Building a Marriage with a Mission

1. Building a Marriage with a Mission Week 6- FORGIVENESS

2. Thinking Biblically… • The GOAL: Gen 2:24 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh. (NIV) • For what reason … • Gen 2:23 23 The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called 'woman,‘ for she was taken out of man.“ (from New International Version) • What stands in the way of this? • Lack of forgiveness / bitterness.

3. A BIBLICAL VIEW • How we are wired. • Ps 9:16 The LORD is known by his justice; the wicked are ensnared by the work of their hands. • Sense of justice. • Forgiveness matters to God • Heb 12:15-16 See to it that no one misses the grace of God and that no bitter root grows up to cause trouble and defile many. 16 See that no one is sexually immoral, or is godless like Esau, who for a single meal sold his inheritance rights as the oldest son. • Why is a bitter root a big deal?

4. Forgiveness matters to God • Homework – Read Matt 18:21-35 • The punch line …Matt 18:32-34 "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. • God’s view of forgiveness – it is all about HIS forgiveness. • We nurse bitterness thinking we are holding something over someone … • The reality – we are the ones in prison • This drives God to discipline us …

5. 5 Languages of Apology – Gary Chapman • Expressing regret. • Accepting responsibility. • Making restitution. • Genuinely expressing the desire to change your behavior • Requesting forgiveness

6. Granting Forgiveness – Gary Chapman • Forgiveness is not a feeling • Forgiveness does not destroy our memories. • Forgiveness does not remove all the consequences. • Forgiveness does not rebuilt trust (necessary but not over night) • Forgiveness does not always lead to reconciliation – to bring back into harmony.

7. How do you know? • 3 tests • The overflowing cup. • The math of relationships • Rate the offense • Rate the reaction • Above the ground – Below the ground • What was said … • What did it trigger – emotions etc.

8. Action plan – part A • Keep poison from seeping in to our foundation • Using the Bible’s language of apology: • I DID X ----- Name the sin … • I was WRONG …. Admit • I am SORRY ….. Real remorse vs. false remorse • 2 Cor 7:10 Godly sorrow brings repentance that leads to salvation and leaves no regret, but worldly sorrow brings death. • Will you please forgive me? • Response: Yes, I forgive you? • ONCE FORGIVENESS IS GRANTED, DON’T PICK AT THE SCAB.

9. Action plan – part B • Phase 1 – Forgiveness with your will – • Make the list • It hurt me when …. • I choose to forgive – not feeling based • Col 3:12-14 Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. 13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. 14 And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (NIV) • Phase 2 – Forgiveness with your heart • Pray for God to heal your heart • Stay active in prayer until God finishes the job • Phase 3 – Reconciliation • The primary burden for reconciliation is on the offender • You can trust God whether reconciliation happens or not

10. Other important disciplines • Three antidote to bitterness • Thankfulness • The root of bitterness is focus on me … • The easiest way to move the focus off me is to be thankful • Phil 4:6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. • Encouragement • Pouring yourself out for your spouse • 1 Thess 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. • Communications • More on this in 2 weeks

11. A similar model… • The Three Steps to ForgivenessAfter you have decided to forgive, you may experience the wrestling and turmoil of emotions. Follow these three steps: • Recite Forgiveness Scripture“And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” (Ephesians 4:32) Forgiveness starts with God; the first step is the declaration of truth. • Personalize the Forgiveness ScriptureNow make this truth your own, by inserting personal facts into the verse: “Help me Lord to be kind to my husband, forgiving him for his sin against me, because you have forgiven every one of my sins!” • Pray for an Un-Saved Loved One Needing ForgivenessNow we pray for another person (always pray for the same person—until the prayer is answered!).“Lord Jesus, I also pray for ______; I’m asking you to reveal yourself to him, so that he can experience the forgiveness of all of his sins too! • These three steps provide a way of conquering all of the negative and contrary emotions that fight against forgiveness. Learning how to forgive includes implementing a strategy to think properly. • http://www.the-intimate-couple.com/how-to-forgive.html

12. Group Discussion • Do you remember the last time you apologized? If so, what did you say? • Think back to the last time someone apologized to you. How did it go? Did is seem sincere? Did you forgive the other person? • Is there anyone you need to apologize to today? • Have you already seen pain from your past affecting your relationship? • What was the most meaningful thing that you heard today?