Selling Intimacy, Buying the Girlfriend Experience : Sex worker-Client Dynamics in the Authentic-Fake Commercial Sex

1. Selling Intimacy, Buying the �Girlfriend Experience�: Sex worker-Client Dynamics in the �Authentic-Fake� Commercial Sex Interaction Seminar 2: Embodied Intersubjectivity in Body Work Body Work: Critical Themes, Future Agenda�s ESRC Seminar Series University of Kent, July 11th 2008 Dr Teela Sanders University of Leeds, UK t.l.m.sanders@leeds.ac.uk

2. Drawing on sociological studies

3. Outline of paper Micro-dynamics of sex worker-client relationship Commercialisation of intimacy Girlfriend experience Continuum of commercial � conventional sex �Manufactured identity�: sexual, physical, bodily capital Emotional labour & work Impact on gender relations Transformation of intimacy & �pure relationship� Male / transgender / women sell sex � but here predominantly talk about female sex workers selling to male clients as main aspect of sex industry Male / transgender / women sell sex � but here predominantly talk about female sex workers selling to male clients as main aspect of sex industry

4. Men who buy sex �Regulars� : repeated visits same sex worker(s) Indoor sex markets; incall or outcalls, flats, Girlfriend Experience (GFE) Girlfriend: kissing, cuddling, intimate acts, social Experience: romance, atmosphere; natural, non-commercial, emotional connection �Reciprocated intimacy�: mutuality Expectations amongst men; online discussions; customer and consumer status, standards In the sex work community, particularly on the message boards, the concept of the �girlfriend experience� (GFE) has been coined to express a commercial experience that combines physical, bodily ecstasy and emotional nourishment: For me a GFE has got to build up over some time so if I go and see somebody for the first time let�s say, I mean I�ve seen women in their thirties and it just hasn�t worked and I never see them again. It�s almost indefinable, you see somebody and if there is a rapport or if you develop a rapport, whether it�s her meeting my needs or occasionally me meeting her�s, I�m trying not to use the word chemistry (Ron, 51 years old, separated, teacher). The GFE was described using concepts such as �rapport�, �chemistry�, �passion�, �connection�. Interviewees found it difficult to put this experience into words as they would defer to a �feeling� of intimacy. John (58, divorced, sales) describes how intimacy is sought that mirrors conventional relationships and disguises the commercial element: �You�re with someone who is really friendly and nice and you get on with and you�ve had sex and it hasn�t felt like a paid encounter�. There is a sense of caring and consideration in the girlfriend experience that the men appreciate and use as a benchmark for the quality of the relationship: �In the girlfriend experience you get a cup of tea and a chat and a glass of wine and it�s not interpreted by the hour but by the service� (Richard, 56, separated, media). The perception of these relationships overrides the commercial element which acts as a technique of neutralization that prevents commerce colouring the experience of the relationship. In the sex work community, particularly on the message boards, the concept of the �girlfriend experience� (GFE) has been coined to express a commercial experience that combines physical, bodily ecstasy and emotional nourishment: For me a GFE has got to build up over some time so if I go and see somebody for the first time let�s say, I mean I�ve seen women in their thirties and it just hasn�t worked and I never see them again. It�s almost indefinable, you see somebody and if there is a rapport or if you develop a rapport, whether it�s her meeting my needs or occasionally me meeting her�s, I�m trying not to use the word chemistry (Ron, 51 years old, separated, teacher). The GFE was described using concepts such as �rapport�, �chemistry�, �passion�, �connection�. Interviewees found it difficult to put this experience into words as they would defer to a �feeling� of intimacy. John (58, divorced, sales) describes how intimacy is sought that mirrors conventional relationships and disguises the commercial element: �You�re with someone who is really friendly and nice and you get on with and you�ve had sex and it hasn�t felt like a paid encounter�. There is a sense of caring and consideration in the girlfriend experience that the men appreciate and use as a benchmark for the quality of the relationship: �In the girlfriend experience you get a cup of tea and a chat and a glass of wine and it�s not interpreted by the hour but by the service� (Richard, 56, separated, media). The perception of these relationships overrides the commercial element which acts as a technique of neutralization that prevents commerce colouring the experience of the relationship.

