Fundamentals of Marriage in Islam By

1. Fundamentals of Marriage in Islam By Tajudeen Adebayo

2. Outlines • Marriage in the context of Islam • Advantages of marriage • How to choose a spouse • courtship – premarital relationship • Role of parents / guardian in choosing a Spouse • Aqdun nikkah – marriage contract • Walimah nikkah- Marriage banquet • Prohibited degree of marriage • Polygamy • Towards a blissful marriage- Roles and duties of the couple • managing marital disputes • Divorce.

3. What is marriage? • Marriage (Nikah) is a solemn and sacred social contract between a bride and the groom. • Marriage is a strong bond (mithaqun Ghaleez), a challenging commitment to life itself, to the society, and to the dignified, meaningful survival of human race. • It is the commitment that married partners make to each other and to Allah (S.W.A). The noble Qur’an says: • ومن ءاياته أن خلق لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا لتسكنوا إليها وجعل بينكم مودة ورحمة إن فى ذلك لآيات لقوم يتفكرون. الروم • “And among his signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may dwell (live) in tranquility with them and He has put love and mercy between your hearts. Certainly, in these are signs for those who reflect. (Q30:21). See also (16:72). • The Prophet SAW said: “O you young men, whoever is able to support a wife should get married, for that will help him to lower his gaze and guard his modesty. (Bukhari).

4. Advantages of Marriage • Preservation of faith:The Messenger of Allah said: • عن أنس عن رسول الله صلعم: من تزوّج فقد اسنكمل نصف الإيمان فليتق الله فى النصف الباقي. • “When a person marries, He has (by that) completed half of his faith. Let him fear Allah in regard to the remaining half.”(At-Tabarani). • Preserving humankind:The Qur’an Surah Nahl vs 72 • والله جعل لكم من أنفسكم أزواجا وجعل لكم من أزواجكم بنين وحفدة ورزقكم من الطيبات... • “Allah has given you spouses from yourselves and has given you from your spouses, children and grandchildren, and has provided you with good things for your sustenance”. • Marriage is also an important means of protecting the society from destructive diseases such as AIDS, gonorrhea, syphilis etc.

5. Further advantages • Preservation of chastity: Men have natural desire for women and vice versa. Satan takes advantage of that to entice men and move their lusts Jabir reported that Allah’s messenger (SAW) said: • إنّ المرءة تقبل فى صورة شيطان وتدبر فى صورة شيطان فإذا أبصر أحدكم من المرءة ما يسرّه فليأت أهله فإن ما عندها ما عندها. “A woman approaches in the tempting form of a devil, and moves away in the tempting form of a devil. When any of you finds in a woman something that attracts him, he should go to his wife, because she has the same as the other woman has, and that satisfies his desire (in a lawful way). (Muslim & Abu Daud). • Lawful fulfillment of desire as a way of increasing good deeds:Human being’s desire could be satisfied either lawfully or unlawfully. The unlawful way of satisfying man’s lust has destructive effects on the individual and societies while its lawful satisfaction is rewarding. The Qur’an Surah Al-Baqarah says:نساؤكم حرث لكم فأتوا حرثكم أنى شئتم.

6. Choosing a spouse • Du'a.  Esp. Salat al-Istikhara - prayer for guidance. • Deen/Righteousness: the first and foremost vital quality for a wife is righteousness. Abu Hurairah relates that the Messenger of Allah said: • تنكح المرأة لأربع, لمالها ولحسبها, ولجمالها ولدينها فاظفر بذات الدين تربت يداك. • “A woman is sought in marriage for four reasons: wealth, social status, beauty and Din. So seek the one with din – may you then be successful. (Bukhari and Muslim). • Good character: A man should seek a wife who is known to be of good character or who has been raised in a good atmosphere. There are so many unique qualities in the Messenger of Allah, but Allah chooses to describe him with good character. • وإنك لعلى خلق عظيم. القلم • “And verily you (O Muhammad) are on an exalted (standard of) character”. (Surah Al-Qalam vs 4)

