Habit – 5 Seek first to understand, then to be understood

1. Habit – 5 Seek first to understand, then to be understood Principles of Empathic Communication

2. Habit 5 – Seek first to understand, then to be understood

3. Lack of communication • Optometrist and your eyes! • You as a student don’t like school not opening up!

4. Character and Communication • Communicationis the most important skill in life • If you want to interact effectively with me, to influence me, you first need to understand me. • You have to build the skills of empathic listening on a base of character that inspires openness and trust • You have to build EMB accounts

5. Different styles of listening • Most people listen with the intent to reply. • When another person speaks, we are usually 'listening' at one of four levels: • ignoring • pretending • selective listening • attentive listening

6. Exercise • From the different styles of listening; ignoring, pretending, selective and attentive listening role these in a scenario setting in your groups

7. Empathic Listening • Very few of us ever practice the highest form of listening -- empathic listening. • Listen with your heart • Put yourself in other peoples shoes and seek to understand • Empathic listening is risky as you can make yourself vulnerable by opening up too much • Only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say, another 30 percent by our sounds, and 60 percent by body language.

8. Example • Real estate deal in Chicago maybe lost after a 6 month deal. • “Let me see if I really understand what your position is and what your concerns about my recommendations really are. When you feel you understand them, then we’ll see whether my proposal has any relevance or not.”

9. Empathic listening Exercise • Role play an empathic listening scenario in your groups.

10. Diagnose Before You Prescribe • Diagnose before you prescribe is a correct principle in many areas of life. • Jenny the newborn and doctor at a football game • It is the mark of all true professionals • The amateur salesman sells products, the professional salesman sells solutions to needs and problems

11. Four Autobiographical Responses • Because we listen autobiographically (from the perspective of our own paradigms), we tend to respond in one of four ways: p.(246) • We evaluate • We probe • We advise • We interpret • The language of logic is different from the language of sentiment and emotion. • As long as responses are logical, we are at liberty to ask questions and give counsel. • The moment responses become emotional, empathic listening is necessary.

12. Four Autobiographical Responses • Empathic listening involves four developmental stages: The phrase for an example is “Boy, Dad, I’ve had it! School is for the birds!” mimic content “You’ve had it. You think school is for the birds.” rephrase the content “You don’t want to go to school anymore.” reflect feeling “You're feeling really frustrated” rephrase the content and reflect the feeling “You’re really frustrated about school.” • Empathic listening enables us to turn transactional opportunities into transformational opportunities. (This can only happen if the person trusts to be open with you) • The key to empathic listening is to genuinely seek the welfare of the individual to whom you are listening.

13. Understanding and Perception • As you learn to listen deeply to other people, you will discover tremendous differences in perception. • Habit 5 is the first step in the process of Win/Win. • I.e. Change your paradigm “Seek first to understand” • The small company and large bank negotiations!!

14. Then Seek to Be Understood • Knowing how to be understood is the other half of Habit 5 and is crucial in reaching Win/Win solutions. • The essence of making effective presentations: • Ethos -- your personal credibility. • Pathos -- the empathic side. • Logos -- the logic. • Professor, funding and presentation – understanding of objectives! • When you can present your own ideas clearly, specifically, visually and in the context of the paradigms of your audience, you significantly increase the credibility of your ideas.

15. One on One • Habit 5 is right in the middle of your circle of influence. You can always seek first to understand. • Look at your circle of concern and be empathetic – “You seem down today” • Spend time with your spouse and children, one on one.