “Look at this rich red color and all these rows of even stitches! And it’s wide too. This scarf will really keep me warm on a cold day.”

  7. “SUMMING UP IN A WORD” Addto the description one or two words that sum up the child’s praiseworthy behavior. “You’ve been working to memorize that vocabulary list for over an hour. Now that’s what I call perseverance!” “You said you’d be home at 5 o’clock and it’s exactly five. That’s what I call punctuality.” “You noticed that the plants were dry and you watered them. That’s what’s known as taking initiative.”

  8. Some Cautions About Praise • Make sure your praise is appropriate to your child’s age and level of ability. • Avoid the kind of praise that hints at past weaknesses or past failures. (example: “I’m glad you finally got around to cleaning your room”) - Be aware that excessive enthusiasm can interfere with a child’s desire to accomplish for herself. • Try not to minimize his distress (“there’s nothing to worry about.”) • It helps if parents can model being accepting of their own mistakes. - When the child succeeds, try not to say “I knew you could do it all along”. It’s more helpful to describe the child’s accomplishment.

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