5. Performing the �male client� role 5 key features of the traditional male sexual script that are also prominent in commercial sexual relationships between regulars and sex workers. (Sanders, 2008) role of communication courtship rituals sexual familiarity mutual �satisfaction� development of �friendship� and emotional connections Argument that there is not particular differences between the content of relationships that are considered conventional and �normal� with that commercial. Male sexual scripts are narrated in similar ways and experiences through the same dynamics and factors as �ordinary� sexual relationships. Argument that there is not particular differences between the content of relationships that are considered conventional and �normal� with that commercial. Male sexual scripts are narrated in similar ways and experiences through the same dynamics and factors as �ordinary� sexual relationships.

6. Mutual enjoyment, delusion or just a good service? Clients desire intimacy and pleasure Sex workers do not (generally) want to experience �real� intimacy at �work� / job How then is intimacy sold and experienced / consumed in the commercial relationship? How does �reciprocated intimacy� work ?

7. Dynamics of Mutuality How do the regular male clients experience this: �authentic�; �authentic-fake�; genuine �real�. Authentic: clients experience the interaction like an authentic �real� experience of mutuality but is an illusion: client believes it is true Referred to by Plumridge et al., (1997) as �the myth of mutuality�, clients present an inflated and exaggerated ideal of the sexual interaction which the sex worker does not experience: �I know it was satisfying to her. Trust me it was more satisfying to her than it was for me but it was one of those things that I�m just glad if being with me can satisfy someone because in a way that validates me as a male� (Alan, 59, divorced, retired). There is a level of naivety amongst some clients who were adamant that the sexual pleasure is two-way: �I personally would say she�s not acting with me. She says she�s not� (Howard, 49, married, academic). The desire for the sexual experience to be pleasurable on both sides was a recurrent theme in the client�s narrative: Authentic fake: the client rationalises that it is not �real� and recognises that the sex worker is using her skills to do a job. BUT experiences the interaction as mutual pleasure. Bounded authenticity. Illusion works in the moment. Sex workers were constructed as �business women�, �service providers� and choice makers who were opting to apply their bodies, sexuality and femininity to make money. The sexualisation of the work through both bodily services and emotional labour was acknowledged by men who admitted that the mutuality that they may have experienced, or convinced themselves of, was in fact an extension of the sex workers ability to provide a �good� service. When describing close intimate relationships, caveats would be added such as that by Craig (38, single, sales): �Remember at the end of the day it�s just a business transaction, albeit a very pleasurable one�. Some participants defined a �good worker� as someone who provided a service that masked the economic exchange to create a scenario where the marketplace was not visible at an emotional or physical level: Not all the girls that I�ve known, are all good actors. It�s a job. I recognise it�s a job to them. But for the hour or couple that you�re with them, a good escort will make you feel that they are not prostitutes, they�re you know, girlfriends (Jeff, 57, married, senior management). Some of them are very good actresses shall we say. You do believe them, but you obviously can�t take it totally to heart but yes, you can believe that you are there and they do enjoy your company (Ross, 54, single, engineering). These �authentic fake� experiences were considered to be mutual experiences of pleasure in the moment, although rationally clients were fully aware of the performance of the commercial liaison. Commenting on the trusting relationship he had with a sex worker, Mitchell (49, married, managing director) commented: �There is some kind of bond even though it�s not real�. It was evident that some men bought into and believed the illusions of mutuality that the sex worker, with her sexual skills and emotional labour, constructed. Contrasting the quality of the �authentic fake� experience between parlours and escorts, Steve (47, divorced, IT specialist) commented: �What I go for is when you are treated like a friend whether you are or not. As I say it�s all theatrical. It�s an act she�s putting on and it�s just far nicer than �wham bam thank you mam� down the parlour�. Men who were realistic about the authenticity of the relationship were aware that acting was a necessary part of the service and were prepared to pay more money to receive a service that accounted for this fantasy. Genuine mutuality: real pleasure experienced by both parties Contesting the complete accuracy of Plumridges concept of �the myth of mutuality� there are examples where the lines between the commercial and conventional relationships for BOTH sex workers and clients are blurred and merge into one. In these examples BOTH parties do experience �real� mutuality, sexually, emotionally. Weird space between commercial and non-commercial. Stop taking money from