Andrew Jackson. By Laura Dezoma. How Would You Portray the Way His Childhood Affected Him?. Dumb Blonde. Once upon a time in a land far, far away a teacher told her class to read in their history books about a really interesting guy named Andrew Jackson.
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By Laura Dezoma
Once upon a time in a land far, far away a teacher told her class to read in their history books about a really interesting guy named Andrew Jackson.
AJ (From Book): it’s ok, teach. I got this!
Do I really have to read this?? Because I really don’t want to… (said like Reilly when she impersonates that dumb blonde twirling her hair.)
Andrew Jackson said “I was born in 1767, and when I was little my daddy died in a logging accident. My mommy and brothers, Robert and Hugh, moved to the farm where my Uncle Crawford lived on the border of North and South Carolina.”
The dumb blonde replied, “What about Middle Carolina?”
AJ thought to himself, ‘I wonder if I’m getting punked.’ and told the Dumb Girl “umm that wasn’t invented yet.” Then he continued, “When I was 11, I started going to school at Waxhaw Presbyterian Church and I studied reading, writing, grammar, and geometry.”
The Blonde’s jaw dropped and she said “No history class! Lucky, My history teacher makes me like, read and think and stuff!”
AJ: We didn't learn history because I hadn't made any yet...
Then thought to himself, ‘3! Sir 3!’
1.... 2..... 5!
How does that make you feel?
AJ continued, “I was a big rebel. I got in a lot of fist fights. I had anger management issues and I was awfully stubborn.”
The blonde said with enthusiasm.
“My therapist says I’m stubborn too!”
AJ was puzzled, “really?” he asked.
“Yeah, do I really have to read this?” The blonde said, clueless of how ridiculously ironic she sounded.
Then the teacher rolled over in her grave
AJ really wanted the Blonde to learn, so he continued.
“Ok, so when I was 13, I joined the Revolutionary War
with my brothers Hugh and Robert. When we were
fighting in battle, Hugh died.
The blonde felt like she had been struck with a bold
of lightning when she heard the sad news.Did you die?
Or worse! Did you cry? OMG I hope you were wearing
AJ assured her, “Don’t worry, I was,” then told some more of his interesting story. “So then a British general captured Robert and I and yelled at us. he was all‘wannaclean my boots? Cuz I really don’t want to’. And I said ‘no! Clean your stinky, filthy boots yourself!’”
The blonde giggled and replied “Did he know he needed to use soap? Mommy told me that a few days ago, it really helps!”
AJ was disgusted, though somehow not surprised. “Umm, maybe not. But he had worse anger management issues. He got out his sword and tried to cut my hand off.” he said.
The blonde’s eyes got huge in excitement, “Was he peter pan? Did you turn into Captain Hook?”
That makes me feel like Ken is a hottie!
In his head, AJ rolled his eyes. “Umm, no. But I do have scars.”
Blonde: My therapist says I give him emotional scars.
AJ laughed because he knew she was telling the truth. “I have emotional scars too. That British General made Robert and I walk miles to Camden-” then the blonde cut him off.
Faster Ladies! Feel the burn!
Running is for bratz dolls! They’re so fat!
She said “My gym teacher makes we walk on the track, I asked him if we would get to Narnia if I went around it and he said the only place I would go is away from him.”
AJwas growing tired of the blonde’s comments.
“Ok well, when we got to Camden we got small pox; then my mommy came back to save us. But Robert died of smallpox and soon mommy died too.”
Blonde: wow, everyone you knew died!
You must have ordered a lifetime supply of
waterproof mascara so you’d be ready next
time some meaniesmassacuredeveryone
Well watered flower
AJ: Actually, my grandfather
gave me 300 pounds-
Blonde: Whoa! Did you win
the biggest looser after that?
“No, 300 pounds like a ton of
money.” AJ replied.
The Blonde said “You’re so dumb! Pounds are weight!”
AJ thought, ‘I don’t want to fight, I’ve done plenty of that. I killed Charles Dickenson when he trash talked my wife!,’ then he continued “Ok thanks, so anyway, I was 14 and I used all that money to bet on who would in fights and horse races.”
Blonde: were you sad about all that depressing death and stuff:
The blonde began to think about how all
the death would affect AJ, and she asked him
“Were you sad about all that depressing
death and stuff?”
AJ answered “I was so angry at the world.”
She asked, “were you goth?”
AJ laughed at the idea and said
“No, that wasn’t really in.”
The blonde said bluntly,
“Oh, neither is your hairdo.”
AJ got another emotional scar from the Blonde’s deeply cutting remark. He pretended not to be crying on the inside as he said “Ok well, my anger came to good use the next time I went to war. This time it was the war of 1812-” and the blonde rudely cut him off.
“When was that?” she asked
AJ thought she was kidding, ‘who doesn’t know when the war of 1812 was?’ he thought, then he replied, “1812 to 1815”
The blonde raised her eyebrows and said “Umm, I’m pretty sure that’s wrong. That was the war with that control freak moustache guy, right?”
