Talking to Children about Difficult Information

1. Talking to Children about Difficult Information

2. Why Do Children Need the Truth? • Magical Thinking • Unrealistic Fantasies • Divided Loyalties • Identity Confusion • Fears/Unanswered Questions about Genetics, Medical, Mental Health History • Feeling Disconnected • Fears of Future Abandonment • Lack of Trust in Authority Figures

3. Preparing Yourself • Realizing that discussing the adoptee’s past is likely to generate grief for both child and parents, the desire to avoid this grief is often a reason that the child’s history remains unspoken. • Families may hold on to the mistaken belief that children are resilient and will simply recover from their trauma. • Parents are frequently encouraged by various types of professionals to wait—wait until the child can handle it, wait until the child is old enough or wait for the “right time.”

4. Preparing Yourself • How were losses handled in your family of origin? • What is your experience of grief and loss? • How do you respond to a loss? • How do you include your children in the grieving process? • How do you help your children grieve?

5. Preparing Yourself • What are your views on telling children the truth about their past? • Can you picture yourself discussing abuse, neglect and abandonment? • What potential losses may such discussions trigger for you? • What will be the impact of such discussions on your typically-developing children?

6. Tips for Talking to Children • When in doubt, start at the beginning • Tell the truth — if you don’t know, simply say, “I don’t know.” “Fantasy flourishes where facts flounder” • The child most likely knows more than you think he or she knows • Be willing to initiate the conversation

7. Tips for Talking to Children • Sharing a story with a young child will be different than sharing the story with an older child • Value Free • Tell and read the child’s “story” over and over – repetition is the key • Learn and use positive adoption language

8. What do I Say?“The Tough Stuff” • Sexual Abuse • Physical Abuse/Domestic Violence • Neglect • Drug and Alcohol Use • Abandonment • Multiple Out-Of-Home Placements

9. Anticipate Questions • “Why did my birthparents use drugs?” • “Do you think my birthmom thinks about me?” • “What do you think my birthmom is doing now?” • “Do you think she is in jail?” • “Does she have any more children?” • “If they get better, can I go live with them again?” • “Are my birthparents sorry for what they did?” • “Why did I move so much in foster care?” • “Why didn’t anyone in my country want me?” • “Why didn’t the orphanage ladies take me home?”

10. Anticipate Questions • “Do you think my orphanage friends got adopted?” • “Are my birthparents alive?” • “Are my siblings safe?” • “Do you think my siblings think about me?” • “How did you find me?” • “Why did you pick me?” • “What would you have done if I had been your baby?”

11. Books by the Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio

12. Arleta James, PCC Attachment and Bonding Center of Ohio 12608 State Road Suite 1 Cleveland, OH 44133 440-230-1960, ext. 4 Arletaj@aol.com Visit my website at www.arletajames.com