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LGBT Health Summit 2009 Lesbians Loving, Lusting and Longing

LGBT Health Summit 2009 Lesbians Loving, Lusting and Longing. Marcia Ash 7/10/09. Summary of presentation.

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LGBT Health Summit 2009 Lesbians Loving, Lusting and Longing

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  1. LGBT Health Summit 2009Lesbians Loving, Lusting and Longing Marcia Ash 7/10/09

  2. Summary of presentation Some of the issues lesbians/WSW (women who have sex with women) may experience within their lives, having an impact on physical, emotional, mental and sexual health to discuss and debate the complexities and issues including:

  3. Positive and negative relationship effects on mental health • Can lesbians/WSW be addicted to love and relationships – if so what are the symptoms? • How do lesbian/WSW relationships differ from the wider population in relation to the expectations of gender and the competing demands on women’s lives, e.g. women in paid work, with caring responsibilities, whose relationships aren’t ‘seen’/valued within their extended families all of which are linked to and impact on physical, emotional, mental and sexual health • What is a healthy relationship for lesbian/WSW and What relationship support is available • What is merging and how does it happen. Is codependency inevitable?

  4. Is sexual and emotional anorexia (the inability to be emotionally and sexually nourished/ fear of intimacy) the root of Lesbian–bed-death? • Is sex a substitute for relationship or a healthy recreational activity • Role models what do they teach us • Who is writing/researching within this area what are they finding?

  5. How do lesbian relationships differ? Women are classified as mothers, carers and sexual objects and the understanding of lesbians is sexualised - this is a very tall order and a lot of pressure A culture that promotes heterosexuality rejects and debases and punishes same sex attractions relationships. Homophobia creates an internal split- and can lead to internalised homophobia – fear and shame. Modelling of relationships on heterosexuality – butch and femme cultures playing roles instead of being oneself

  6. Family rejection – hetrosexual relationships sanctioned and supported by society an • Keeping relationships secret – afraid of rejection – suppression of affection warmth and care in public • Isolation – couples with couples and the singles kept at bay, resulting in isolation from general community. • Enmeshed – bonding is great and women are conditioned to be good at it – but it very easy to for women to go beyond this and become enmeshed and loose own identity – Merging.

  7. Lots of women involved with each other in the past – lesbian organisations imploding from the sexual politics that arise strains of former lovers, current lovers and women on the verge of becoming lovers • What are the messages real or perceived that lesbians/wsw receive regarding their identity

  8. Love Love songs reinforce erroneous ideas that : • love happens overnight • falling in love – chemical process like drinking – a magical potion • romantic love is the most important experience above all else, platonic, family, brotherly and sisterly are poor substitutes • it’s ok to do anything for love • it’s romantic to suffer

  9. Love and Chemistry • When two people are attracted to each other, fireworks go off accompanied by an altered state of consciousness stars and a gushing of adrenaline-like neurochemicals. • PEA or phenylethylamine speeds up the flow of information between nerve cells. • Dopamine makes us feel good • Norepinephrine (NOR-EP-ih-NEF-rin) (Noradrenaline) stimulates the production of adrenaline. It makes our heart race fight/flight!

  10. Sexual/social/emotional anorexia – inability to be emotionally and sexually nourished - does this play a part in ‘lesbian bed-death’ As an eating disorder, anorexia is defined as the compulsive avoidance of food. In the area of sex and love, anorexia has a similar definition: in this context Anorexia is the compulsive avoidance of giving or receiving social, sexual, or emotional nourishment.

  11. Sex – substitute for relationship or healthy recreational activity accepting sex looking for love? • isn’t proof of being loved • isn’t proof of loving someone • isn’t being attractive • doesn’t cure problems • isn’t nurture • isn’t insurance against abandonment – even if you are the best lover in town

  12. What is a healthy relationship? • Honesty • Readiness for relationship • Willingness to negotiate/compromise • Self awareness – both partners knowing who they are and what they want • Self esteem –both partners feeling good about themselves • Communication skills • Sexual compatibility • Recognising that there are 4 people in a relationship 2 adults and 1 inner child per adult – • Similar values

  13. Role Models Role models – inadequate role models, few lesbian without tragedy, poor examples from parents about how to love and respect

  14. Boundaries and codependency Can I say no? A codependent person will • allow someone else's actions or behaviours to determine anothers • become trapped in controlling and manipulating behaviour. • believe that one person more capable than others, who need direction or suggestions to fulfil tasks they are responsible to complete.

  15. Research • Who’s writing/researching within this area

  16. Questions • What are the issues or our own experiences and the impact on physical, emotional, mental and sexual health individual lives for lesbians/WSW around the following: • How do lesbian/WSW relationships differ from the wider population in relation to • the expectations of gender • the competing demands on women’s lives, e.g. women in paid work, with caring responsibilities, • whose relationships aren’t ‘seen’/valued within their extended families competing demands on women’s lives

  17. Is sexual and emotional anorexia (the inability to be emotionally and sexually nourished/ fear of intimacy) the root of Lesbian–bed-death? • domestic physical or emotional violence • What is merging and how does it happen - Is codependency inevitable? • What is a healthy relationship for lesbian/WSW - the ex’s who are best friends how can we work towards and maintain them or is their inabilities to end or make a healthy disconnections? And… what relationship support is available? And what are the real or perceived) experiences of lesbian/wsw about these issues and those seeking services • Who else do we need to involve? E.g. commissioners and service providers in making a commitment for concrete service changes for lesbians and WSW.

  18. Bibliography and References • Kasl, Charlotte Davis (1990) Women sex and Addiction. Harper & Row, NY • Melody, Pia (2003) Facing Love Addiction. HarperSanFrancisco • Peabody, Susan (2005) Addiction to Love. Celestial Arts Berkley Toronto • http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/boundaries-and-codependency-faq.htm (Accessed 21/9/08) • http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency.htm (accessed 21/9/08) • http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/codependency-test-faq.htm (Accessed 21/9/08)

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