AJ was shocked at the way she doubted him,
‘I would know, I was there!’ he thought. “No,
Hitler was totally different. the British kept messing
with us, like taking people from our ships and
attacking them.” he said bitterly.
The Blonde twirled her hair and muttered “and I thought I was stupid.”
AJ was getting sick of her attitude, “I thought so too.” he said immitating her by twirling his hair and blowing bubbles in his gum. “Its time to learn, so listen up. I was the general of the Tennessee militia. My soldiers were like a circus, just a bunch of random misfits. But they were aggressive misfits… like freed slaves, Kentucky riflemen, and pirates.”
“Was on of them captain hook?” the Blonde asked anxiously as she jumped around.
AJ took a deep breath, then calmly asked, “What is your obsession with Peter Pan?”
She said “I met Tinker bell and she taught me how to fly.”
AJ thought of how much the blonde was like Britney
from glee, she believed her own nonsense.
Still amused, AJ said “Ok well back to my life story.
I was on the way to New Orleans and my troops
were singing “We fired our guns an' the British kept
a 'comin'. There wasn't nigh as many as there was
awhile ago. We fired once more an' they begin to
runnin' Down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico.”
And we destroyed the Brits.
The blonde was hurt, “but Britney spears is my BFF! You’re sooooo mean!” she shouted.
AJ said “They call me ‘Old Hickory’ because I’m so tough. But listen to my story! We were low on supplies and food but we still easily beat the British. They had nearly 2,000 casualties and America barely had 100 casualties.”
The blonde said “I thought you were Andrew Jackson, not
Superman! Or wait, are you Kent Clark too? I’m so confused!”
then she returned to picking at her nail polish.
AJ said “No, I don’t really have super war-winning powers. I was sort of a hero, did you know that I hadn't known at the time of the battle, since news traveled slowly, but the treaty ending the war had been signed nearly 2 weeks before we fought. So all my hard work was for nothing, we didn't gain land from the battle. There’s a lot more that happened in my life, I was a good lawyer because I liked to argue when I couldn’t throw punches. There was also romance in my life-”
“You’re not superman! You’re an action movie!
Action and a girl!” the blonde winked at him.
AJ blushed and said “I went to Tennessee and
stayed in Nashville with a widow named Mrs. John
Donelson. I had a crush on her daughter, Rachel.”
“Was she pretty?” the blonde asked
“Very pretty, like Cinderella or Snow White. We
got married on a pretty summer day in 1791,
but something was wrong with the legal divorce
between Rachel and her first husband so we had
to remarry in 1794.”
“Aww! That’s so cute! I changed my mind .You’re
not a crazy anger management guy, you’re a hopeless
romantic!” the blonde complimented him.
AJ wasn’t sure if he should be offended or not, so he continued. “We never had any kids, we adopted our nephews when Rachel's brother Samuel died.”
“oh! I got you a present, its waterproof mascara. I knew someone would die again.” The blonde comforted him.
AJ said “thanks, but no thanks. So I supported my family by being a Justice in the supreme court of Tennessee from 1788 to 1804 because I had personal problems I had to fix. I had lots of money to pay to people, and I didn't pay them for a long time so they really wanted their money. I knew poverty would come back from my childhood to haunt me,”
“Like a clingy ghost? Poverty is like Ken! They’re so obsessive.”
AJ made a mental note to tell Ken to man up, then said “I had to sell my house on Hunter Hill to pay everyone. Then, I needed a job-”
“Did you live in a cardboard box?” the blonde asked
“No, I couldn’t afford one.”
The blonde started crying and wailed, “Your story is sooooooooo sad! Talk about Rachel some more”
“Well, she died.” AJ said sorrowfully.
The blonde cried even more and
said never mind, don’t talk about
AJ said “I have a good story, My friend Josh Hutchings and I built a general store in a town called Clover Bottom.”
The blonde looked up for a minute and asked,
“Were there 4 leaf clovers?”
AJ replied “I think so, that town had good luck. Eventually we built a horse stable by the store and made lots of money, since I bet on the races.”
Then the bell rang and the Blonde ran out of the classroom as fast as she could to go talk to ken.
You affect me more
Your making farmers crops cost mo-o-ore
If you don’t veto
because we’re fed u-u-up
All the other states are happy
All the other states but south Carolina
I’ll write the south Carolina Exposition
and nullify your tariffs
to paying lots of money on imports on foreign manufactured goods
and you don’t’ know oh oh!
Because I wrote it in secret
If only you didn’t pass tariffs
In 1828 and 1832
id be beautiful oh!
That would make me beautiful!
Don’t bring the navy into this!
Charleston will be fine without them
Just call Clay Henry
He’s a nice guy
He can help us comp-ro-mise
No one else has a solution
That benefits both sides!
we’ll reduce the tariffs by 20% and make it fair
So we can all get along and be beautiful
They’ll say whoa! Oh oh! They’re so beautiful oh oh!
Clay’s tariff made us beautiful!