Adult Children Who Won’t GROW UP

1. Adult Children Who Won’t GROW UP

2. Not a trend, fad or generational “hiccup” • Characterized by putting off adult responsibilities; • Is it a laziness, or is it the fruits of affluence, or are larger economic forces to blame? • Years 18-25+ have become a new transitional never-never land between adolescence & adulthood;

3. “When Our Grown Kids Disappoint Us” Jane Adams, 2003 • The kids are all right and other lies parents tell; • Waiting for the kids to grow up before parents can get settled; • Parents who give too much; • Too much of a good thing.

4. Wall Street Journal, 1/6/05 • “The Coddling Crisis: Why Americans Think Adulthood Begins at Age 26” • Stunted independence; • Long distance handholding; • Higher expectations of bosses to act parental.

5. Usual Markers of Adulthood • Career choice selected by end of HS; • Completion of an education to prep for that career; • Entry into job market, building up job and salary history; • Financial independence from parents is longed for and achieved.

6. Usual Markers of Adulthood(continued) • Emotional maturity and satisfying love/friendship relationships; • Legal marriage, childbirth, home ownership or if still with parents, pays an appropriate R&B; • Citizen—pay taxes, vote in elections, responsibly upholding laws, uses self to serve community (volunteer, etc.)

7. Kinds of problems facing families with ACWWGU • Child cant/wont leave home or is paralyzed by indecision; • Child has problems getting/holding ANY job; • Child has a job with NO FUTURE; • Child won’t accept entry level position for career choice; • Child will only work part-time.

8. More Problems • Child is chronically depressed and/or abuses alcohol/drugs; • Child has escalating debts, financial crises, require parental “bail-outs;” • Child has eating disorder, bi-polar disorder or some condition that requires therapy/supervision; • Child lives outside the law (deals drugs, gets DWI’s, etc.)

9. Still More Problems • Can’t get along with others (family, job, friends, etc.) • Cannot tolerate frustration with systems and delegates parents to do it (Motor Vehicles, credit cards, college debts, job application procedures, etc.) • Emotionally immature expectations of life, job, boss. Has a sense of entitlement

10. Time Magazine 1/24/05 • Cover Story: “Grow Up? Not So Fast” • Previously called the problem “Generation X” or “slackers;” • New term: “Twixters”?? • Not just an American phenomenon; • Boomerang kids; Kippers; Tanguy syndrome, Nesthocker, Mammone, Freeter—all terms for the same condition.

11. The Effects on Parents • Delayed attainment of financial security (kids not set yet); • Ambivalence about feasibility of retirement (when, where, etc.)

12. The Effects on Parents (continued) • Husband/wife may staunchly disagree on nature, cause, solution to the problem; • Destructive parental blame & punishment cycles; • Increasingly long road of parenting.

13. Research on Twixters ( by SRBI Public Affairs 11/14/04, N=601, ages 18-29) WHAT MAKES YOU AN ADULT? 22% Having 1st child 22% Moving out of parental home 19% Getting good job with benefits 14% Getting married 10% Finishing school

14. MORE RESEARCH WHAT IS THE MAIN REASON YOU DON’T CONSIDER YOURSELF AN ADULT? 35% “Just enjoying life the way it is” 33% “Not financially yet independent ” 13% “Not out of school yet”

15. Still More Research EVEN THOUGH 43% WORRY ABOUT PAYING BILLS, THEY’RE BIG SPENDERS. % WHO SAY THEY SPEND MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE ON: Eating Out 32% Clothes 26% Going to/renting movies 17% Computers/software 12%

16. Seeking a “Safe Haven” in the Family • 70% report spending time with family in previous week; • 48% communicate daily with parents by phone or email; • 39% say parents have great deal of influence over their lives; • 26% say parents were TOO protective of them while growing up.

17. CULTURAL INFLUENCES • Family dynamics affected by 55% divorce rate; 2 working parents; high degree mobility; • High cost of living; • Latchkey children; • Delayed marriage & parenthood.

