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Marjorie Shore M.S.W. The Coaching Clinic [email protected] 416-787-5555 I’m Listening. Learning Objectives. Enhance leadership ability Review coaching skills Key skills: Coaching relationship Process Communication

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Marjorie Shore M.S.W.

The Coaching Clinic

[email protected]


I’m Listening

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Learning Objectives

  • Enhance leadership ability

  • Review coaching skills

  • Key skills:

    • Coaching relationship

    • Process

    • Communication

    • Listen in order to script motivating messages

    • Giving and getting feedback

    • Participative and empathetic listening

    • Ask the right question with a positive and motivating script

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Aim is positive change

Setting direction

Aligning people to vision



Leading vs. Managing

  • Managing

  • Aim is predictable, orderly results

    • Organizing

    • Staffing

    • Planning

    • Budgeting

    • Solving problems

Managers are responsible for implementing a plan.

Leaders grow the dream and enroll people to help achieve it.

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Focus on your Goals

  • If we were meeting here three years from today and all was going very well in your coaching role, how would you describe your vision of you as a coach?

  • Describe what you see as if through the lens of a camera.

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Definitions: Coaching, Counseling, Mentoring, & Training

  • Coaching focuses on improving skills.

    • Can address issues of know how, know when, know why, motivation, time, distraction, priorities, support.

  • Counseling is coaching that focuses on peace

    of mind.

  • Mentoring is coaching about career and relationships with people and the organization.

  • Training is skill building from the ground up.

    “Coaching is cultivation, like gardening” Peter Senge

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Coaching Process – One Model

  • Prepare in Advance

  • Agree on Goals

  • Be a Map Maker

  • Coach

  • Review and Decide Next Steps

  • Dissolve Contract

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Five Ways to Communicate Better

  • Consider compromise.

  • Another person's view of reality may be as real as your own.

  • Never assume that you know what the other person is thinking, or what they have done.

  • Check out your assumptions.

    • Ask questions.

    • Do not correct another's statement of his/her feelings.

  • Be specific when you introduce a comment.

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Five More Ways to Communicate Better

6. Ask for a reasonable change.

7. Try substituting "and" for "but".

  • "But" tends to negate anything that went


  • "And" includes both sides of the statement.

    8. Ensure that your body language is congruent with

    your message.

    9. When receiving constructive feedback, consider it

    carefully and with a balanced approach.

    10. Remember that others’ opinions of you are not always true.

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Listening Skills

  • Be physically attentive to be charismatic.

    • Don’t do anything else; just listen.

    • Make eye contact; smile.

    • Use vocal acknowledgment:

      • Words like “Yes, go on.”

      • Be curious.

    • Don’t judge; prepare a response or analyze.

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Listening Skills

  • Participate to acknowledge you’ve heard.

    • Clarify; ensure you have the same understanding

      of words and concepts.

    • Paraphrase; ask if they agree with your understanding.

      e.g., “If I understand you correctly . . . ” or

      “It sounds like . . .”

    • Confirm that you are both agree on the same definition

      of the problem.

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Role Models

  • Active listening appears to be a hidden ingredient of success in the workplace.

  • Think about a few successful people you have known.

  • When and how do they demonstrate active listening?

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Being Present

  • Emotions distract people in the workplace.

  • To work, to learn, and to create community,

    we must be present.

  • Being present means being aware and in control of your emotions.

  • Listen to your inner thoughts and uncover if there are any that are distracting you now.

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Being Present

  • Close your eyes.

  • Create an image that represents distraction.

  • Give it color, shape and texture.

  • Change it to something that would help you be present today.

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Empathic Listening

  • Listen for feelings and undertones.

    • Let the person speak.

    • Look for clues in body language.

    • Check for meaning whenever you don't understand.

    • Ask clarifying questions (sparingly) to help ensure shared understanding.

    • Be patient.

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Talk to your Partner

  • When you are the talker . . . TALK.

  • When you are the listener . . . LISTEN.


    • No talking

    • No opinions

    • No solutions

    • No judgments

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Questions for a Cosmic Date

  • Who loves you and how do you know?

  • What do you do for fun?

  • What gives you a sense of worth?

  • Tell me about a change?

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Listening to Others Exercise Self-Evaluation

  • How did it feel being the speaker?

  • How did it feel being the listener?

  • Which was easier for you?

  • Why?

  • What is the most useful or important thing you have learned about listening?

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Giving and Getting Feedback Exercise

  • What are the advantages of asking for feedback?

  • What reasons prevent us from asking for feedback?

  • What are the risks in giving criticism or negative feedback?

  • What can go wrong when feedback or criticism is avoided?

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Giving and Getting Feedback

  • Feedback is useful.

    • Opens opportunities to improve;

  • Constructive feedback:

    • Offers options;

    • Improves self-awareness;

    • Encourages learning.

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The Feedback Dilemma

  • Personal improvement depends on discovering and correcting mistakes.

    • Either by seeing the error or understanding what went wrong.

  • But we …

    • Ignore evidence when it causes trouble, pain or requires action.

