Let’s Talk About… Sexual Communication Dr. Tory Clark, MPH, DHS

1. Let’s Talk About…Sexual CommunicationDr. Tory Clark, MPH, DHS

2. Agenda • Define “Sex” • Sex education • Pornography • Sexual Consent

3. If you overheard someone say, "I had sex last night," what specific behaviors would you think had happened?
 If you overheard someone say, “I had sex last night,” what specific behaviors would you think had happened?

4. Sex Education

5. Small Group Discussion • Make a list of all the places/sources where you got info about sex while growing up. • Discuss the impact that each of these sources had on the accuracy of your info about sex & the impact of these sources on the majority of people you know. • Imagine you are parents, how would you rate the acceptability of each source of info for your “children”? • Make a list of the sources that you wish you would have had.

6. Should sex education include discussions about porn?? • Why sex education NEEDSto include discussions about porn.

7. Sexual Consent

8. What influences our ideas around sexual consent?? • Gender role expectations and sexual scripts • Women as undersexed, men as oversexed • Men as initiators, women as recipients • Women controlling their partner’s libido, men seeing women as sexual challenges • Men as unemotional and strong, women as nurturing and supportive • The Media

9. Psychosocial basis of rape • Peggy Reeves Sanday compared rape in 95 societies – rape is influenced by several factors: • Nature of the relations between the sexes • Status of the women • Attitudes that boys acquire during their developmental years • “Rape-prone” societies tolerate/glorify masculine violence • Encourage boys to be aggressive & competitive • View physical force as natural & exemplary • Men tend to have greater economic & political power • Refrain from “women’s work” – child rearing & household chores • Women & men in “rape-free” societies share power & authority & contribute equally to the community welfare

11. Why discuss sexual consent? A recent study of over 1,000 people ages 18-25 found that less than half of young adults interpret someone pushing them away as a no, and over 60% would not assume that crying means nonconsent. That same study found that more than one in five people expect intercourse after other kinds of touching, and that 25% of women have been silent when a partner did something sexual to them that they did not want. Flirting With Danger documentary

12. Blurred Lines

13. One thing I ask of youLet me be the one you back that ass toGo, from Malibu, to Paris, booYeah, I had a bitch, but she ain't bad as youSo hit me up when you passing throughI'll give you something big enough to tear your ass in twoSwag on, even when you dress casualI mean it's almost unbearableThen, honey you're not there when I'mWith my foresight bitch you pay me byNothing like your last guy, he too square for youHe don't smack that ass and pull your hair like thatSo I just watch and wait for you to saluteBut you didn't pickNot many women can refuse this pimpin'I'm a nice guy, but don't get it if you get with me

16. Sexual Consent • What is “sexual consent?” • An active process of willingly & freely choosing to participate in sex of any kind with someone else, & a shared responsibility for everyone engaging in, or who wants to engage in, any kind of sexual interaction with. • It is an ONGOING process • No fear. Safety and boundaries respected • Enthusiasm! YES!!

17. The Essential Rules of Consent • Consent is about everyone involved in the interaction • Consent can ALWAYS be withdrawn • Nothing makes consent automatic or unnecessary • Non-consent means STOP! • A lack of no does not mean yes • Consent cannot be given in some situations…. Like?

18. Chemical Courage • If you don’t have the confidence to do it sober, don’t do it with chemicals! • Ask yourself if its worth it….not worth the drama! • Frontal cortex of the brain and influence of chemicals • Medications

19. Consent 101: Use Your Words • Verbal Consent is a must for: • 1st time sexual partners • When a relationship is new or when you or a partner are new to sex in general • When you or your partner want to take the LEAST amount of risk in crossing a line or having your lines crossed • When you or a partner are just learning what you like sexually

20. If you’ve had a sexual relationship with someone before, but its been a while since you were sexual together • When you know or suspect you have a hard time reading nonverbal cues or that your own nonverbal cues may be tricky for someone else to interpret • People who have been sexually assaulted, especially recently or before a lot of healing has occurred

21. What does consent sound like? • May I ____ ? • I’d like to ____: would you like to? If not, what would you like to do? • How do you feel about doing ____? • Are there things you know you don’t want to do? What are they? Mine are ___ • Is there anything you need to feel comfortable or safe when we do ____? • I’m really interested in doing ____ with you, do you want to do that and does the timing feel right for you? • I’d like to have sex tonight, would you? What do you want to do or try?

