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ODYSSEUS: DEAD OR ALIVE? FIND OUT NOW!. By: Michael, Ammar, Chris, Bennett. Odysseus Seen Alive!.
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ODYSSEUS: DEAD OR ALIVE? FIND OUT NOW! By: Michael, Ammar, Chris, Bennett
Odysseus Seen Alive! Remember the powerful, charismatic Greek warrior Odysseus? The man whose enemies trembled before his rippling muscles and razor-sharp mind? You probably don’t, because he’s been missing ever since the end of the Trojan War, and presumed dead by most people. In fact, he’s even been sighted in the underworld! But wait, our sources say he wasn’t dead! One of our reporters heard the mother of Odysseus, Anticlea, saying to Odysseus, “[Odysseus], how did you come down to the [Underworld], and you alive?” What exactly was he doing in the underworld, though? According to our sources, Odysseus was visiting the island of Circe before our paparazzi sighted him in the underworld. What was he actually doing there? Could he really be dead? If Odysseus was really dead, then could he still be on his boat? Could he still be eating a snack with Circe? After talking to his companions, Perimedes and Eurylochos, we asked them exactly what is going on. The two men told us that they needed to go into the underworld to ask questions of the late Teiresias. If Odysseus was dead, then why would he need to speak to someone who is already dead? In addition, if he really was dead, then why would he have to perform a ritual to summon the dead? Couldn’t he just walk up and say hi? We were so encapsulated by this incredible story that we sent some researchers into the field to find out more about this exciting situation. Our researchers, from prestigious schools such as Harvard, Princeton, and Yale, have top-notch educations, and they know the right questions to ask. The researchers went straight to the people they knew would’ve been talking to Odysseus: Agamemnon, Achilles, and Ajax, Odysseus’ companions in the Trojan War.
Odysseus Seen Alive! Before the researchers could talk to the spirits of these powerful men, they first needed to perform the same ritual that Odysseus had performed. They dug a pit one cubit wide, then poured a mixture of honey and milk, then poured fine wine, then poured water and sprinkled it with barley meal, then spilled blood on the mixture, just as Odysseus had. Once they had done so, the souls began to come up from Hades, and once they drank the blood, our researchers could interview some of them to inquire as to whether or not they had seen Odysseus. Our researchers had a talk with Achilles. Achilles told them that Odysseus was praising how honorable his death was. Achilles then told Odysseus, “Don’t bepraise death to me, Odysseus. I would much rather be a poor farmer.” Odysseus apparently talked to Ajax as well, who was still infuriated with him. Ajaxe tells that Odysseus tried to make ends meet and settle their dispute about who got Achilles armor. When asked to comment on Odysseus’s venture into the underworld, Ajax told our reporters, “He was probably trying to ruin someone else’s life. That guy is a dinkus and I hate him.” When our researchers finally met the King Agamemnon, they asked him what he thinks of Odysseus and his son, Telemachos. He stated “His father [Odysseus] will see him when he comes, sure enough, and he [Telemachos] will give his father a kiss as a good boy should.” Sounds like a real treat! With all the information we’ve gathered, our Columbia-educated social scientists have determined that there is approximately a 78.26% chance that Odysseus is alive. So what do you think? Is he alive? Or is it all just an elaborate hoax? Find out next week, when we continue our story on Odysseus!
Odysseus Sightings We sent our photographers into the field with a camera and a mission: find Odysseus! Knowing that he is a tall, handsome, well-built man with broad shoulders, a massive chest, and burly arms, the photographers took pictures of men who seemed to fit the description in areas where Odysseus had been sighted. Any of these men could be the real Odysseus!
What do you think? Which one is the real Odysseus? Visit our poll at www.odysseus4ever.com and tell us what you think! Don’t forget to like, share, subscribe, comment, and buy cool ‘Odysseus 4ever’ merchandise!