    • Avoid the potential pain of “feeding back” to others.

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Tips for Asking for Feedback

  • Who?: Invite feedback from people you trust

    and respect.

  • What?: Ask for constructive feedback or

    more details.

  • When?: Soon and when a considered and

    constructive response is possible.

  • How?: Direct action will usually get respect.

  • Why?: Opens up honesty, gets new ideas, gets a new perspective, improves relationships.

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Tips for Receiving Feedback

  • Listen to what is being said; not what you think is implied.

  • Acknowledge that you have heard and understood.

  • Evaluate the feedback: valid?, invalid? or a put-down?

    • Deal with put-downs right away.

    • Accept valid criticisms graciously.

    • Deal with invalid criticisms directly.

  • Parse: acknowledge what you agree with; separate and deal with what you don’t agree with.

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Tips for Giving Feedback

  • Set up rapport: Don’t burst; warm up first.

  • Positive with negative: Most people will respond better to a combination with positive first.

  • Be specific: Comment on observable behavior with examples to provide learning and options.

  • Empathize: See it from their point of view.

  • Keep calm: Use a steady and even voice, eye contact, body language consistent with the message.

  • Allow the other person space: Give the feedback. Don’t take responsibility for acceptance.

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Tips for Giving Feedback

  • Take ownership of the feedback: Say “I think” not “you are”.

  • Criticize behavior not the person: Identify the behavior cleanly apart from the person.

  • Avoid (stereotype) comparisons.

  • Be aware that you are responsible for the decision to give or hold back feedback; you don’t control what they do with the feedback.

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Feedback Exercise Self-Evaluation

  • How did it feel criticizing another person?

  • Was easier to give or get feedback?

  • Why do you find it hard to give or get feedback?

  • What is the most useful or important thing you have learned about handling feedback?

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Asking the Right Questions

  • Thoughtful questions elicit better information.

  • Try asking ...

    • Direct questions to gather facts: who?, what?, why?, when?, where? . . .

    • Open-ended questions to help people express goals, values, qualifications and feelings.

      • Hint: Open-ended questions cannot be answered

        with a yes or no.

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Open-ended – what?, how? questions

What do you want to do?

How did you arrive at . . . ?

What do you think might happen if . . . ?

What would that look like to you . . . ?

What concerns you

about . . . ?

What were you hoping for?

Good Questions for Coaches

  • Broadening Questions

  • What do you see?

  • Do you see . . . ?

  • Say more about that . . . ?

  • What happened when . . . ?

  • Could you tell me more about . . . ?

  • Explaining questions

  • What makes that upsetting?

  • How did you decideto . . . ?

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Clarifying questions

Can you give me examples of . . . ?

What does . . . look like to you?

What exactly do you mean?

When you say . . . what were you referring to?

Good Questions for Coaches

  • Exploring questions

  • What did you think when . . . ?

  • What concerns you about that?

  • What were you expecting?

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Generational Differences in Motivators

  • Motivators tend to be generation based.

  • What do we know about motivating the different generations?

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Where the Generations Clash:Motivation


Veterans Satisfaction of job well done

Boomers Money, Title, Corner office

Generation X Freedom, Security

Nexus Work that has meaning for them

Source: When Generations Collide, Lancaster and Stillman

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To understand adults, examine their childhoods (when they were ten):

  • Shared significant experiences

  • Parenting styles

  • Key messages

  • Cultural norms and behaviours

  • Trends and fads

  • Social values, structures

  • Roles and responsibilities

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Nexus/Boomers in Context were ten):


  • In person preferred

  • Process as well as product

  • The personal is private

  • You can control your future

  • Work comes first

  • Money speaks

  • Managed by team leader

  • Focused

  • Clarity of message is critical

  • Options shrinking


  • Remote and wireless

  • Instant everything

  • The personal is public

  • Nothing is certain but uncertainty

  • Life is for living

  • Time is money/currency

  • Self - Managed

  • Multi-tasking in multi- channel

  • Multi-message, multi-media world

  • Possibilities opening up

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Employee were ten):Characteristics


  • Global travelers, mobile

  • Looking for fast feedback, recognition and rewards

  • Want balance as they define it

  • Satisfaction is key

  • Multi-taskers extraordinaire

  • Continuous change energizes

  • Compensation public


  • Global travelers, mobile

  • Feedback if necessary

  • Balance if possible

  • Success is key

  • Multi-task if required

  • Continuous change exhausts

  • Compensation very private

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Communicating Across Generations were ten):


  • Encouragement

    • Everyone teaches

    • Share practices and information; not rules

  • Engagement

    • Inspire them to identify problems and solve them

  • Challenge & Choice

    • Expose them to possibilities

    • Give choices

      Source : Rainmaker Thinking, Tulgan


  • Encouragement

    • Leaders Lead

    • Clear rules and consequences

  • Engagement

    • Inspire them to follow directions

  • Challenge & Choice

    • Offer options

    • Give direction

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Push Coaching were ten):

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How I Will Put This Learning were ten):into Practice

  • New learning needs practice.

  • How will you use the learning today in your work every day?