22. What consent doesn’t sound like… • Let’s do ____ • I want ____ • Last week you really liked it when I ____, so we’ll do that again tonight. • I heard guys/girls really like it when someone ____, so let’s do that, you’ll probably like it. • Everyone likes ____. Its normal. • Let’s just do it! I love you. • You’re ok, right? I know you trust me, right? • What is the difference b/t these statements and the previous ones??

23. Verbal signals of consent & non-consent Consent: • Yes • I’m sure • I know • I’m excited • Don’t stop • More! • I want to… • I want you/it/that • That feels good • I feel good about this • I’m ready • This feels right • I’m not worried Non-consent: • No • I’m not sure • I don’t know • I’m scared • Stop • [silence] • No more • I want to, but…. • Can you please not do… • That hurts • Maybe • I love you, but…. • I don’t know how I feel

24. Consent 102: Non-verbal • Long time sexual partners • When everyone involved has already had a good deal of experience • When you & your partner already communicate nonverbally well in other situations • When you and/or a partner feel VERY confident you can read each other’s more subtle cues • When you have used verbal consent to establish that you’re going to start using more nonverbal consent

25. Nonverbal signs of consent and nonconsent Consent Nonconsent Avoiding eye contact Not initiating any sexual activity Pushing someone away Avoiding touch Shaking head no Discomfort with nudity Crying or sad looking “Closed” body language (tense, turning away, trembling voice) “Just lying there” • Direct eye contact • Initiating sexual activity • Pulling someone closer • Actively touching someone • Nodding yes • Comfort with nudity • Laughter/smiling • “Open” body language (relaxed, turning towards partner, etc.) • Sounds of enjoyment • An active body

26. When someone doesn’t care about consent…. • They act like they are in a big hurry • They act like you or others owe them sex or they owe you sex • They don’t ask you how you’re feeling or what you want • Focused on themselves • Not mentally present • Ignoring your stop signs • Makes you feel unsafe or worried • They react with anger, resentment • They don’t seem to have personal boundaries • Persistent

27. Consent “check-ins” • How does this feel? • Are you still enjoying this? • Are you comfortable? • Is there anything you need or want right now? • You seem quiet: are you okay? • Anything I should stop doing or do that I’m not doing? • This feels go: does it feel good for you?

28. The Consent Traffic Lights RED Signs you should stop: • You or a partner are too drunk to gauge or consent • Your partner is asleep or passed out • You hope that your partner will say nothing and go with the flow • You intend to have sex by any means necessary

29. YELLOWSigns you should pause and talk: • You’re not sure what the other person wants • You feel like you are getting mixed signals • Example? • You have not talked about what you want to do • You assume that you will do the same thing as before • Your partner stops or is not responsive

30. GREENKeep Communicating: • Partners come to a mutual decision about how far they want to go • Partners clearly express their comfort with the situation • You feel comfortable and safe stopping at any time • Partners are excited!

31. What is Femsex?http://unrfemsex.weebly.com/toryclark@hotmail.com

32. Extra Credit Opp Watch Tony Porter’s “A Call to Men” on Ted.com http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html For 10 points, type up a half page discussing your thoughts after viewing his talk.

33. BOOKS/WEBSITES • The Guide to Getting It On by Paul Joannides • Finding the Doorbell: Sexual Satisfaction for the Long Haul by Cindy Pierce and Edie Thys Morgan • For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality by Lonnie Barbach • The Erotic Mind by Jack Morin • Our Bodies, Ourselves: A New Edition for a New Era by Boston Women's Health Book Collective and Judy Norsigian • www.scarleteen.com • http://www.sexualhealth.com • http://www.the-clitoris.com • http://www.sexsmartfilms.com/