clients. Gaffney � male sex workers and clients. Frank � autoethnography as exotic dancer � mixed feelings about clients. For the reasons of �falling in love� etc both sex workers and clients often have rules about not getting emotionally involved. There are of cause many examples of this �falling in love� and sex workers and clients marrying. Complex state of play where there is a constant movement between roles and states of �reality� in and out of the commercial contract. Clients explained how they experience this Sex workers also have to deal with this movement in and out of �doing intimacy� and �doing gender�. How?How do the regular male clients experience this: �authentic�; �authentic-fake�; genuine �real�. Authentic: clients experience the interaction like an authentic �real� experience of mutuality but is an illusion: client believes it is true Referred to by Plumridge et al., (1997) as �the myth of mutuality�, clients present an inflated and exaggerated ideal of the sexual interaction which the sex worker does not experience: �I know it was satisfying to her. Trust me it was more satisfying to her than it was for me but it was one of those things that I�m just glad if being with me can satisfy someone because in a way that validates me as a male� (Alan, 59, divorced, retired). There is a level of naivety amongst some clients who were adamant that the sexual pleasure is two-way: �I personally would say she�s not acting with me. She says she�s not� (Howard, 49, married, academic). The desire for the sexual experience to be pleasurable on both sides was a recurrent theme in the client�s narrative: Authentic fake: the client rationalises that it is not �real� and recognises that the sex worker is using her skills to do a job. BUT experiences the interaction as mutual pleasure. Bounded authenticity. Illusion works in the moment. Sex workers were constructed as �business women�, �service providers� and choice makers who were opting to apply their bodies, sexuality and femininity to make money. The sexualisation of the work through both bodily services and emotional labour was acknowledged by men who admitted that the mutuality that they may have experienced, or convinced themselves of, was in fact an extension of the sex workers ability to provide a �good� service. When describing close intimate relationships, caveats would be added such as that by Craig (38, single, sales): �Remember at the end of the day it�s just a business transaction, albeit a very pleasurable one�. Some participants defined a �good worker� as someone who provided a service that masked the economic exchange to create a scenario where the marketplace was not visible at an emotional or physical level: Not all the girls that I�ve known, are all good actors. It�s a job. I recognise it�s a job to them. But for the hour or couple that you�re with them, a good escort will make you feel that they are not prostitutes, they�re you know, girlfriends (Jeff, 57, married, senior management). Some of them are very good actresses shall we say. You do believe them, but you obviously can�t take it totally to heart but yes, you can believe that you are there and they do enjoy your company (Ross, 54, single, engineering). These �authentic fake� experiences were considered to be mutual experiences of pleasure in the moment, although rationally clients were fully aware of the performance of the commercial liaison. Commenting on the trusting relationship he had with a sex worker, Mitchell (49, married, managing director) commented: �There is some kind of bond even though it�s not real�. It was evident that some men bought into and believed the illusions of mutuality that the sex worker, with her sexual skills and emotional labour, constructed. Contrasting the quality of the �authentic fake� experience between parlours and escorts, Steve (47, divorced, IT specialist) commented: �What I go for is when you are treated like a friend whether you are or not. As I say it�s all theatrical. It�s an act she�s putting on and it�s just far nicer than �wham bam thank you mam� down the parlour�. Men who were realistic about the authenticity of the relationship were aware that acting was a necessary part of the service and were prepared to pay more money to receive a service that accounted for this fantasy. Genuine mutuality: real pleasure experienced by both parties Contesting the complete accuracy of Plumridges concept of �the myth of mutuality� there are examples where the lines between the commercial and conventional relationships for BOTH sex workers and clients are blurred and merge into one. In these examples BOTH parties do experience �real� mutuality, sexually, emotionally. Weird space between commercial and non-commercial. Stop taking money from clients. Gaffney � male sex workers and clients. Frank � autoethnography as exotic dancer � mixed feelings about clients. For the reasons of �falling in love� etc both sex workers and clients often have rules about not getting emotionally involved. There are of cause many examples of this �falling in love� and sex workers and clients marrying. Complex state of play where there is a constant movement between roles and states of �reality� in and out of the commercial contract. Clients explained how they experience this Sex workers also have to deal with this movement in and out of �doing intimacy� and �doing gender�. How?

