Leading with Courage Dealing with Conflict, Bullies, and Difficult Conversations

1. Leading with Courage Dealing with Conflict, Bullies, and Difficult Conversations

2. Housekeeping Roster routed at end of workshop Break Restrooms Cell phones, pagers, text messaging Evaluation sent to e-mail address Workshop counts toward Supervisory Challenge certification Do not need to do anything to get credit; it will be given automatically based on roster in the training room

3. Today’s Focus • Define courage in the context of leadership • Identify three essential acts of courageous leadership • Discuss how to leverage courage to address: • Conflict and difficult conversations • “Bullies”

5. What Is Courage? And Why Do Leaders Need It?

6. Courage Is a State of Mind • Ancient philosophers understood the importance of courage • Capacity to face danger without being overcome by fear • To persist under highly adverse circumstances • Not fearless—instead able to control fear • Also not “guts” as we might think of it—also not something that you did without thinking—but a choice in the face of adversity

7. Courage Is a State of Mind • Courage is acting on what is right, despite being afraid or uncomfortable, when facing situations involving pain, risk, uncertainty, opportunity, or intimidation Courageous Leadership by Bill Treasurer

8. What About You? • We all have courage • Doesn’t need to be heroic—just ordinary, everyday kinds of courage • Taking a stand on an important issue • Speaking in public when stage fright is so bad it makes us tremble • Taking an initiative beyond previous experience levels or our comfort zone • Addressing conflict, talking to angry people, giving difficult performance feedback

9. Courage Is a State of Mind • Courage grows out of a clarity of purpose • Who we are • What price am I willing to pay to be that? • What we stand for and what we value • What personal or professional values are important for me to uphold? • What we’re prepared to do • How will the action benefit you or others? • Leadership is courage in action Ready, Begin! Practical Strategies for Cultivating Courage by Lawrence Kryske

10. Working With a Partner: Courage in Your Workplace • Where is courage needed, but often avoided, in your office? • What are the reasons why people avoid exercising their courage? • What does courage look like when it is demonstrated in your workplace?

11. Three Acts of Courageous Leadership

12. What Is Your Reaction? • It takes leadership courage to: • Respecting all persons • Encouraging and supporting others • Challenging wrongs Courage: The Backbone of Leadership by Gus Lee

13. Three Acts of Courageous Leaders • Respecting others • Doesn’t mean that everyone receives equal rewards and recognition • It does mean that everyone receives attention, regard, the benefit of being heard • Listening is the key behavior • Why is this an act of courage? What’s the risk?

14. Three Acts of Courageous Leaders • Encouraging and supporting others • Given for progress and true effort • Also focuses on potential, abilities, and skills development • Why is this an act of courage? What’s the risk?

15. Trust Courage • Both respect and encouragement involve Trust • Why does it take courage to trust others? • Trust courage involves resisting the temptation to control others • Requires that we step back and allow others to “do” • Critical for • Building strong bonds between people • Allowing/helping people to grow and develop so they can take action independently Courageous Leadership by Bill Treasurer

16. Trust Courage • Leaders who have the courage to trust: • Release control—they delegate without hovering over the person • Follow the lead of others—they let a direct report facilitate a meeting, for example • Presume positive intentions—giving others the benefit of the doubt • Support “first attempts” • What else do they do?

17. Three Acts of Courageous Leaders • Challenging wrongs Requires that we: • Distinguish right from wrong • How should people behave in your work environment? What should they be doing? • Act for what is right regardless of risk • Stop wrongs in ourselves and challenge wrongs in others • Model the way • Follow through so wrongs are not repeated

18. Tell Courage • Challenging wrongs requires the courage to “tell” • Tell courage means we: • Speak up and assert ourselves when we feel strongly about an issue • Use constructive confrontation, such as providing difficult feedback to a peer, direct report, or boss • Tell the truth, regardless of where the person to whom you are telling the truth resides in the organizational hierarchy • Admit mistakes and say “I’m sorry”

19. Let’s Discuss … • What happens when a leader has the courage to challenge wrongs but is not respectful of others? • What is the impact of a leader who challenges but is not encouraging or supportive? • What happens when a leader is respectful and also is encouraging and supportive but does not challenge wrongs?

20. Dealing with Conflict or a Difficult Conversation

21. We Get What We Tolerate • Sometimes, as leaders, we have to have difficult conversations or address conflict • People do not repeat behavior unless it’s rewarded • They also do not spontaneously recover from incompetence • In the end, we get what we tolerate Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott

22. As a Leader … • It’s in everyone’s best interest for you to address situations quickly and directly • I want to talk to you about … • I noticed …. • The impact is …. • I’d like you to … OR • Why is this happening? • Power of Feedback, Coaching for Success, Surviving the Challenge of the Problem Employee

23. As a Leader … • Sometimes situations, though, warrant more thought and preparation – and more courage • Why does it take courage to handle difficult conversations with professionalism? • Rather than ignoring the situation—hoping it will go away—or “flying off the handle because I’m mad and the boss”

24. Preparation Is Key • Identify your most pressing issue • The issue I need to resolve is … • Clarify the issue • What is going on? • How long has it been going on? • How bad are things? Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott

25. Preparation Is Key • Determine current impact • How is this issue currently impacting me? • How is it currently impacting others? • When I consider this impact (on me and others) what is my emotional response? • Determine future impact • If nothing changes, what will likely happen? • What’s at stake for me? For others?

