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Revising Sentences for Connection. Steve Whitmore February 2006. Revising Sentences for Connection. At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and correct stylistic problems involving the following: Repetitive Structures Parallel Sentence Structure Vague “This” Subjects

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Revising sentences for connection

Revising Sentences for Connection

Steve Whitmore

February 2006

Revising for Connection


Revising sentences for connection1

Revising Sentences for Connection

At the end of this module, you will be able to identify and correct stylistic problems involving the following:

  • Repetitive Structures

  • Parallel Sentence Structure

  • Vague “This” Subjects

  • Transitional Tags

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Pattern for unnecessary repetition

Pattern for Unnecessary Repetition

S/V/Word#1

Word#1 . . . Word#2

Word#2 . . . Word#3

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Unnecessary repetition

Unnecessary Repetition

The length of the transistor that can function as a long channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be reduced by lowering the implant energy. However, lowering the implant energy increases the channeling probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for boron ions . . . .

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Unnecessary repetition1

Unnecessary Repetition

The length of the transistor that can function as a long channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. The junction depth, of the boron source/drain implant, can be reduced by lowering the implant energy. However, lowering the implant energy increases the channeling probability for boron ions. The channeling probability for boron ions . . . .

Revising for Connection


Unnecessary repetition2

Unnecessary Repetition

The length of the transistor that can function as a long channel device is strongly related to its junction depth. Lowering the implant energy (and thereby increasing the channeling probability for boron ions) reduces the junction depth of the boron source/drain implant. The channeling probability for boron ions . . .

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Unnecessary repetition3

Unnecessary Repetition

This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary.

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Unnecessary repetition4

Unnecessary Repetition

This critique is structured around the models identified in the MSAT Project Management course notes presented by Mr. G. Robinson of E.M. Sciences Ltd. A specific model identifying the organizational boundary and defining the internal and external components forms the basis of this critique. The focus of this critique is limited to the internal organizational components which includes the following subjects: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships. The external components of the model -- e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands -- are beyond the scope of this critique. This critique focuses inside the organizational boundary.

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Unnecessary repetition5

Unnecessary Repetition

This critique is based on a model identifying organizational boundaries and defining the internal and external components of the organization.1 The external components of the model (e.g., threats, opportunities, and demands) are beyond the scope of this critique which focuses solely on the following internal components: Mission, Structure, Leadership, Rewards, Systems & Processes, and Relationships.

1G. Robinson. 1995. MSAT Project Management Course Notes. E.M. Sciences Ltd.

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Unnecessary repetition6

Unnecessary Repetition

To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that exists is not being made readily available to all employees.

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Unnecessary repetition7

Unnecessary Repetition

To my knowledge, no Mission Statement exists. This being said, either there is no Mission Statement, or the one that exists is not being made readily available to all employees.

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Unnecessary repetition8

Unnecessary Repetition

To my knowledge, either no Mission Statement exists or it is not being made readily available to all employees.

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Unnecessary repetition9

Unnecessary Repetition

I think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her argument.

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Unnecessary repetition10

Unnecessary Repetition

I think that in order to make strong statements about the presence of these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her argument. I also think that if these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to support her interpretations, I think that further excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her argument.

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Unnecessary repetition11

Unnecessary Repetition

In order to make strong statements about the presence of these items in the solitary cells, Casella needs more evidence supporting her argument. If these illicit materials were being smuggled into the solitary cells, it would be likely that either (1) large fragments or complete bottles/pipes would be found underlying the charcoal layer or (2) no illicit materials would be found if the cells were cleaned often and the objects removed. Although Casella uses the material evidence to support her interpretations, further excavation of the solitary cells would provide more information and better evidence to support or refute her argument.

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Some pointers

Some Pointers

  • Avoid “chaining” sentences together by repeating the last words of a sentence as the 1st words of the next sentence.

  • Ensure you edit “stream-of-consciousness” writing.

  • Avoid starting strings of sentences with phrases such as “I think” or “I believe.” We assume you think it if you wrote it.

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Some more pointers

Some More Pointers

  • Poetic repetition is a very powerful way to help people remember a key point.

    Victory at all costs, victory in spite of all terror, victory however long and hard the road may be; for without victory there is no survival. -- Winston Churchill

  • This technique is perhaps best saved for occasions such as delivering eulogies or motivational speeches.

