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1. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it was not hers either. Apparently, as I found out later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal program, if you're not familiar with it, is when women go on dates with men merely to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all of the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I understood that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. Online dating sucks, but... There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them properly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships are the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I stopped the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend who I thought I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship novice. I was depressed. I was scared. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a small voice in my head said,"you are going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick online dating's ass!" I began to channel my distress into anger, and my anger into determination. I began to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I called,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the whole process I chose to master online dating. From optimizing your

2. profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, starting meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not just get dates, but possibly discover the love of your life (with minimal stress). Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might need to be different than the under. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the emotions that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I will go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you will be more inclined to enjoy the process. And, if you are diligent, you may end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I have been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 decades and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but perhaps they are, I'll leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Note: You can also hear the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I pay a whole lot of these approaches as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own dating journey (and answer listener questions). The absolute most frequent mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is they don't define their goal clearly. Deep down inside, the majority of us know whether we're searching for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with internet dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is an incredibly smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. Basically, so as to maximize for receiving dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I would like to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The problem, in the case of dating, is the arrangement of a dating profile and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to pick up on visual clues much faster than written clues. In fact, they have found that men who are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles conceal most information other than the profile photograph before a user clicks, resulting in provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have hot photos up on your instagram, leading together on your online dating profile

3. is sending signals that could be attracting the wrong type of guy. Additionally, there are plenty of classy ways to have interesting pictures that speak to more than just the unconscious brain. Internet Dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to find a relationship, her photos were sending signals that she's searching for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Every man who has done online dating will attest to the battle of getting a woman to swipe right on their profile, let alone to make them participate in a conversation. Guys, this is completely your fault. I've seen men spend hours talking about the statistics of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, and even how financial reports will influence the team's chances. However, when it comes to online dating, men have a tendency to slap a few pictures in their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you begin creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you are trying to attain. Are you trying to date a lot of people? Or are you searching for a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. As the saying goes... "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will interest no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will significantly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of example, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a great deal of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I just realized months later that, while it's good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the perfect people. Luckily I realized this before I had been the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile images and descriptions According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its work or social, we make our mind up about whether we like the person in less than one second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They don't get to hear you talk. They do not get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is 1 picture and there's a 99% chance it is the wrong one.

4. If one is approaching online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to check is the profile picture. I started this process in a very unscientific way... I went to every female friend I knew and asked her what she thought of my photos. One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test numerous pictures considering that I could only put one as the default. The response: testing across programs. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, along with the dreaded Tindr. I retained my profile description the same on each profile, but I put up another profile picture on each. I rotated the images across profiles until I could find a big enough sample size and make certain that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture that I did not read much into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100% of girls. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they answered,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found out this, because the two women in that photo are really good friends of mine, so I never would have made this connection. Sometimes your photos can be your biggest blind spot. To totally test this idea out, I really enrolled a few friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super easy optimization that can seem like a pain now, but it is going to save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches. This is the 20% of work which will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you want to speed up this process, you can really ask your games exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match was not going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photographs she believed was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I wasn't getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself" Now, part of the error might be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I started to speak my mind, dress how I wanted to dress, and act how I wished to act.

5. This turned out to be a horrible idea. With no filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I've come to realize that there's a difference between being your total self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our total selves except when we are by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signals to give to other people. A guy wearing a button up top, as an instance, isn't necessarily wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the signal that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she does not wish to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he is okay with subsequent convention. Signals matter. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we instantly hit off. We spent the entire party flirting and dancing. We made plans to have a lunch date in the college cafeteria after that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace round her neck. Initially I did not even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we began talking. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had almost nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a signal at the party did not match her personality at all. We ended the date cordially and proceeded on. Choosing your signals is good, but choosing false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You do not want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You want to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to tell them about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You need to tell them about how you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. Crafting a fantastic description is perhaps the toughest and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no ideal answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to having a great dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a dating profile description into 3 parts:

6. Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A bit longer description that gives some color to your interests and personality. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help another person by letting them know something you can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hey" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to begin the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf internet dating programs the way they surf social media sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to browse everything in a similar manner. Because of this, I think the headline is possibly the most important piece of your description and you need to try different variations until you find one that is right for you. After a lot of testing I found that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to give a fast snapshot of what's unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and brief acts like a stop sign for the individual who is scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any solid content marketer knows, terrific content is all about respecting the medium that you are creating the content for. By way of example, if I went up to a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, energetic," she will definitely get up and leave. The reverse is true for online dating, however. You want your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or a single sentence, and make certain that it is quintessentially you. After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit more. This isn't the time to write a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this individual, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph gives a little bit of colour and perhaps some talking points that you can talk about in conversation (again, ladies, this is extremely important to add if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outside as much as you can! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about businesses and new ideas. I'm into photography, layout, and Tim Ferriss. My perfect Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe" This paragraph outlines a couple of basic hobbies and activities I enjoy and some non-standard items like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity.