26. Preparation Is Key • Examine your personal contribution to the issue • How have I contributed to the problem? • Describe the ideal outcome • When this issue is resolved, what difference will that make? • What results will I enjoy? What results will others enjoy? • When I imagine this resolution, what are my emotions?

27. Preparation Is Key • Commit to action • What is the most important step I could take to move this issue toward resolution? • What’s going to attempt to get in my way and how will I get past it? • When will I take this step? • Contract with yourself • Write down the action and when you’re going to do it • Script your opening comments

28. Avoid Errors • Error 1 – How’s it going? • Can imply hidden agenda, seem dishonest • Error 2 – Sandwich or Oreo cookie • Can create paranoia in the face of compliments—you did a good job, but … • Error 3 – Too many pillows • The message can get lost • Error 4 – Over-scripting • Error 5 – Machine gun

29. Have the Conversation In under 5 minutes: • Name the issue • Jack, I want to talk to you about the effect your behavior is having on the team • Select a specific example that illustrates the behavior or situation you want to change • Example should be succinct—no long stories

30. Have the Conversation • Describe your emotions about the issue • “I’m concerned,” “I’m frustrated” • Clarify what’s at stake • Why is this important? • Identify your contribution to the problem • No long confession, but “I’ve contributed to this problem by … not addressing it when the behavior first occurred.”

31. Have the Conversation • Indicate your wish to resolve the issue • This is what I want to resolve (use the word) • Invite the person to respond • “I want to understand what is happening from your perspective. Please talk to me about …”

32. Have the Conversation • Inquire about his or her views • “Please say more about this. I see it quite differently, so I’d like to understand your point of view.” • Come to an agreement • What have we learned? • What needs to happen now? • How will you check-in with each other about the issue moving forward?

33. Strong Emotional Response? • If you’re not in danger, go straight to the emotion • Don‘t get hooked, one-up him or her, patronize, or tell the person to calm down • Instead: • Ask—Why does this make you so angry? • Mirror—You seem really upset about this. • Guess—Are you upset because you feel as if I’m treating you unfairly? • It’s okay to take a break first—go to your office, take a breath, and talk later when everyone’s calmer

34. Case Study

35. Bullying

36. Bullies • What’s the difference between incivility and rude behavior vs. bullying behavior?

37. “Bullying” Defined • Repeated mistreatment against a target individual manifested as either verbal abuse; conduct that is threatening, humiliating, intimidating; or sabotage that interferes with the work, or a combination of the three” Stop Bullying at Work by Teresa Daniel

38. Typical Negative Acts of the Bully • Verbal abuse (shouting, swearing, name-calling) • Behaviors/actions in public or private that are threatening, humiliating, hostile, cruel • Abuse of authority • Interference with work performance • Destruction of workplace relationships 2007 U.S. Workplace Bullying Survey

39. Research Suggests …. • Majority of mistreatment is overt, occurring openly in front of others • Typically, there is wide awareness about the bullying • Mistreatment is psychological, rather than physical • Some gender differences • Bullies: 60 percent male/40 percent female • When the bully is female, 71 percent of targets are women • When the bully is male, 53 percent of targets are male • Males are more likely to bully in the open than females • 73 percent are in supervisory positions

40. Bullying as a Process • Bullying tends to escalate over time—moving from less to more severe behavior • There is some evidence that we, as leaders, often misjudge the situation and further align against the target • “Executive sponsors” can exist where an individual who is more senior than the bully protects the bully from being disciplined

41. What Does This Suggest for Us? • As leaders, addressing inappropriate or rude behavior or general incivility when we first observe it can often stop a pattern of bullying from emerging • Priority: Focus on creating a broad culture of respect and civility, regardless of position • Modeling what’s expected • Immediately addressing behavior when it occurs (privately, but directly) • Clear expectations and consequences • Contact Employee Relations/HR for assistance

42. Faculty Incivility • There is a difference between academic freedom and tolerating incivility Faculty Incivility: The Rise of the Academic Bully Culture and What to Do About It by Darla Twale and Barbara De Luca

43. If You Think You’re Being Bullied • Firmly tell the person that his or her behavior is not acceptable and ask him or her to stop • Keep a factual journal of daily events • Date, time and what happened (detail!) • Names of witnesses • Outcome of the event • Frequency, any patterns

44. If You Think You’re Being Bullied • Keep copies of any memos, e-mails, faxes, etc., received from the person • Report it to your manager—ask for help • Employee Relations (392-1072) and the Employee Assistance Program (392-5787) also are good resources • Do not retaliate • You may end up looking like the perpetrator • "Violence in the Workplace Prevention Guide,” CCOHS, 2001

45. We Call Upon Courage When • Our lives present some significant challenge • We feel fear when facing it • It requires personal initiative to overcome the fear or challenge • Something personally meaningful is at stake • We might even suffer loss in the process of addressing the challenge • But it’s important to us—so we do or say something A Leader’s Legacy by Jim Kouzes and Barry Posner

46. Today’s Focus • Defined courage in the context of leadership • Identified three essential acts of courageous leadership • Discussed how to leverage courage to address: • Conflict and difficult conversations • “Bullies”

47. For Continuing Development Visit our UF Leadership Development Toolkit: • Podcasts • Job Aids • Reading Recommendations These tools are designed to provide ongoing support for your leadership development when and where you really need them! http://www.hr.ufl.edu/training/leadership/default.asp

48. Leading with Courage Dealing with Conflict, Bullies, and Difficult Conversations