8. Manufactured Identity (1)(Sanders, 2005) Impression management: construct, market and deliver the GFE Sexual capital � persona, attitude, skills and image Bodily capital � feminised image & cosmetic surgery Cultural and educational capital � elite escorts; social entertainer; courtesan skills Emotional labour to produce desired feeling in client Performing as a business strategy Advertising, marketing, competition, specialization, upscaling (Brents & Hausbeck, 2007) Sex workers who work at this level, and do it successfully (ie don�t get burnt out, or become affected emotionally) need to work hard at impression management in all asoects of their work. �Emotion, it has been argued, can be and often is subject to acts of management. The individual often works on inducing or inhibiting feelings so as to render them appropriate to a situation� (Hochschild, 1979:551). I use the term emotional labour to mean the management of feeling to create a publicly observable facial and bodily display� (Hochschild,1983) �surface acting� produce desired feeling in the client Sex workers who work at this level, and do it successfully (ie don�t get burnt out, or become affected emotionally) need to work hard at impression management in all asoects of their work. �Emotion, it has been argued, can be and often is subject to acts of management. The individual often works on inducing or inhibiting feelings so as to render them appropriate to a situation� (Hochschild, 1979:551). I use the term emotional labour to mean the management of feeling to create a publicly observable facial and bodily display� (Hochschild,1983) �surface acting� produce desired feeling in the client

9. The realness of fake identity Clients will withdraw business if they don�t receive �genuine� and �consistent� service: field reports �Compel belief� (Butler, 1993) in the performance Art of convincing men that what they are purchasing is real through identity, appearance and attitude �I am really good and I want them to think that when they leave the room. I do not want them to think when they walk out that they have just shagged a goddamn robot�. You rely on them coming back. It is like a clothes shop who relies on people coming back to buy their clothes because their clothes are good� (Beryl, working premises). Performing the role �You have to imagine yourself to be the person that people want from a man�s point of view�..you have to be what they want� (Natasha, working premises). �Even when we are answering the phone we put on a different voice, a work voice which is sexy and flirtatious� (Leigh, working premises). �If they ask me questions I will answer them but it is not the truth and they don't know that. I lie because that is Belinda, not me� (Belinda, sauna). Skills �I just act, I literally do. I watch porno�s and act like that in the room� (Kelly, sauna) �When I was at school I was in the drama and theatre group and it [sex work] is quite similar. When you are doing the fantasies you are not the same person that you are when you are at home with the children or with your friends. I am acting that part and I am not me really� (Ali, works from home) The acting role �You are just acting. We are our name when we go in that room we are not the real person� (Astrid, working premises) �Personally I feel like it is no different to the actors who do the sex scenes on the telly� (Sammy, sauna). �It is like coming into an acting role as soon as you come through the door. I am like that person and not who I really am when I am sitting at home. (Eleanor, sauna). �doing gender at work� manage emotional difficulties of sex work �strategist�, sexual technician, labourer, actress skills lie in the ability to conceal their identities and present as �other� disembodiment and alienation? �I am really good and I want them to think that when they leave the room. I do not want them to think when they walk out that they have just shagged a goddamn robot�. You rely on them coming back. It is like a clothes shop who relies on people coming back to buy their clothes because their clothes are good� (Beryl, working premises). Performing the role �You have to imagine yourself to be the person that people want from a man�s point of view�..you have to be what they want� (Natasha, working premises). �Even when we are answering the phone we put on a different voice, a work voice which is sexy and flirtatious� (Leigh, working premises). �If they ask me questions I will answer them but it is not the truth and they don't know that. I lie because that is Belinda, not me� (Belinda, sauna). Skills �I just act, I literally do. I watch porno�s and act like that in the room� (Kelly, sauna) �When I was at school I was in the drama and theatre group and it [sex work] is quite similar. When you are doing the fantasies you are not the same person that you are when you are at home with the children or with your friends. I am acting that part and I am not me really� (Ali, works from home) The acting role �You are just acting. We are our name when we go in that room we are not the real person� (Astrid, working premises) �Personally I feel like it is no different to the actors who do the sex scenes on the telly� (Sammy, sauna). �It is like coming into an acting role as soon as you come through the door. I am like that person and not who I really am when I am sitting at home. (Eleanor, sauna). �doing gender at work� manage emotional difficulties of sex work �strategist�, sexual technician, labourer, actress skills lie in the ability to conceal their identities and present as �other� disembodiment and alienation?