18. EDUCATIONAL PRACTICES • Teaching toward testing without develop. critical thinking skills; • Education geared toward college entrance without regard to purpose • Education without basic communication skills.

19. FAMILY/CHILD REARING PRACTICES • Less contact with families of origin and the extended family; • More permissive attitude/fewer limits on outside activities (hurried & overscheduled); • More encourage of “self-expression.” Little if any mentoring by fathers or uncles or other significant adults.

20. CHILD DEVELOPMENT • Developmental stages are incremental with specific challenges to be mastered for optimal function; • Separation/individuation crisis—development of a self; • Development of empathy; • Parallel process for parenting—parent is transformed by changing needs of child.

21. What is a “good enough” parent? • Parents who know how to both gratify and frustrate their child so that the child develops a connection and a confidence in their ability to become independent; • The parent who is not perfect but tries their best with the resources they have; • The parent who knows his/her limitations and can seek help when needed. • Mutually respectful with the child, accepts his/her dependency/vulnerability and does not violate that sense of trust.

22. ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT Early Adolescence (12-15) • Preoccupation with radical physical changes; • Peers exert greater influence; • First solo forays outside the family.

23. MORE ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENT Late adolescence (16-19) • Greater freedom from parental dominance; • Milestone achievements (driver license.) • Graduation from HS, first job; • College admission/graduation; • Peer influence predominates.

24. ADOLESCENT CHALLENGES AND DISTRACTIONS • Central question is: Who am I and Who will I be? • Common distractions: play station, x-box, game cube; cell phones; • Computer: games, instant messaging, internet, chat rooms; • Tattooing, piercing, etc. • Drugs, alcohol, cigarettes, sex; • Participation in criminal activity, vandalism, petty theft, etc.

25. YOUNG ADULT MATURITY IS ATTAINED! • Three processes need to be initiated: • Inner Direction and self awareness; • Foresight—Look where you are headed, set goals, move toward the future; • Self-launching—motivation, inspiration, optimism and ignition.

26. HOW CAN A PARENT HELP? • Help your kids figure out who they are by starting this process when they are 11 or 12. Periodically review their emerging strengths & weaknesses & work on shortcomings. Identify the kinds of interests they keep coming back to—the key to possible careers.

27. Parental Help • Talk about the future on a regular basis. • Talk to your child about life (yours and theirs) post-college. • Discuss the plus/minus of your own career. • Look for role models for your kids to talk to as opposed to members of their clique, or vague celebrity role models. • Have regular discussions about individuals in the family or other people that they respect and ask them how they got where they are!

28. PARENTAL HELP • Build your child’s work skills by giving them responsibilities around the house and making sure that they follow through. Require/insist on teens to take a part-time job. • Get them to earn special privileges/ benefits not just from the extra cash, but from the positive regard they development with supervisors, coworkers, etc.

29. PARENTAL HELP • Place time limits on leisure activities. Reduce passivity by reducing the amount of time your child spends on the computer, video games, x-box, etc. Do not let your child stay inside their inner bubble. Encourage your child to take up outside interests that encourage communication with people and worthwhile causes.

30. PARENTAL HELP • Help kids develop coping strategies so they know how to deal with setbacks & feelings of inadequacy. (See handout on Six Steps to problem solving).

31. PARENTAL HELP • Make sure that childhood is not an impossible act to follow. Don’t overindulge kids with spectacular vacations, opulent possessions & excessive extracurricular. Avoid creating hyper inflated egos that will puncture when they attempt to leave the family nest.

32. PARENTAL HELP, FINALLY • For the parents of the young adult: Display interest but do not take over the reins; career advice should be offered respectfully & parents should never make it seem there are easy answers; offer room/board and/or occasional gifts/grants but do not bankroll their adult start-up. (From: “Ready or Not, Here Life Comes”, by Dr. Mel Levine)