7. The most important thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic activities that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I enjoy hanging out with friends, watching movies, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm sure there are people on earth who don't like watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95 percent or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, attempt to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things which are uniquely you. For example in my description above: -- Many people like being outdoors and photography. -- But very few people like learning about businesses or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In dating, you basically want the person to message you. This sounds like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I've heard countless stories of women who have paired with a guy who they really enjoy, but the man never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to seem desperate. But, obviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have a single section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this advice, when in doubt just test it out. Try using a call to action and see whether your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The beauty of dating apps is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a pub for example, you have tens of thousands of opportunities and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making initial talking and contact The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" relationship is when it has to do with the conversation. Having to chat online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you are trying to begin a new relationship.

8. For one thing, it is a very unnatural method of communicating, since it's been shown that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communicating. It is logical then that if you take millions of people and set them in an unnatural communication environment you get some fairly unnatural conversations. While it may be fun to play around with weird conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a fantastic relationship through online relationship, then it's a good idea to study your results a little bit. This gave me the opportunity to start testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to determine if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a fantastic opener from a bad one. For bonus points, try to purchase them from most effective to least effective. A) "Hey! How's it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of the sort of question). How did you like X book?" (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to consider it for a second. (I will add some distance before the answer below. Scroll as soon as you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response

9. Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst response.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X novel," that clearly depends if they've put a book in their profile. You can alter this to ask about some other part of their profile, like a movie or a location in their pictures. The reason why I guess the book one works best though is because a) it shows you actually read their profile and b) it shows that you read. If I can use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x publication? I am currently reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is how I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I started with this opener felt a lot more natural and went past a few messages. The second best choice,"Hey! Works nearly as well, but it is obviously confined to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). An alternative version I tried on Thursdays or Fridays was,"Hey! Have any fun plans for the weekend?" This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it is because it sounds too much like I am about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think of something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you have made contact and the other person has responded, it is time to have a dialogue. Every conversation varies, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys: DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can't tell you the number of messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a regular conversation just like you would with a friend. DO attempt to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is they feel like they're being interviewed. Be sure that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her body or appearance. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You've got a cute smile! You are..." will only lead to a polite"thank you" and won't create meaningful conversation. Now, a couple of online dating suggestions for women:

10. DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I've tried to be nice and friendly, I've still received very curt or standoff-ish responses. No matter how much guys pretend that they don't care about the dialogue, they do. And they usually have no clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of discussions feeling like interviews, then make sure that you ask the guy about things he is interested in as well. DON'T make judgments too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to put a good deal more thought into their text messages than guys do. If a guy says something that looks weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he didn't either. Now a proposal for both parties: Try to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively fast. Online dating is a excellent tool to meet someone, but it is just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My general recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two short conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with one another on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about having a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get off them quickly. In real life is a lot more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will cause you to smile more and sweat less Once I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that procuring the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your residence. In which you have your date determines about 50--70% of the outcome of the date. But a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it's actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to dating so I was just following what I'd seen in movies. Most of them didn't go well, but I was not sure why. After a dozen or so awkward (and expensive) dates, I decided that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. It wasn't I was doing anything differently or that I had been picking better women to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this:

11. You meet a complete stranger outside a restaurant. You have an awkward hug. You sit down at a desk. You start speaking, then Additional info the waiter interrupts asking about beverages. You choose beverages. You continue to speaking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you've been talking. The waiter gives you"another moment." You examine the menu making remarks about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You talk and talk. You then run out of things to discuss. What should you do next? You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no options. It is a singular task that depends on you linking with a complete stranger almost instantly. This issue is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has enhanced our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in-house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at having in-person discussions, why would you bet your entire love life on the fact that you'll be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? 3 Rules for Creating Great Dates I never thought that relationship could be a life-or-death action, but one day changed all that. I had been holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet over the floor like a giant cat toy. "O well," I thought,"this will be a great bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I began falling for what felt like eternity. As it happens, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not grab the rope until I had fallen 15 feet to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Finally the rope eventually stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both physically and emotionally. "Okay this date might be a little too exciting," I thought. My entire dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most crucial elements to a wonderful date spot could be distilled into three categories: Walkability -- Do we have to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is changing so that you can pick up new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" (It is San Francisco after all). Activity -- Can we both do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a girl rock climbing? Make sure she is not afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a great time? Great! No chemistry? No problem, how do we end the date sooner?

