OIF Alphabet Part 2. Written and illustrated by the same crew as last time. A is for Air Force.
Written and illustrated by the same crew as last time.
Don’t let the cool glasses and baggy clothes confuse you these guys are not dancing. They are communicating through sign language. They have cool names like Stabs, Chum, Snapper and Radar. They fly through the sky with the greatest of ease and talk about it later at Al Udeid over three real beers. Why did I join the f@*!#ing Army?
You see them at the end of every month. Teams from the CTCs, Center for Army Lessons Learned and the Pentagon. They are here to help with advice while collecting TDY, combat pay and combat patches. They land in one plane and leave for home on the next one leaving. They slap on a combat patch and make up some war stories on the way to the next bird. You know who you are, and you suck.
Some people call them LNOs. They are sent to a higher headquarters with a top hat, cane and enough information to get them shot in the face during briefings. Watch them tap dance their way through a briefing to a member of the command group. It is sad but a hell of a lot of fun to watch.
D is for Division Staff.
We are all a team. Striving to go in one direction. Keeping a battle rhythm to maintain a steady pace. Row well and live, beeyotch!
E is for explosive devices.
Look at Abu Hussein, he is modeling the standard TNT vest. It is an oldie but a goodie.
Abu Ayman is modeling the more modern C4 vest with a digital clock.
Uh oh, Abu Ibrahim detonated prematurely. That looks like it hurt. No virgins for you.
F is for Fun Police.
What do we have here? A raid on an AIF house? Hell no! Somebody was doing something in their trailer that was fun and probably violated GO #1. Time for the fun police.
Gis for Good Idea Fairies.
You have probably dealt we these before. A field grade officer suddenly says, “I have an idea” and you know your screwed. They are demons from hell that target officers in the rank of Major and up. Kill them all or do the powerpoint slides.
H is for helper.
They sit in meetings and provide nothing. They don’t attend working groups or answer email. Throw them in a room with a GO and suddenly they have all sorts of info and are there to help.
Iis for Insects Attacking.
These men just got done with the largest Air Assault in the history of OIF. So why do they look mad? It turns out the Arabic translation of Swarmer is Insects attacking. So, not only do they have to guard sand, the operation’s cool name turned out to be really gay. Way to go BOB.
J is for Java.
All hail the sacred silver bullet, giver of the nectar of the gods. The warm glow of the red light brings joy to my soul. Your caffeine may be addictive but prevents me from laying down in fields or pastures. The sleep deprivation you bring clears my mind of trivial things like thought. Thanks to thee.
Death to those that partake but do not contribute to the coffee fund, bastards.
K is for knowledge.
Today we learn how to give people knowledge.
3. The light should go on and they should know their ass from a hole in the ground.
1. Take the individual outside and have them point at a hole in the ground.
2. Have them point to their ass.
6. Now they should know that having your head up your ass can hurt.
5. It should hurt, if not kick them while they are down. It isn’t mean you are giving them knowledge.
4. Now have them put their head in the hole in the ground.
Congratulations, you’re a teacher.
L is for Loopholes.
GO #1 does not allow “visitation” by a member of the opposite gender in living quarters. What is the definition of living quarters…..hmmmmm? I need a tent.
M is for musical extravaganza!
You thought OIF was a war. It is really a long and very bad musical. In this act Muqtada al Sadr makes a general mad while LNOs, IPs and suicide bombers dance beneath them. At the end of the act the suicide bombers explode, the IPs shoot some Sunnis and Sadr gets the flying camel. To bad it is true. Lived through it in 04, fun!
N is for Near Beer.
First they took away the sex and real beer. Now they are taking away the near beer. What is next no “self motivation?” Thank you fun police.
We hate you!
O is for OPTEMPO.
OPTEMPO drives all that we do. It allows us to work 14-18 hours days in the pursuit of mission success. It also allows us to run smack dab into the middle of a wall at the 4-5 month mark. Sleep is for the weak beyotches.
P is for Peeps.
Mmmm, mmmm mmmm, nothing says Happy Easter like a marshmallow chicken. Better yet nothing says morale like watching a guy eat 50 of these horrid things in 3 minutes and 20 seconds. It makes me sick just to think about it.
Q is for Qom, Iran.
Qom is in Iran. It is the center of the Shia faith. Iran wants nukes and the Shia in Iraq want to play games with us. Keep pushing our buttons and we might start pushing a few of our own. Here have a nuke Beeyotches.
R is for R and R.
What do the Easter Bunny, Osama Bin Laden and Santa Claus have in common with R and R? They are all figments of the imagination.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!!!!!!!
S is for sexual harassment.
You see them everyday. Female civilians creating a hostile work environment. They wear their hip hugger jeans, middrift shirts, flowing brown hair, tan skin and a pistol on their hips………….mmmmmmmmmm, jeans ………….. mmmmmm…..what the hell was I talking about?
T is for Tango.
In the military being on a staff is like dancing the Tango. When things go well it is a thing of beauty. Unfortunately when things go wrong it gets really bad. Just remember that very few staff officers have rhythm. In other words, we are all F@!#ed!
U is for Uniforms.
It is summer in Iraq and temperatures are running about 120 degrees. The man on the left is a contractor. His uniform consists of shorts, aloha shirt, sandals and a visor. He also makes a six figure salary. The man on the right is in the military. His uniform consists of ACUs, a kevlar helmet, vest with throat guard, pecker protector, shoulder protectors, ballistic plates, ammunition, knife, pistol, knee pads, ballistic glasses. He doesn’t make six figures. Who would you rather be? I’ll go with the left.
V is for VTC.
Nothing says efficiency like a meeting held by video across the world with multiple stations fusing and sharing information. Too bad there is a guy with a hot mike somewhere in the States that doesn’t know it. Now people around the world get to watch him sing and dance to 80’s tunes, awesome.
They are the most secret of organizations. The CIA has never heard of them. They kill without mercy or regret. They are swift, silent and deadly killers. The only problem is that the lawyers won’t let us use them. Something about the law of war. They don’t even exist and and the lawyers won’t let use them! WTF!?!
X is for X-Ray.
X-rays are cool. Doctors shoot radiation through your body to check out skeletal structure and bone mass. This doctor is confused right now. He did an X-ray on a staff officer. It looks like something is missing. What could it be? Hmmmmmmm…..I wonder.
Y is for Yak.
Why Yak? It is simple I couldn’t think of anything else beginning with the letter Y. Besides a Yak or two in this place could cause the insurgents to think of love, not war and we could all go home.
Z is for Zarqawi, again!
So what if Zarqawi was the letter Z last time. He is such an idiot we can never get enough of him. Nothing like standing in the desert with a machine gun that won’t work. I am scared now ……not really.
AMZ you suck. Try a suicide vest next time, asshole.