Relationships & Consent

Relationships & Consent THE Council, November 20, 2013

Outline • How to get out of an unhealthy relationship • How to help a friend who is in an unhealthy relationship • Consent • What does the clinic do? • What can we do?

What would you do? • One of your friends, Sam, comes to talk to you about a fight he had with his partner. Sam tells you that his partner shoved him against a wall. He also tells you this is not the first time his partner has ever hurt him physically. • How would you respond? • What are some resources that you could offer Sam? • One of your friends comes to see you about a problem she’s been having with a guy she met a couple of weeks ago. She gave him her number and they talked on Facebook a few times. Now he’s constantly contacting her. What bothers her more is that she sees him around campus all the time, even appearing in buildings where she has her classes. She sent him a message the other day telling him that she is not interested, but this has not stopped his behavior. • What are some things you would say to this friend?

How can I help a friend? • Reach out. • Be supportive. Listen. Be respectful. • Help them realize the abuse is not normal, and not their fault. • Focus on your friend, not the abuser. • Connect your friend to resources. • Help to develop a plan.

How can I help myself? • Remember, it is NEVER your fault • Talk to someone • Counseling • Make a plan • Breaking up: • If you do not feel safe breaking up in person, do it over the phone or email • If you break up in person, do it in a public place; have people with you • Do not try to explain your reasons more than once • Let friends and family know you are ending the relationship • Trust yourself. Make a plan.

Cycle of Violence

Love is respect • Text • Text “loveis” to 22522 • Questions or comments • Chat Online • www.loveisrespect.org • Chat with a peer advocate in real-time • Call • 1-866-331-9474 • Lines are open 24/7, advocates can link you with services in your area, provide you with information, help you make a plan, or just listen.

School based clinic role • Project Connect • Mental Health Services • Referrals to other community resources Talk to us. If we don’t offer what you need, chances are we can refer you so someone who does.

What is Consent? Consent IS Consent IS NOT The absence of “no” Implied, even in a relationship When someone says “yes” because they feel pressured or afraid “I’m not sure” “I don’t know” Consent for one thing does not mean consent for everything Consent given once does not mean always • YES • Mutual agreement and approval • Based on choice (voluntary) • Active, not passive • Sober • Enthusiastic • Only possible when power is equal • Can always be taken away, or changed • An ongoing dialogue

Consent Videos http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yyDUC1LUXSU http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xAgD1yfgUuk

The Consent Game

The Consent Game • Scenario 1: Proceeding from one form of sexual activity to another • Rose and Miguel had been going out for several months. They had “hooked up” in the past. Rose has expressed to Miguel on several occasions that she desires to remain a virgin until marriage. They often sleep at each others rooms, in the same bed. On some of these occasions they kiss and hold each other. On at least one occasion the touching went further to touching genital areas. On this night, Rose and Miguel decided to take their relationship to the “next” level. Rose and Miguel began to engage in oral sex. Both parties were actively enjoying this activity. Miguel then placed Rose on her back and proceeded to intercourse. Rose stared blankly off and became silent.

The Consent Game • Scenario 2: Coercion • Kim and Lee had been dating for a semester. Kim is a freshman and Lee is a senior. They were“hooking up” in Lee’s room one afternoon after class. Kim felt like things were going to fast. Lee tells Kim,“I thought you really liked me”and“I thought this could be a special time”. Kim really likes Lee, but doesn’t want to move too quickly. Lee begins to question whether or not Kim trusts him. He also says things like,“we’ve been going out for a semester, and it’s time you made me happy.”He continues to say things like,“I’ve been waiting for such a ling time, you’re lucky I’m still with you”. He also says “come on, Kim, it will be special.”After some time, Kim gives in to his requests.

The Consent Game • Scenario 3: Incapacitated Sex • Rich and Keisha are out at a bar with some mutual friends. The two are acquaintances through these friends. After several drinks the two are seen dancing together. As the evening progresses Rich and Keisha’s friends want to leave for another party. Noticing that Rich and Keisha are having a good time, the friends take off to the other party. An hour later Rich asks Keisha if she wants to leave. Rich and Keisha look around for their friends and realize they have left. Rich offers to give Keisha a ride home. Keisha feeling dizzy and light headed accepts the ride. Once at Keisha’s home, Keisha invites him in for another drink. Rich and Keisha are really hitting it off. They have several more drinks while talking. Keisha holds Rich’s hand. Rich leans over and begins to kiss Keisha. The couple moves from the couch to the bed where they proceed to take off their clothes. Keisha slurs her speech and falls off the bed. Rich helps her back on the bed and proceeds to intercourse. Keisha is out of it, so Rich hurry’s up and finishes.

How to ask for consent • “Would it be okay with you if…?” • “Are you comfortable with this?” • “Do you like this?” • “What are you comfortable with?” • “What do you like?”

Thank you! • Come and talk to us any time in the clinic Local resources: • Sexual Violence Center 24hr Crisis Line: 612-871-5111 • Harriet Tubman: Crisis line 612-825-0000 • Youth And Young Adults (YAYA) program: Services for young people aged 13-24. Call or text 612-656-9292

Relationships & Consent