10. Upscaling and marketing: GFE+ Courtesan Practice Partner Holistic Sex Coach Sensual Awakening & Tantra Fetish & Fantasy Kama sutra Style and Paper days Golfing Partner Holliday Companion Melting Moments Pearl Elite International is an association of discreet elite independent travel, dinner, and sports companions dedicated to providing the highest quality luxury companionship available. We have formed this association to elevate standards in the profession, and to ensure that they remain high. Our members are exquisite in every way. They have been carefully selected from among thousands around the world for their beauty, personality, discretion, comportment, presentation, selectiveness, and good name in the professional companionship world. All have a minimum booking time of at least three hours, most have minimums of several hours, and are available to travel to you. Many have advanced degrees and high-level education. All are familiar with and adhere to the strictest standards of modern etiquette, not the least of which is discretion. Pearl Elite International is an association of discreet elite independent travel, dinner, and sports companions dedicated to providing the highest quality luxury companionship available. We have formed this association to elevate standards in the profession, and to ensure that they remain high. Our members are exquisite in every way. They have been carefully selected from among thousands around the world for their beauty, personality, discretion, comportment, presentation, selectiveness, and good name in the professional companionship world. All have a minimum booking time of at least three hours, most have minimums of several hours, and are available to travel to you. Many have advanced degrees and high-level education. All are familiar with and adhere to the strictest standards of modern etiquette, not the least of which is discretion.

11. Manufactured Identity (2) Psychological and emotional protection Emotional work on the self Avoiding intimate relationships The meaning of sex work Humour & nicknaming The condom as barrier Body exclusion zones Routinisation of service Manufactured identity has a dual function: 1) 2) Psychological protection and emotional barriers: emotional management strategies�emotional WORK By �emotion work� I refer to the act of trying to change in degree or quality an emotion or feeling. To �work on� an emotion or feeling is, for our purposes, the same as �to manage� an emotion or to do �deep acting� (Hochschild, 1979:561). Shaping, suppressing, manipulating, evoking Conscious decisions are made all the time to stop any contact happening even though you are having sex� (Eleanor, sauna) Majority of the time sex workers fall in the experience of �authentic fake� and also do not want to experience genuine intimacy or mutuality. Manufactured identity has a dual function: 1) 2) Psychological protection and emotional barriers: emotional management strategies�emotional WORK By �emotion work� I refer to the act of trying to change in degree or quality an emotion or feeling. To �work on� an emotion or feeling is, for our purposes, the same as �to manage� an emotion or to do �deep acting� (Hochschild, 1979:561). Shaping, suppressing, manipulating, evoking Conscious decisions are made all the time to stop any contact happening even though you are having sex� (Eleanor, sauna) Majority of the time sex workers fall in the experience of �authentic fake� and also do not want to experience genuine intimacy or mutuality.

