In the Red Zone

1. In the Red Zone Teaching Children Responsibility

2. Tonight’s Objectives • Recognize parent and child responsibilities • Provide children with responsibilities that match their age and ability • Become aware of the influences on children’s decision-making processes • Develop skills for encouraging responsible decision making in our children • Help children experience their own personal power by allowing them choices

3. What does RESPONSIBILITY mean when we relate it to our children? “the ability to respond; to respond to the needs of one’s self, the needs of others, and the needs of society” Accountability, to self and others Being capable of making moral and rational decisions on one’s own Using good judgment and sound thinking

4. 40 Year Harvard University Study Findings showed that regardless of intelligence, family income, ethnic background, or education those children who grew up experiencing responsibility enjoyed happier and more productive lives.

5. The Over-responding or Over-Functioning Parent Parent Behaviors • Anxious over child’s performance • Overprotective • Does for the child • Directs, intrudes • Rescues child from consequences • Reminds, preaches, nags • Intolerant of change • Thinks for the child Predictions for Child • Low self-esteem • Feels powerless • Sees self as incapable • Engages in power struggles • Expects others to do for him • Blames • Procrastinates • Makes excuses • Manipulative • Little understanding of the relationship between effort and reward • Angry

6. The Rigid or Overly Intrusive Parent Parent Behavior Predictions for Child Low self-esteem Feels inadequate Experiences repeated failures Fears rejection Has power struggles Experiences shame about mistakes Angry • Highly anxious • Has rigid concept of how to perform a task • Very high expectations • Afraid to take risks, phobic • Controlling • Conditional love • Uses shame and guilt as tools • Thinks for the child

7. Parent Who Sees Child as Capable and Responsible Parent Behaviors Predictions for Child Develops a sense of personal power High self-esteem View self as competent Trust in own ability to rebound from failures Capable decision maker Accepts responsibility for own actions Understands cause/effect • Models responsible behavior • Is in control of own life • Provides appropriate responsibilities for the child • Trust in and enjoys process of growth • Allows for mistakes • Models and assists in tasks for the child at initial stage • Does not do for the child when child can do for self • Allows child to experience consequences of choices and behaviors

8. Begin Early Toddlers can begin to assume simple tasks and decisions that relate to self and others

9. Developmental Levels of Responsibility

10. The most formative time for development of responsible behavior is during the preschool and elementary years. After age 12, it can be developed, but it is a difficult struggle for both child and parent.

11. You Just Won $1,000,000in the Lottery! You have just 10 seconds to write on the back how you will spend it! Go!

12. If you had been given adequate time to think through your decisions, would your choices be different? What would influence your decisions?

13. What Influences Children’s Decision Making?

14. Influences of Children’s Decision-Making • Early Childhood • Family • Pleasing • Wants • Limited Communication • Emotions • Impulsiveness • Dependency vs. Independence • Temperament • Middle Childhood • Family • Teachers • Friends • Self-Esteem • Being Accepted • Competition • Independence • Impulsiveness • Temperament • Emotions • Media • Role Models • Adolescence • Friends • Family • School • Self-Esteem • Being Accepted • Emotions • Impulsiveness • Independence • Temperament • Future Goals • Romantic Tendencies • Competition • Media • Role Models

15. Your Language Makes a Difference Helping Children Make Healthy Choices Exercise

16. Restate each sentence to encourage your child to make his/her own decision. • You need to call Sarah and apologize. • You know you shouldn’t have done that. • You need to study harder and get that grade up. • Here, let me show you how to do it. • If you had listened to me, you wouldn’t be in this mess.

17. Understand the long term goals of responsibility • Not just a tidy room • Not just feeding the hamster • Understand cause/effect • Become independent • Become competent and cooperative • Set and attain personal goals

18. Hints for Success • Have consistent expectations • Always follow-through • Use good teamwork between care-givers • Set boundaries for yourself • Don’t invade the child’s boundaries

19. Provide time limits • Children function better when given time boundaries • Be attuned to outside expectations such as school assignments and outside activities • Remember that children need time just to be children

20. Responsibility is Learned by Experience • Give opportunities for practicing responsibility and decision-making • Give appropriate feedback • Learn from mistakes – • Have information about appropriate alternatives • Have acceptance from others • Be allowed to experience consequences of actions and decisions

21. Allowances for Children • Why give an allowance? • Should an allowance be tied directly to chores? • At what age should allowances begin? • How much is appropriate? • What restrictions should parents place on allowances?

22. Group Discussion Points • How fairly are privileges divided up in your family? Who seems to have the most? Why? • How fairly are responsibilities divided? • Are there responsibilities you feel are too great for a child to have? • Would you give up a privilege for less responsibility? What is it? Who would take over that responsibility? • For what privilege would you be willing to take on more responsibility?

23. Benefits to Child Who Develops Responsibility • Feeling of contribution to family and others • Feeling of importance • Feeling of competence • Feeling of independence • Feeling of self-worth • Trust in self

24. Responsibility does not come with maturity Responsibility is the cause of maturity