7. Virginity • Jabir bn Abdullah reported that when his father died, he left behind nine girls that Jabir had to look after. Soon after, Jabir married a non-virgin and when the Prophet met with him, he asked: “have you married, O Jabir? He replied: “Yes” He asked him: “Is she a virgin or non-virgin? He replied: “Non-virgin” He then said: “Shouldn’t you have considered a virgin who plays with you and you with her, she laughs with you and you with her …” Why the emphasis on virginity? • Ability to bear children, Naivety, - Jabir bn Abdullah reported that Allah’s Messenger said: تزوّجوا الأبكار فإنهن أعذب أفواها وأنتق أرحاما وأرضى بالتدبير. “Seek (in marriage) virgins, because they have more fertile wombs, sweeter speech, less slyness, and are more easily satisfied with little wealth” (At-Tabarani).

8. Beauty • Beauty: Abu Hurairah reports that Allah’s Messenger said: • خير النساء التى تسرّه إذا نظر, وتطيعه إذا أمر, ولا تخالفه فى نفسها ولا مالها بما يكره. • “The best of women is that who pleases him (i.e. her husband) when he looks at her, obeys him when he orders, and does not subject her husband’s money to what he dislikes” (Ahmad) • Compatibility:A man should seek a wife who is compatible with him, and a woman should seek a husband who is compatible with her. Aisha reports that Allah’s Messenger said: تخيّروا لنطفكم, فانكحوا الأكفاء وأنكحوا إليهم. “Make a (good) choice for your seed: marry (women) who are compatible to you and marry (your daughters) to them (who are compatible). (Ibn Majah). • Compatibility has two major requirements: Din and character. • Other qualities covered by compatibility factor are: age, language, financial strength, family status, nationality etc. While these may be of interest in certain instances, they are not specific matters mandated by Sharia

9. COURTSHIP • The prospective couple needs to get to know each other within the limits of what is permissible in Islam, before deciding on marriage. • Looking at the courted woman: Al-Mughirah and Anas bin Malik reported that when Al-Mughira wanted to marry a woman, Allah’s Messenger told him: اذهب فانظر إليها فإنه أحرى أن يؤدم بينكما “Go and look at her: It will then be more possible to have harmony between the two of you”. • Contact with the prospective partner should be discrete, infrequent and usually in the presence of relations of either party. Umar related that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said, "Not one of you should meet a woman alone unless she is accompanied by a relative (mahram)."(Bukhari/Muslim). • “Courtship or Dating" as it is currently practiced in many parts of the world whereby a young man and woman are in a one-on-one intimate relationship before deciding on marriage does not conform to Shariah.

10. Role of parents / guardian in choosing a Spouse • The parents or the guardians of a young girl or man should play the role of advisers to their wards who may be inexperienced. • The parents or the guardians of a young girl should not hesitate to give her hand in marriage to a pious man. Abu Hurairah reported that the Prophet said: • إن جاءكم من ترضون دينه وخلقه فزوّجوه...“If a man comes to you seeking marriage, and you are satisfied with his Din and character, marry him (or give him the hand of your daughter in marriage) lest a fitnah and great destruction becomes rampant on the earth” (Tirimidhi). • However, if the father or a guardian of a young girl finds that in her immaturity or overzealousness, he may restrain her from marrying that man and can find a suitable person for her. This is what is called Ijbar in Shariah. But such an act is subject to the consent of the virgin girl and her silence is considered her consent.

11. Aqd Nikah (Contracting a marriage) • The primary requirements are four namely: • Mutual agreement (Ijab-wa-Qubul)This is fulfilled by mentioning any phrase or term in any language which implies marriage such as: “I give the hand of my daughter in marriage”; “I marry you” etc while the acceptance should also be made clear. • Abu Hurairah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: ثلاث جدهن وهزلهن جد: النكاح والطلاق والرجعة “There are three matters that are considered serious in both serious and non-serious talk: marriage, divorce and returning (returning a wife on whom divorce is yet to be proclaimed on her for the third and final time). (Abu Dawud & Tirimidhi). • Mahr (marriage-gift) - Saduqat - Sadaaki to be paid by the groom to the bride either immediately (mu’ajjal) or deferred (muakhkhar), or a combination of both. The Qur’an says: 'And give the women (on marriage) their mahr as a (nikah) free gift" (Quran 4:4) • Dowry is a property of the bride not her family- It may be in cash or kind or knowledge as practiced by the Prophet. • Dowries should be moderate The Messenger of Allah said:خير النكاح أيسره“The best marriages (or dowries) are the easiest”. (Al-Jibaly). • There is this weak story about Umar bn Khattab and a woman during his sermon against hike of dowry. The story may lead to a no of false conclusions: • Permissibility of excessive dowry which may lead to zina and other destructions. • that a woman can stand in the masjid to correct the Imam or other speaker • No scholar of Islam deserves much respect

12. Primary requirements contd • THE WOMAN’S WALIY: The Bride’s father or legal guardian (wakeel) representing the bride should be the one to give her in marriage. The Waliy should be a Muslim, sane, free man, and matured among the blood relatives of the woman such as father, grandfather, son, brother, uncle etc. Otherwise, the guardianship, then the local Imam of the Muslim community would serve as the Waliy. • Two adult witnesses who are sane. The Prophet said: “No Nikkah without a Waliy and two just witnesses”. The witnesses should be sane and matured Muslims who must have heard the statement of mutual agreement stated in 6.1 above. • Permissibility of setting conditions • Uqbah bn Amir reported that the Prophet said: إنّ أحقّ الشروط أن توفّوا به ما استحللتم به الفروج • “Indeed, the conditions that deserves to be fulfilled the most are those which allow you access to women.’s private parts (by marriage). • However such condition is void once it violates the Islamic teachings. E.g asking for divorce of first wife, that a woman should not re-marry after the death of the husband etc.

13. Secondary Requirements of contracting a marriage • Written marriage contract ("Aqd-Nikah) signed by the bride, the groom and the witnesses of two sane adults. • Qadi (State appointed Muslim judge) or Ma'zoon (a responsible person officiating the marriage ceremony) • Khutba-tun-Nikah to solemnize the marriage (an address on essence of marriage and supplication for the couple).

14. Walima Nikkah (The Marriage Banquet) • After the fulfillment of the primary conditions, walima Nikkah is the feast to be performed at or after the consummation of the marriage.أعلنوا النكاح • Walimah is Wajib (obligatory). The Prophet said: ”إنه لا بدّ للعرس (للعروس) من وليمة““Indeed, a wedding must have a walimah” but Aqd nikkah should not be delayed because this festivity. • Walimah can be very simple as much as possible: The Prophet (SAW) saw Abdur Rahman bin Awf wearing yellowish garment (which were commonly worn by the newly wed). He asked him: what has happened? He replied: I have married a woman from the Ansar. He asked him: “what did you give her (as mahr)” He said: “A date stone’s weight of gold” The Prophet said: “May Allah bless it for you, offer a walimah – even if it be with only one goat”.

15. Mode of Celebration • Walima Nikkah is aimed at making the society at large aware of the marriage. There should be no discrimination. Prophet Muhammad (S.A.W) said: “The worst of the feasts are those marriage feasts to which the rich are invited and the poor are left out". Muslims should attend marriage ceremonies when they are invited. • Entertainment - The Prophet (SAW) advised ‘Aishah to do some entertainment in conformity with the tradition of Al-Ansaar. • Avoid extravagance and show off: Islam preaches moderation in all matters, including celebration of events. • Avoidance of sins in walimah- such as alcohol, immoral mode of dressing, Indiscriminate mixing of men and women, obscene songs, copying styles of non-Muslims. etc • Giving gifts is a good practice on all occasions but not compulsory. The prophet said: تهادوا تحابوا “Exchange gifts, this will bring love among you”

16. Consummating the marriage • Prayers and supplications: Shaqiq reported that a man called Hafiz came to Abdullah bin Mas’ud and said: “I have just married a young virgin, and I fear that she might dislike me” Ibn Mas’ud said: “ Indeed, love (between the spouses) is from Allah and dislike is from Satan who wants to make you dislike what Allah has made lawful to you. When she comes to you, tell her to pray two rakah behind you and then say: “O Allah, bless my wife for me, and bless me for her. O Allah, let our union be upon what is good, and let our separation when you separate us be on what is good” • Supplication before intercourse: Ibn ‘Abbas reported that Allah’s Messenger said: “when one of you wants to approach his wife, if he says: “Bismillah, Allahuma jannib nash-haytan, wa jannib sh-Shaytan ma razaqtana” –With the name of Allah. O Allah, keep Satan away from us, and keep him away from what You grant us” If it is then decreed that they have a child (from that intercourse), Satan will never harm it”. • Prohibitions in routine relationship – Anal sex,cohabit with a menstruating woman • The couple must perform ghuslu (ritual bath) after intercourse. • They must not approach solat until they perform ghuslu janab.

17. Prohibited degrees of marriage • This can be divided into two: (a) the permanently prohibited degrees and (2) temporarily prohibited degrees. • The former as contained in Surah Nisah (Q4:22-24) consist of 15 sets of people. They are: His mother, his step mother(s), grand mother(s), daughters, sisters, father’s sisters, mother’s sisters, brother’s daughters, foster mother, foster mother’s sister, wife’s mother, step daughter (Such a daughter should have been born by his wife with whom he has consummated a relationship.) and son’s wife. • The temporary prohibited marriages are :A man must not marry two sisters, or a woman and her aunt or niece at the same time. • A man must not marry a married woman and should not incite her against her husband. The Prophet said: ليس منّا من خبّب امرأة على زوجها, أو عبدا على سيّده ” “whoever incites a woman against her husband is not of us” (Abu Daud). • A man must not marry a woman during her Iddah (waiting period). • A man must not have more than four wives at a time. Ibn Umar reported that Gaylan bn Salam had 10 wives when he embraced Islam. Allah’s Messenger told him: “Keep four of them and divorce the rest” • Marrying an adulteress woman except she had demonstratively repented. • Marriage in the state of Ihram is temporarily prohibited until after the Ihram.

18. Marrying non-Muslims • General rule: Allah prohibits marriage with the Mushriks, male or female unless she embraces Islam. See Quran 2:221. • Exception to the rule: chaste among the women among those given scriptures before you lawful. Allah says: والمحصنات من الذين أوتوا الكتاب... and chaste women from among those who were given the scripture before you...” • This does not cover a Muslim lady marrying a non-Muslim. • Bone of contention: Some argue that this are Jews and Christian women while others argued that what form of Shirk is worse that a woman claiming that her Lord is Jesus. • Umar prohibited marrying a Jewish lady, he wrote to Hudhayfah to divorce a Jewish lady. Hudhayfah wrote back: If this is unlawful, I will divorce her: Umar wrote: “I do not claim that it is unlawful, but I fear that you (Muslims) will soon partake of their whores”. • Other issues at stake include the plight of the children’s faith • What becomes of those unmarried Muslim ladies, if Muslim men go for non-Muslims • When there is life challenge, where do we go for prayer mosque or church? • Who conducts our naming ceremonies and other celebrations, Imam or pastors?

19. POLYGAMY • Polygamy or marrying more than one wife is not a new phenomenon • Islam restricted number of wives to four at one time in the Noble Qur’an. Allah says: • وإن خفتم ألا تقسطوا فى اليتامى فانكحوا ما طاب من النساء مثنى وثلاث ورباع فإن خفتم ألا تعدلوا فواحدة.. النساء • The Muslim Jurists have laid down the following conditions for whoever wants to marry more than one wife. • (1) He should have enough financial capacity to look after them. • (2) He must do equal justice to them all especially, in fulfilling their conjugal rights. The Quran refers to the issue of human weakness in Q 4:129 saying: • ولن تستطيعوا أن تعدلوا بين النساء ولو حرصتم فلا تميلوا كل الميل فتذروها كالمعلقة... النساء • “You can never be able to be fair and just between women even if you want to, but turn not away from a woman completely as to leave her as it were hanging in the air

20. Polygamy may provide remedies to the following marital challenges: • When the wife is suffering from a serious ailment like paralysis, epilepsy etc. • When the wife may not be able to bear a child due to proven medical problem. • When a woman is of unsound mind. • When the woman has reached the old age and has become weak. • When the husband finds out that she has a bad character and she cannot be reformed. • When she has moved away from the husband’s house and has become disobedient. • During the period of war when men are killed and women are left behind in large number. • If the man feels that he cannot do without a second wife in order to satisfy his strong natural desire, provided he has enough resources to support two or more wives. In such instance, polygamy is better than engaging in zinah with its attendant risks to the entire family.

21. ROLES OF SPOUSES • Shared responsibilities • Truthfulness: Truthfulness builds trust and confidence which are the two major elements of a successful marriage. Permissible lying in the Hadith of Ummu Kulthum is limited to pleasant chatting. • Humility: Humility is a required character among the Muslims. Iyad Bin Himar reported that the Prophet said • إن الله أوحى إلي أن تواضعوا حتى لا يفخر أحد على أحد, ولا يبغي أحد على أحد • Allah revealed to me that you should show humbleness so that non should boast over anyone nor transgress against any one. • Mercy, kindness and forgiveness: • "...والكاثمين الغيظ والعافين عن الناس والله يحب المحسنين" آل عمران • “… and those who repress anger and who pardon men; verily Allah loves the good doers” (Qur’an Surah Al-Imran vs 134) Jarir bin Abdullah reported that Allah’s Messenger said: “He who does not show mercy, no mercy will be shown to him (by Allah). And he who does not forgive will not be forgiven”(Ahmad and at-Tabarani). • Mutual understanding: The couple should strive always to play down their differences and narrow down areas of conflict in their individual preferences • Reconciliation: The witnesses at the Aqd Nikkah are expected to play reconciliatory roles whenever there are strained issues in the marital relationship

22. The Rights of the Bride/Obligations of the Groom • Protection and Financial support: Allah says: • "الرجال قوامون على النساء بما فضل الله بعضهم على بعض وبما أنفقوا من أموالهم..." النساء • “Men are in charge of women by (right of) what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend (in support) from their wealth.” (An-Nisa 4:34). Whatever a man spends on his wife is regarded as charity. • Ghayrah: This implies great concern about the well being of the wife and the zeal to protect her from an evil touch, word, or look. A man without Ghayrah is called dayyuth (a person who has no sense of protection or honor regarding his wife). The Prophet said: “A dayyuth will not enter paradise. • Avoiding unnecessary suspicion: The Ghayrah should not be overstretched to the level of suspicion or intrusion into the privacy of one’s spouse. Jabir reports that Allah’s Messenger said: “When one of you is back from a long journey, he should not come to his family by night”. (Bukhari and Muslim). • Safeguarding her secrets: Abu Said al-Khudri reported that Allah’s Messenger said: “Indeed, among the people who will have the most grievous position before Allah on the Day of Judgment is a man who, after he privately approaches his wife and she privately approaches him, he exposes her secrets”.(Abu Dawud). • Looking at the wife’s better side

23. The Rights of the Groom/ Obligations of the Bride • Submission of the wife to the husband’s authority- Allah’s Messenger said:” Were I to order a person to prostrate before another person, I would have ordered the woman to prostrate before her husband” (Tirimidhi) • Showing gratitude- Abdullah bin ‘Amr reported that Allah’s Messenger said: “Allah does not look (with mercy) at a woman who is not grateful to her husband when she cannot live without him”(an-Nasai’) • Love and Kindness to the husband- Abu Uthaynah as-Sadafu reported that Allah’s Messenger said: “The best of your women are those who are bearers of many children, loving (to their husbands) comforting, and tolerant – provided that they have taqwa of Allah… • Chastity and Obedience – • "...فالصالحات قانتات حافظات للغيب بما حفظ الله ..." النساء • "Therefore, the Righteous woman are devotedly obedient and guarding (the husband’s) absence what Allah would have them guard….” Q4 vs 34. • Fulfilling the husband’s physical desires - Hurairah reported that Allah’s Messenger said: “when a woman deserts her husband’s bed at night, the angels curse her till the morning • Raising her children according to the tenets of Islam

24. Managing marital disputes • "ولو شاء ربك لجعل الناس أمة واحدة ولا يزالون مختلفين إلاّ من رحم ربّك ولذلك خلقهم..." هود. • If your Lord had so willed, He would have made mankind one people, but they will not cease to differ, except those on whom your Lord and Sustainer has bestowed His mercy, and for this did He create them…” (Q. 11.118). • The couple should look at conflicts in a positive way as it may bring about a positive and necessary change • The couple should iron out their differences through proper discussion and listening to one another • At times, a marital difference may require an intervention from a third party. In that case, a righteous people with good intention should be involved

25. Talaq (Divorce) • Allah detests divorce even though it is allowed after all settlement options have failed • The Qur’an has left two windows for a man to divorce his wife in a revocable manner while the third divorce is irrevocable • الطلاق مرتان فإمساك بمعروف أو تسريح بإحسان ... البقرة. • “The Divorce is twice, after that, either you retain her on reasonable terms or release her with kindness…” (Q.2:229)

26. Conclusion • Marriage is an important affair in the life of a Muslim and requires a lot of guidance and prayer before one ventures into it • men and women have different roles towards a blissful marriage • More “public” duties are assigned to men, while women have more responsibilities regarding the internal affairs of the family. • If families are not built on the foundation that Allah ordained, misery, hatred, dissension and corruption will surely rule.

27. References • Abdur Rahman Doi: 1984. Shariah the Islamic law. London: Taha Publishers. • Ahmad bn Shuaib an-Nasai. 2003. Sunan an-Nasai. Beirut: Dar Ibn Hazm. • Hamudah Abulati. 1985. Islam in Focus. Diwan Press. • Muhammad bn Ismail al-Bukhari. 2003. Sahih Bukhari. Beirut: Dar Ibn Hazm • Muslim bn Muslim. 2003. Sahih Muslim. Beirut: Dar Ibn Hazm. • Muhammad bn Isa. 2003. Sunan Tirimidhi. Beirut: Dar Ibn Hazm. • Muhammad bn Yazid al-Qazwini. 2003. Sunan Ibn Majah. Beirut: Dar Ibn Hazm. • M. Hamidullah. 1981. Introduction to Islam. IPB, Lagos, Nigeria. • Muhsin Khan et al(Trans). 1996. Interpretation of The Noble Qur’an in English language. Darussalam • Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly. nd. The Quest for love and mercy. Revised edition. Al-kitab & Sunnah Publishing. • Muhammad Mustafa al-Jibaly: The Fragile Vessels. Revised edition. Al-kitab and Sunnah Publishing. • Seyyid Sabiq: 1992. Fiqh Sunnah, Part 2, Dar-l-Fikr. • Sulaiman bn Ash’ath. 2003. Sunan Abi Dawud. Beirut: Dar Ibn Hazm. • www.zawaj.com

28. Thanks for listening