12. With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This man took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates intriguing. This was simply a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting on my mind. So here is my ideal dating arrangement: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food tastes. Then (if you are a guy) you've got to account for cost of meals. Off the grid accomplishes this because there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. Feel like going all out? Date #2 -- Variable: This date could change based on interests but I had a couple of go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the shore. Why I like it: These actions had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, grab cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favorite pub, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we can alternate between activity and talking. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a woman had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, plus it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a woman did not like science and facts it probably would not work out between us anyway. As an added bonus, it was also a 20-min walk from my place, so that helped with the"scalability" of the night. Listen to each of the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and create a reasonably successful dating arrangement. Here are a few ideas on what to look for on each date as you attempt to create your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places don't make for good conversation. Be certain that you can reliably visit this area, so avoid places with long waits or where you need to make reservations. Ensure you can schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book a person's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you have both agreed to a second date, so have fun with this one! Select an activity you'll both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity that has a cadence where you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is great for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You both confirmed you enjoy each other, it's time to bring it to the next level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It needs to be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it ought to confirm whether you want to continue seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates one

13. and two, there may be a lull in date 3, so be sure whatever you select provides new intimacy to the connection. By way of example, if I didn't go to the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Obtaining your Timing Right maybe one of the most crucial pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see guys screw up again and again is time. Assuming the man is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? How long should you wait between date 1 and date 2? When should you go for the kiss? When should you sleep together? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most helpful. But again, depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The main thing is to actually consider timing, rather than leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline It is quite easy to let a great online conversation die out. You message her, she messages youback and forth, forth and back. To be able to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found that it was best to ask a girl to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of constant conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it's very easy to waste a lot of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 once I was 25, working as"the new guy" in a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales team. One thing that I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no good too. Okay how about the week then?" Regardless of what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" another meeting to the calendar with the option of cancelling if needed. Once I took this technique and applied it to relationship, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always ask for the next date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you're getting plenty of uncertainty. No one likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder whether you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals do not mind if you don't like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and on your own. If you like them, tell them you like them.

14. If you don't, have the respect to let them know you do not. (A gentle means to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a woman tell me and it was the easiest let down I've ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not constantly. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get really excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to constantly text them, call them, and watch them day after day after day. He explained,"Girls are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the more they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you find someone who you want to be with really poorly, do not frighten them away by being fanatical. If they like you as well, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously try to set up a date, but there's no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Allow the relationship to get some breathing room. A fantastic way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you find yourself missing the other person and vice versa. There is a lot of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there is even scientific evidence for it as well. In several studies, anthropologists have discovered that lots of primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that connection have been forced apart. What's interesting is that researchers in the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that humans will also invest more effort into relationships if there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked very well. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the relationship strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship that I found worked fairly well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I would spread out the first 3 dates across a one month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the connection to grow and helped me make sure I didn't suffocate my dates, which was particularly helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but depending on your context, your culture, and your comfort, your process might have to be different than the one above. In actuality, because relationship is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it's imperative to have a system in

15. place to assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you have been on a few less intense rides will allow you to enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we often discuss on the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just make your goal just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world wide investors, you want to diversify your portfolio and minimize your chance of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which aren't only sit-down dinners, so that no matter how your dating partner behaves, at least you will have a fantastic time doing something interesting. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and dating sequence so you decrease the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you like doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a great way to filter out people that aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long term. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all of the above items, I still had my share of terrible dates. The woman who used me as a meal program being just one of many. Dating is a rollercoaster that will frighten you, challenge you, and sometimes make you wish you had never gotten on. But bear in mind, when you're feeling down and enjoy giving up on love altogether: "You're never as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on your own, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I'd super appreciate if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more folks can discover it. And, if you've any more questions about relationship, listen to our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.