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Patterns for parallel structure

Patterns for Parallel Structure

Phrase

and/or/but/etc.

Phrase

BalanceBalance

^

Verb

Noun

Verb

Noun

Verb

Noun

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Parallel sentence structure

Parallel Sentence Structure

Examples of coordinators in parallel structure

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Parallel sentence structure1

Parallel Sentence Structure

The system survey report will describe, in general, the current system activities, the problems that the current system is experiencing, and to present options and make recommendations to you and other decision making authorities.

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Parallel sentence structure2

Parallel Sentence Structure

The system survey report will describe, in general, the current system activities, the problems that the current system is experiencing, andto present options and make recommendations to you and other decision making authorities.

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Parallel sentence structure3

Parallel Sentence Structure

The system survey report will describe, in general, the current system activities and the problems that the current system is experiencing. It will also present options and make recommendations to you and other decision making authorities.

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Parallel sentence structure4

Parallel Sentence Structure

This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further information and the support package that PTE can offer for PC/FOCUS.

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Parallel sentence structure5

Parallel Sentence Structure

This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further information and the support package that PTE can offer for PC/FOCUS.

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Parallel sentence structure6

Parallel Sentence Structure

This discussion prompted me to contact PTE for further information and for the PC/FOCUS support package.

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Parallel sentence structure7

Parallel Sentence Structure

In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:

• repair our existing PCs

• purchase 11 more hard drives

• security is insufficient

• expand our operating hours

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Parallel sentence structure8

Parallel Sentence Structure

In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:

• repair our existing PCs

• purchase 11 more hard drives

• security is insufficient

• expand our operating hours

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Parallel sentence structure9

Parallel Sentence Structure

In order to improve our facilities, we must do the following:

• repair our existing PCs

• purchase 11 more hard drives

• increase system security

• expand our operating hours

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Parallel sentence structure10

Parallel Sentence Structure

The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project

management structure. This critique will discuss the

following topics:

  • My vision of the company as an optimal organization.

  • Strengths and weaknesses of current practices.

  • The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.

  • Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission.

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Parallel sentence structure11

Parallel Sentence Structure

The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project

management structure. This critique will discuss the

following topics:

  • My vision of the company as an optimal organization.

  • Strengths and weaknesses of current practices.

  • The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.

  • Finally, I will recommend ways to improve our structure and bring us closer to our mission.

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Parallel sentence structure12

Parallel Sentence Structure

The purpose of this paper is to critique our current project

management structure. This critique will discuss the

following topics:

  • My vision of the company as an optimal organization.

  • The strengths and weaknesses of current practices.

  • The effects of the current structure on the projects, the employees, and the organization as a whole.

    Finally, I recommend ways to improve our structure and

    bring us closer to our mission.

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Some pointers1

Some Pointers

  • Use the same verb form when linking ideas together using a coordinating conjunction.

  • Split excessively long sentences in two to avoid parallelism problems.

  • Repeat prepositions in lengthy prepositional phrases.

  • Try to balance length as well as structure.

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Some more pointers1

Some More Pointers

  • Ensure lists are parallel by starting all items with nouns or verbs.

  • Avoid mixing complete sentences and sentence fragments in lists.

  • Beware of Microsoft’s automated features!

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Pattern for vague this subject

Pattern for Vague “This” Subject

This (???)

Verb/Object

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Vague this subjects

Vague “This” Subjects

The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model.

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Vague this subjects1

Vague “This” Subjects

The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This is an additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model.

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Vague this subjects2

Vague “This” Subjects

The use of lower wind speeds in the dispersion model tends to predict higher ambient concentrations. This conservative approach is an additional reason to use Northland meteorological data in the dispersion model.

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Vague this subjects3

Vague “This” Subjects

RNB is a large, well managed technology company with dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill and experience. This has been externally validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.

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Vague this subjects4

Vague “This” Subjects

RNB is a large, well managed technology company with dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill and experience. This has been externally validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.

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Vague this subjects5

Vague “This” Subjects

RNB is a large, well managed technology company with dedicated people possessing generous amounts of skill and experience. These attributes have been externally validated by our ISO 9000 certifications and SEI level 2 rating.

