Making a Love Connection. Styles of Love and Attachment. Chapter 7. Distinguishing Loving from Liking. Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different. Liking is based on affection and respect. Loving is based on attachment, caring, and interdependence.
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Making a Love Connection
Styles of Love
Loving and liking are related but qualitatively different.
Liking is based on affection and respect.
Loving is based on attachment, caring, and interdependence.
Some research adds passion (fascinated by the loved one, feeling the relationships is unique and exclusive, and sexual desire)
Is liking necessary for loving?
Foundation of the triangle
Feelings of emotional connection and closeness
Latent intimacy (internal feelings of closeness) vs. manifest intimacy (how you comm. affection/closeness)
Latent plateaus and manifest decreases over time.
Based on motivation and arousal
Can friends feel passionate towards each other? Or parents towards their children?
Your book says yes, but its important to note romantic relationships are characterized by sexual arousal.
Uncontrollable as this kind of
love is referred to as infatuation
Falling in and out of love quickly
Can be difficult to sustain as its unstable
Based on cognitive choice-referring to the decision to love someone and maintain committed
Relatively stable (builds gradually, then stabilizes)
Commitment is related to
trust, loyalty, and faithfulness,
which have been found to be central to
views of what love is
Commitment also predicts rel. stability (to some degree)
8 Types of love identified by Sternberg:
Nonlove = none
Liking = intimacy only
Infatuation= passion only
Empty love= commitment only
Romantic love= passion + intimacy
Friendship love= intimacy + commitment
Fatuous love = passion + commitment
Consummate love= all three components
Sometimes the feelings of friendship, caring, or passion the characterize loving and likely are not reciprocated.
Involves a would-be-lover (wants to intensify rel.) and a rejector (does not)
May or may not stem from a relationship
Would-be-lover face’s a dilemma
1.) keep quiet about feelings 2.) try to win their love. Ex, Friend Zone on MTV
Rejectors report experiencing more negative emotions than would-be lovers.
Emotions such as??
Assess yourself: pp. 158-159
The Primary Styles
Eros: Romantic or passionate love
Storge: Companionate love
Ludus: Game-Playing Love
The Secondary Styles
Mania: Possessive Love (eros + ludus)
Pragma: Practical Love (storge + ludus)
Agape: Unselfish Love (storge + eros)
What are sex differences?
Box 7.3 is informative.
Physiological and behavioral responses to love in their interviews could be grouped into seven categories representing the experiences of 90% of lovers.
1. Collaborative love: love is seen as a partnership involving mutual support, negotiation, increases energy, intensifies emotion.
2. Active love: based on activity and doing things together. Feelings of increased strength and self-confidence.
3. Intuitive love: love is a feeling communicated through nonverbals and feelings such as butterflies, and feeling warm all over.
4.) Committed love: based on commitment and feelings of commitment, spending time together and discussion of future.
5.) Secure love: based on security and intimacy. Feelings of safety and warmth, communicated through self-disclosure.
6.) Expressive love: shown through overt behavior. Doing things for partner and saying “I love you” often.
7.) Traditional romantic love: loves involves togetherness and commitment. When people are in love, they feel beautiful and happy.
Do you believe this represents 90% of lovers experiences?
Beginning in infancy and continuing throughout the lifespan, humans have an innate need to form attachments with others.
The interaction children have with caregivers leads to the development of internal working models (IWM) of self and others.
Attachment styles are relatively coherent patterns of emotion and social behavior that are exhibited in close relationships.
Model of self and others therefore ranges from positive to negative.
Secure:“goodness of fit” in terms of stimulation, responsive to basic needs, consistently caring
Avoidant: over- or under-stimulated, sometimes neglected (show little emotion when separated or returned to caregiver)
Anxious-Ambivalent: inconsistent response patterns, parent is preoccupied or stressed (anxious when separated but ambivalent when caregiver returns)
Children’s Attachment Styles after 2 years:
Secure: around 70% of children (positive models of self and others)
Avoidant: around 20% of children (negative models of others)
Anxious-Ambivalent: around 10% of children (negative models of self)
Positive Model of Others
(I’m not okay,
you’re not okay)
(I’m not okay,
you’re not okay)
Negative Model of Others
Self-sufficient and comfortable with intimacy
Compromise and problem-solving during conflict
Highest level of maintenance behavior
Tend to be pleasant, self-disclosive, and skilled communicators
Reinforcement Effect: Because secures are confident and expressive, people react to them positively, reinforcing positive models of self and others
Overly involved and dependent
Want excessive intimacy and worry that partners do not care enough for them
Demanding, nagging conflict behavior
Express negative emotion with aggression or passive aggression
Overly disclosive and overly sensitive
Reinforcement Effect: By clinging to their partners and escalating intimacy quickly, they push partners away, thereby reinforcing that they are unworthy of love
Fearful of intimacy (they have been hurt in the past and/or fear rejection)
Communication is often passive, guarded, and anxious
Trouble expressing emotions and self-disclosing
Relatively low levels of maintenance and nonverbal pleasantness
Reinforcement Effect: By avoiding taking risks, they keep themselves from developing the kind of close, positive relationship that will help them feel better about themselves and others
Counterdependent (self-sufficient to the point of pushing others away)
Relationships seen as nonessential; personal goals are a higher priority
Relatively low levels of relational maintenance, disclosure, and emotional expression
Withdrawing conflict style with more interruptions
Reinforcement Effect: By learning to get along on their own, they reinforce the idea that they do not need other people to be happy
Explanation for Relationship Satisfaction
General communication skills and emotional communication skills
Explanations for Stability
Interactions with caregivers have an especially strong effect on a person’s social development.
The Reinforcement Effect for each style
Explanations for Change
Significant life/relationship events
The partner’s attachment style
Variability across relationship types
More central to personality for some people