CODEPENDENCY

1. CODEPENDENCY Mary Ann S. Batallones Life Management Foundation Inc. October 27, 2003

2. What is Codependency? • Originally, codependency was used to describe a person whose life was affected by a result of being involved with someone who was chemically dependent. • Codependency is used to describe a kind of addiction – a relationship addiction. A person is a codependent when he/she exhibits caring for a loved one who is suffering from real addiction to drugs or alcohol. • It is the disease that friends and family of alcoholics and addicts get, trying to deal with a loved one’s unmanageable behavior and the addict’s use of anxiety and anger, which they provoke to gain control out of their powerlessness.

3. Today, there are many other definitions of codependency. Codependency is…….

4. ..Letting another person's behavior affect him or her, and being obsessed with controlling that person's behavior • ..An addiction to people, behaviors, or things. Codependency is the belief of trying to control interior feelings by controlling people, things, and events on the outside. • ..Condition when your love tanks are running on empty

5. ..A pattern of painful dependency on compulsive behaviors and on approval from others in an attempt to find safety, self-worth, and identity • ..An unhealthy way of coping with life that is ultimately destructive. It is focusing on people, places and things to avoid the reality of circumstances that are too painful to face.

6. ..A set of maladaptive (inability for a person to develop behaviors which gets needs met), compulsive (psychological state where a person acts against their own will or conscious desires in which to behave) behaviors learned by family members in order to survive in a family which is experiencing great emotional pain and stress (chemical dependency, chronic mental illness, chronic physical illness, physical abuse, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, divorce, hypercritical or non-loving environment)

7. ..A system of co-dependency refers to a system of negative behaviors an individual has learned or adopted in order to function in difficult or painful interpersonal situations.

8. Codependent personality disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to fix others and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts.

9. “Codependency’s anything and everyone is a codependent”

10. How do I know if I am codependent?

11. Warning Signs/Behavior Patterns/Symptoms • You are feeling unfulfilled consistently in relationships • You tend to be indirect • You don’t assert yourself when you have a need • You don’t play as much as others • Others say you are too playful

12. Justifying and rationalizing another person's inappropriate behaviors, rather than appropriately confronting the person about those behaviors • Excessive loyalty, whatever the cost, with no reciprocation • Caring for others to the extent that personal needs are not met • Taking responsibility for another inappropriately

13. Inability to ask for help • Belief that they are responsible for feelings, behaviors, or problems of others • Difficulty in identifying and expressing feelings • Have difficulty forming and/or maintaining intimate relationships • Pleasing people to offset a fear of rejection

14. Allowing others to dictate their behavior, beliefs, or feelings • Basing their self-esteem on what other people say or do • Controlling behavior • Distrust • Perfectionism • Avoidance of feelings • Intimacy problems • Caretaking behavior

15. Hyper vigilance (a heightened awareness of potential threat/danger) • Physical illness related to stress • Do you feel responsible for other people’s problems? • Do you feel guilt or anger when your help isn’t effective? • Do you find yourself saying yes when you mean no, and doing things you really don’t want to do?

16. Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings? • Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you? • Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others? • Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

17. Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with? • Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems? • Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

18. Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you? • Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either? • Inability to know what normal is • Difficulty in following a project through

19. Difficulty having fun • Judging self, others without mercy • Low self-esteem • Codependents often use language like “you make me feel__________”, or “I was made to feel like________”

20. Overacting to change/intense fear/inability to deal with change • Inability to see alternatives to situations thus responding impulsively • Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self • Feelings of being different • Confusion and a sense of inadequacy

21. Being either super responsible or super irresponsible (or alternating) • Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices • Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt and shame which are denied • Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures

22. Fear or anger • Hypersensitivity to criticism • Being addicted to excitement or drama • Dependency upon others and fear or abandonment • Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears

23. Confusion between love and pity • Tendency to look for victims to help • Rigidity and need to control • Lies when its easy to tell the truth

24. Characteristics of Codependency • My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you • My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you • Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain • My mental attention is focused on you

25. My mental attention is focused on protecting you • My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way • My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems • My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain

26. My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests • Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me • Your behavior is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me

27. I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel. • I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume • The dreams I have for my future are linked to you • My fear of rejection determines what I say or do

28. My fear of your anger determines what I say or do • I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship • My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you

29. I put my values aside in order to connect with you • I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own • The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

30. Causes of Codependency We become codependent by living in systems (families) with rules that hinder development and growth. The system which usually consists of parents and relatives has been developed in response to some problem such as alcoholism, mental illness or some other problem.

31. Unmet emotional needs – our love tank has not been filled up

32. Lost childhood – children lose their childhood through abuse – active abuse like incest, physical abuse, excessive anger, parent who is pre-occupied and has is unavailable to a child emotionally, child who is not praised, lack of touching and hugging, parents not at peace, demanding parents, parents depending too much on their children, rigid parents

33. Compulsion to fix the dysfunctional family – powerful need to fix what is wrong, belief that he is responsible for the dysfunctional family so he must suffer

34. General rules set up within families that may cause codependency may include: • It’s not okay to talk about problems • Feelings should not be expressed openly; keep feelings to yourself • Communication is best if indirect; one person acts as messenger between two others; known in therapy as triangulation

35. Be strong, good, right, perfect • Make us proud beyond realistic expectations • Don’t be selfish • Do as I say not as I do • It’s not okay to play or be playful • Don’t rock the boat.

36. Effects of Codependency • Emotional problems – depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, hyperactivity, lethargy • Physical problems – gastro intestinal disturbances, ulcers, migraine headaches, non specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illness

37. Cure for Codependency • Self-help groups - Twelve Step Program for Codependents • Individual therapy/counseling – can teach assertiveness, listening and communication. It can help you become more aware of non-helpful actions/behaviors and work with you on developing new and healthier coping skills • Group therapy • Professional treatment

38. Self care – some steps • Detachment – separating themselves from unhealthy relationships with others in order to work on their own recovery • Removing the victim image – acknowledging that they have the power to create positive change • Independence – trusting himself and realize that he can care for himself without help from others

39. Living your own life – begin to focus on himself and their goals instead of focusing exclusively on others • Accepting reality – acknowledging and accepting the problems in his life in order to begin solving them

40. Experiencing feelings – getting in touch with emotions and accepting them both negative and positive • Setting goals – accomplishing goals and create self –fulfillment • Working a 12-Step Program – structure and support from a self help group

41. Thank you! Keep coming back. It works if you work it.