“The Business of Love!” Workshop 718

1. “The Business of Love!” Workshop 718 John Curtis, Ph.D.

2. “A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship” —John D. Rockefeller

3. 9 Best Practices for Improving the Bottom Line of Your Relationship! #1 - Creating the Vision for Your Relationship #2 - Developing Your Relationship’s Objectives #3 - Funding the Partnership #4 - Branding & Marketing Your Relationship #5 - Mergers & Acquisitions #6 - Job Descriptions for Couples #7 - Relationship Feedback for Partners #8 - Compensation & Benefits #9 - Meetings & Retreats

4. A “Brief” History of Marriage Models! Arranged Marriage of Means: Made economic or political sense, decision based on a family’s, tribe’s or country’s need to survive. Love, romance & personal affection had little to do with this bonding.

5. A “Brief” History of Marriage Models! Fantasy Marriage: Relationship is based on romantic “love” alone, it’s often opposed by parents. Based on the illusion that “all you need is love!” This model of marriage is (unfortunately) very much alive today.

6. A “Brief” History of Marriage Models! Traditional Marriage: Often a combination of a marriage of means with fantasy-style love. The most common model for Seniors & early Baby Boomers. Based on time-honored, stereo-typical attitudes about men & women & their roles in society.

7. “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change.” —Charles Darwin

8. Vision Objectives Funding Strategic Branding Mergers & Acquisitions Her marital job description His marital job description Validate or Realign Her marital performance His marital performance Tactical Her compensation & benefits His compensation & benefits Meetings & Retreats The Business of Love Model

9. “The best way to plan for the future is to create it.” —Peter Drucker

10. We will be close to God, who will bless us with lives full of deep meaning. We will continue to explore our world & include our family whenever possible. We will be free of material burdens while living a rich & full life.” #1 - Creating the Vision for Your Relationship “Our vision for our relationship is one where we will have complete trust & honesty, free of fears or anxieties & full of acceptance & support. We each will be devoted to helping one another reach our full potential through the ever-increasing exploration of who we are as partners & parents, & by expressing our individuality.

11. #2 - Developing Your Relationship’s Objectives • Examples of Relationship Dimensions: • Family • Fiscal • Health & Wellness • Intimacy • Spirituality • Leisure • Career • Life-Long Learning

13. #3 - Funding the Partnership

14. #4 - Branding & Marketing Your Relationship “You can’t blow an uncertain trumpet.” —Fr. Theodore Hesburgh

17. #5 - Mergers & Acquisitions “Growth is the only evidence of life.” —Cardinal John Henry Newman

18. Blending family cultures Culture, n.: “The beliefs, customs, practices & behavior of the individuals whose shared experiences identify the particular relationship of which they are a part; a particular set of attitudes & behaviors that characterizes the relationship!”

19. Key Considerations: What material possessions do you own that you are not willing to give up when we combine our household furnishings? How would you respond to a sibling or relative who needed to borrow money? What holidays are most important to you? How do you like to celebrate them? How much, if any, contact will you likely have with your ex-spouse? How should we deal with disciplining our children from a previous marriage? How do you feel about having friends of the opposite sex?

20. #6 - Job Descriptions for Couples Sample Part-time working mom & wife SUMMARY My overall responsibility is being the primary caretaker of our children, being a good partner to my husband & handling many of the household tasks. Working to bring in revenue that covers private pre-school costs & ancillary activities for kids while achieving intellectual & career stimulation. Sample Full-time working dad & husband SUMMARY 1. My overall responsibility is to work to bring in most of the income, to cover expenses & investment/retirement plans & achieve intellectual & career stimulation. 2. Being present every day as a good father to our children & a good, helpful partner to my wife.

22. #7 - Relationship Feedback for Partners Objectives: Learn how to give & receive positive reinforcement. Practice how to redirect behavior in a productive manner. Set up a feedback process for you & your partner.

24. Relationship Feedback-Part 2 Examples of additional comments: Exceeding expectations: “You are the best parent I have ever seen. You are more patient, accepting & loving than I could ever be!” Meets expectations: “Thanks for finding time to cook in the middle of everything else you are juggling!” Does not meet expectations: “We are often out of milk & dog food which makes it difficult on me when trying to make breakfast for the kids & I feel guilty when I only have table scraps to feed the dog!”

25. #8 - Compensation & Benefits Objectives: Discover what motivates us to be in the relationship so that we can ensure our motivation will continue. Measure the monetary value you bring to your relationship & quality of life. Create a “benefits package” for your relationship. Sign a contract that spells out all the important things you want & need from your relationship.

27. Benefits Statement: “As a result of marrying you, I will have a good father for my kids, a wonderful life of travel & adventure, no worries about money, & fun-filled days & nights.” Another example: “The reason I am accepting this ‘job’ offer to be your partner in marriage is to feel love & support everyday as we live together, with romance, fulfilling sexual relations, & companionship as a part of our daily existence.” It takes the vision of the relationship to a more individual, “what’s in it for me” kind of level, which of course is why you are there in the first place—it is your motivation for being in the relationship.

28. “Those who can’t be bothered to negotiate its details demean the grand institution of matrimony” - Nobel Laureate George J. Stigler

29. RELATIONSHIP CONTRACT • General statement about why we are getting married to each other with our general values & philosophy of marriage: • We need & want a healthy relationship & believe that we will be able to resolve difficulties as long as we have the motivation to do so. Motivation is essential for sustaining a marriage. • We love & value each other. We each have knowledge of failed marriages. A sound, lasting marriage is still very appealing to each of us in spite of this. We feel that we & our children would benefit from the nurturing that we need & that this marriage would provide. • 2. A description of specific behavior we plan & expect from each other in each of the following areas: • Money • Sex • Careers • Children • In-laws • Residences • • Friends • Recreation • Religion • Problem-Solving • Partner 1 ____________________________ Date: _________________ • Partner 2 ____________________________ Date: _________________

30. #9 - Meetings & Retreats Chapter Objectives: Introduce how to hold regular meetings to conduct the business of your relationship. Understand the guidelines to running effective relationship meetings on a regular basis. Plan an annual retreat to fully reevaluate & refuel your relationship.

32. Q & A