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Vague this subjects6

Vague “This” Subjects

The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure. This is required to maintain motivation on projects where many extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment from employees.

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Vague this subjects7

Vague “This” Subjects

The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure. This is required to maintain motivation on projects where many extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists. This can be critical for commitment from employees.

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Vague this subjects8

Vague “This” Subjects

The next recommendation is to clarify the rewards structure in order to maintain motivation on projects where many extra hours are required and no overtime policy exists. Providing rewards can be critical for commitment from employees.

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Some pointers2

Some Pointers

  • Place a word or phrase immediately after the word “this” when it starts a sentence.

  • Avoid strings of vague “this” subjects.

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Pattern for transitions

Pattern for Transitions

Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of motion and gravitation. However, tomatoes grow best in full sunlight. So doctors are required to take the Hippocratic oath. Therefore, we must learn to more clearly explain what we mean.

  • Isaac Newton wrote Principia to explain his theories of motion and gravitation.

  • Tomatoes grow best in full sunlight.

  • Doctors are required to take the Hippocratic oath.

  • We must learn to more clearly explain what we mean.

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Transitions

Transitions

Partial list of prepositions

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Transitions1

Transitions

Partial list of conjunctions

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Transitions2

Transitions

Partial list of adverbials

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Using transitions

Using Transitions

Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred on the board.

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Using transitions1

Using Transitions

Since the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred on the board.

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Using transitions2

Using Transitions

Because the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred on the board.

OR

After the electrode was connected, a short circuit occurred on the board.

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Using transitions3

Using Transitions

The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the need for engaging in this type of project as they have a larger management component.

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Using transitions4

Using Transitions

The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the need for engaging in this type of project as they have a larger management component.

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Using transitions5

Using Transitions

The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the need for engaging in this type of project becausethey have a larger management component.

OR

The majority of this paper’s recommendations point to the need for engaging in this type of project when they have a larger management component.

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Using transitions6

Using Transitions

Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the pharmacy. There is no equipment available on the market for the IV admixture.

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Using transitions7

Using Transitions

Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the pharmacy. There is no equipment available on the market for the IV admixture.

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Using transitions8

Using Transitions

Injuries of this type have become a severe problem for the pharmacy because no equipment is available on the market for the IV admixture.

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Using transitions9

Using Transitions

There is not much peer-to-peer interaction. This has resulted in strong relationships between the R&D manager and the individuals on the team and weak relationships among members of the group. People in R&D are not used to interacting as peers. There has been a focus on domain expertise, which has resulted in pockets of expertise that lead to bottlenecks because expertise is not shared. Individuals start to feel ownership for individual components of the system. This creates technical dedication, but creates situations where individuals are taken as the authority that discouraged the technical exchange of information among the group. Because of the technical focus in R&D, it is easy to ignore the concerns and needs of the customer. On many occasions, with customer-focused projects, there has been direct contact between R&D and the customer. In order to maintain a customer focus, it is important for R&D teams to maintain a good relationship with the customer.

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Using transitions10

Using Transitions

A lack of peer interaction has led to strong relationships between the R&D manager and individuals on the team but weak relationships among team members. Although the focus on domain expertise encourages people to feel ownership for components of the system, it alsocreates situations where individuals are viewed as authorities. Consequently, technical dedication is encouraged while exchange of technical information is discouraged. In other words, we have pockets of expertise and bottlenecks in the flow of information because expertise is not shared. Technical focus in R&D can also lead to problems in relationships with customers, whose concerns and needs are often ignored. Note, however, that on many occasions our customer-focused projects have provided direct contact between R&D and customers. If we pay more attention to customer relations, then we shift the focus in R&D from domain expertise to customers and thusencourage much needed peer interaction.

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Some pointers3

Some Pointers

  • Use transitions to clarify the relationships between ideas.

  • More transitions for audiences with low expertise.

  • Fewer transitions for audiences with high expertise.

  • Be cautious when using “as” or “since.”

  • Recognize that a style heavily dependent upon empty sentence openers and vague “this” subjects is often lacking in transitions.

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This is your brain on style

This Is Your Brain on Style ;-)

Transitions

This is

As/Since

Parallel Structure

Repetion

Repetition

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Conclusion

Conclusion

Reflections: Which of the preceding style patterns do you find in your writing?

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