12. Sex as �work�: Mainstream work option Exploiting existing �skills�: Sexual. Aesthetic and Emotional labour Bodily capital � not selling �themselves� but services; sexuality, cosmetic surgery Utilise and adapt skills from other sexualised jobs: nursing Women exploiting their sexuality / femininity Becoming a mainstream work option (students, migrants) Selling a fantasy within commercially bounded contract So what are the consequences of the availability of the purchase of intimacy through the commercial sex? Impact on gender and employment dynamics: Legitimacy of sexual, emotional and bodily labour Exploitation, poor working conditions, no regulation, commodification, alienation, disenfranchisement from working rightsSo what are the consequences of the availability of the purchase of intimacy through the commercial sex? Impact on gender and employment dynamics: Legitimacy of sexual, emotional and bodily labour Exploitation, poor working conditions, no regulation, commodification, alienation, disenfranchisement from working rights

13. The �transformation of intimacy�: continues �Bounded authenticity� (Bernstein, 2001) Purchase of intimacy (and fantasy) in a commercial contract but the marketplace is invisible during the experience �Pure relationship�: GFE as a commodity Giddens: Sexuality, intimacy tied together: AND commerce in modernity. Business contract seals a boundary around the experience and protects it from other expectations. This has implications for gender relations: Commercial sex becomes a real contender as a market where experiences of intimacy can be found Giddens and Beck�s view of modernity and the existence of the �pure relationship� can be used to understand why the GFE has become such a commodity. Through individualism and the pursuit of self actualisation through emotional and sexual interaction, the entitlement to a private life, a sex life and sexual and emotional fulfillment becomes the motivator by which some people seek commercial sex. This middle class view / experience of commercial sex (both on the side of the client and sex worker) means that the markey place is becoming more acceptable as a place to find �the pure relationship�. Sexuality and intimacy, as Giddens cites (1992:82) are tied together more than ever before. New representations of masculinity across the lifecourse, the increased visibility and toleration of the sex industries and the desire for quality of life to include positive intimate sexual encounters for men throughout the lifecourse has lead to the relationship between intimacy, commerce and sex taking shape in the marketplace. Increase in men consuming sex? Since 1999: 81357 �Field Reports� have been published. Cost �10,488,366 Diversification of sex markets Business contract seals a boundary around the experience and protects it from other expectations. This has implications for gender relations: Commercial sex becomes a real contender as a market where experiences of intimacy can be found Giddens and Beck�s view of modernity and the existence of the �pure relationship� can be used to understand why the GFE has become such a commodity. Through individualism and the pursuit of self actualisation through emotional and sexual interaction, the entitlement to a private life, a sex life and sexual and emotional fulfillment becomes the motivator by which some people seek commercial sex. This middle class view / experience of commercial sex (both on the side of the client and sex worker) means that the markey place is becoming more acceptable as a place to find �the pure relationship�. Sexuality and intimacy, as Giddens cites (1992:82) are tied together more than ever before. New representations of masculinity across the lifecourse, the increased visibility and toleration of the sex industries and the desire for quality of life to include positive intimate sexual encounters for men throughout the lifecourse has lead to the relationship between intimacy, commerce and sex taking shape in the marketplace. Increase in men consuming sex? Since 1999: 81357 �Field Reports� have been published. Cost �10,488,366 Diversification of sex markets

14. References Bernstein, E. 2001 'The Meaning of the Purchase : Desire, Demand and the Commerce of Sex', Ethnography 2(3): 389-420. � 2007 'Sex work for the Middle Classes', Sexualities 10(4): 473-488 Brents, B. and Hausbeck, K. 2007 'Marketing Sex: U.S Legal Brothels and Late Capitalist Consumption', Sexualities 10(4). Hochschild, A. 1979 'Emotion Work, Feeling Rules and Social Structure', American Journal of Sociology 85(3): 551-75. Illouz, E. 1997 Consuming the Romantic Utopia, Berkeley: University of California Press. Sanders , T. 2008 'Male Sexual Scripts: Intimacy, Sexuality and Pleasure in the Purchase of Commercial Sex, ' Sociology 42(1). Sanders, T. 2005 'It's Just Acting: Sex Workers' Strategies for Capitalising on Sexuality', Gender, Work and Organization 12(4): 319-342. n: Sage. � 2005 Sex Work - A Risky Business, Cullompton: Willan. � 2008 Paying for Pleasure: Men who Buy Sex, Cullompton, Devon: Willan.