What’s All That Talking Now?

What’s All That Talking Now? Communication Module

What is Communication? • A process by which ideas, concepts, thoughts, emotions, and feelings are shared with another person through the use of verbal and non-verbal symbols.

Why do people want to talk to you, their RA? • Confused • Lonely/Homesick • Feel as though they are the only one • Feel lost • Don’t know where to begin • ‘Dump and run” • Want a non-judgmental person

Be A Helping Person • Students may have a need to talk. We can meet that need by demonstrating a willingness to listen and assisting them in processing the information.

Communication Approaches Aggressive • Does not take others into account • Getting my way • Destructive physically and mentally • Makes others aggressive Example: “You need to move my child right now and I don’t care what I have to do for this to happen”

Passive • Everyone else’s rights matter more than your own • Don’t have the right to an opinion • Don’t have the right to contribute • Does not join in on conversation • Goes with what others decide/say Example: “Sure, I don’t mind holding the phone for you. I will just call my friends and reschedule for another time”

Passive-Aggressive • Aggression comes out in indirect ways • May agree to do things and fail to follow through • Saying one thing but meaning another • Often sees self as cooperative • Have excuses for failures, etc. • Never has to take responsibility, everything is someone else’s fault • Critical of others, but never tells people anything directly Example: “Sure, I’ll hold the duty phone for you again, even though you have never helped me out when I needed it”

Assertive • “Assertiveness is a behavior or skill that helps you to communicate clearly and with confidence, your feelings, needs, wants, and thoughts…at the same time you will value others, respecting their rights to an opinion as well” Example: “No, I can not look the other way this time. I see six beer cans on the dresser right there and you clearly have alcohol in your room. I am going to have to call DPS and the Hall Director. This is not personal, but I have a job to do”

Basic Rules of Communication • Listen • Few of us really listen, especially when our own feelings, wants, desires, and emotions are involved. • We may take something personally, misinterpret or distort a message, hear only part of a message or view an innocent comment as criticism. • Active listening is making an effort to really hear accurately what the other person is saying and to attempt to understand what your resident is feeling by conveying concern, interest, respect and support.

Basic Rules of Communication • Feelings are Legitimate • Don’t ask “why do you feel that way”, instead ask “what do you feel” • “Why” implies that you should not feel that way; and if you do feel that way you must be able to justify the feelings or have a good reason for feeling it.

Basic Rules of Communication • Don’t Mind Read • Don’t assume that you understand what your resident is saying until you check in with them. • Don’t make accusations based on your unconfirmed interpretation, expectation, or analyses.

Basic Rules of Communication • Be Present! • Be in the here and now. Focus on the individual and try not to get distracted by what is going on around you.

Basic Rules of Communication • Don’t Ask Too Many Questions • Often questions are implied statements • The question may imply an accusation • Your questions may put the other person on the defensive and s/he will come up with excuses or place blame. • Sometimes it is better to turn the question into a statement.

Top 3 Reasons to Practice Good Communication as an RA • Increased sense of belonging – residents who are well informed and feel included in the decision making process generally take more ownership in the floor community • Increased motivation – residents have a say in the floor community • Increased teamwork – through a sharing opinions, wants/needs, residents come together to build a community

Communication Barriers • Judging • Criticizing – blaming another person for their actions or attitudes • Name Calling – stereotyping a person or demeaning them with your foul choice of words • Diagnosing – playing psychologist • Praising to manipulate – getting a person to continue doing what you want them to do

Communication Barriers • Sending Solutions • Ordering – forcing our solutions on others • Threatening – similar to ordering – adding an “or else” to the statement • Moralizing – telling others “shoulds” or “oughts” • Intrusive Questions – machine gun questions that back people into a corner • Advising – an easy trap even when you have got the best intentions to help someone

Communication Barriers • Avoidance • Detouring – changing the topic of conversation • Logical argument – going Dr. Spock with facts, figures, and logic • Reassuring – failing to understand the true depth of the other person’s feelings

Effective Tips for Communication • Stay focused on the present • Listen carefully. Do not interrupt. Don’t think about what you are going to say next • Seek first to understand. Try to see their point of view • Respond to criticism with empathy. Listen to the emotion of the other person with empathy for their feelings

Effective Tips for Communication • Own What’s Yours – Personal responsibility is a strength, not a weakness. Effective communication involves admitting when you are wrong. This can diffuse potential crazy scenarios, sets a good example, and displays maturity

Effective Tips for Communication • Use “I” Statements – make your feelings about you. It is less accusatory, sparks less defensiveness, and helps the other person understand your point of view • Look for a compromise. Instead of trying to “win” in a conversation, look for solutions that meet the needs of the collective.

Effective Tips for Communication • Agree to disagree – healthy communication involves finding a resolution that both sides can be happy with • Take a time out if needed. It is okay to take a breath from the discussion until you cool off • Don’t give up! After you break, always come back to it. With a constructive attitude and willingness to hear the other point of view, mutual respect, you can make progress!

Effective Tips for Communication • Ask for help when you need it! If someone has a problem staying respectful or the situation does not seem to improve, seek a mediator such as your HD, the HD on Duty, Counseling Staff, etc.

Are you REALLY listening?

Active Listening • Takes practice • Entails being intentional • Is an important aspect of effective communication involves listening for meaning. Involves very little talking. • Mentally puts yourself in the other person’s shoes • Keeps the conversation on what the speaker says, not what interests you

Active Listening • Pay attention and try to not become preoccupied with your own thoughts and fantasies • Do not finish the sentence of your resident • Encourage the speaker

Non – Verbal Communication • Be aware of your body language • Relaxed • Open position • Lean forward • Maintain eye contact without staring • