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How to Fail as a DBA

How to Fail as a DBA. Advice on how to leave the DBA profession behind. Our Goal. How Do We Get There?. Hard work? Teamwork? Self-Motivation? Learn from Peers? Keep up with new technology?. No, that would be silly. Failure Is An Option. Live in fear of making a mistake

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How to Fail as a DBA

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  1. How to Fail as a DBA Advice on how to leave the DBA profession behind

  2. Our Goal

  3. How Do We Get There? • Hard work? • Teamwork? • Self-Motivation? • Learn from Peers? • Keep up with new technology? No, that would be silly

  4. Failure Is An Option • Live in fear of making a mistake • Delegate “uncomfortable” work to co-workers • Avoid doing your own research • Tell customer it just can’t be done Ways to avoid doing any actual DBA work “The best thing about being a Poopsmith is there is no way to fail as a Poopsmith”

  5. Words of Wisdom Focus on complicating the simple tasks and ignoring the complicated tasks

  6. DBA Failure Rule #1 Always remember… COMPLEXITY = JOB SECURITY

  7. DBA Failure Rule #2 Always remember… VISIBILITY = OUTSOURCING

  8. DBA Failure Rule #3 Always remember… SURLINESS = INTELLIGENCE

  9. DBA Failure Rule #4 Always remember… SQL GOOD = ORACLE BAD OK, this one is true

  10. Rules to Fail By • Make maintenance plans as complex as possible and never, ever tell people what they actually do. • Make sure users are aware that upgrading SQL is a daunting task and should be avoided at any cost. • Always solve problems as slowly as possible and never, never, ever tell them what you did.

  11. Backups • thinks backups are a privilege • thinks verifying restores requires a daily supply of bagels • likes to check successful backups only when he has a hunch they’ve been failing

  12. Performance • thinks performance is a user’s problem • thinks tuning = reboot • thinks more hardware is always the solution • indexes EVERYTHING • loves shrinking databases (and hates kittens)

  13. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

  14. PoopSmith’s Hierarchy of Needs

  15. Finally • Always make fun of SQL Server presenters and give them low evaluations just for the heck of it. Thank You and Good Luck on Your New Career DISCLAIMER: Please, for the love of God and kittens, do not follow any of the advise in this presentation Special thanks to www.homestarrunner.com

  16. About Me www.dbaexperience.wordpress.com @shawsql

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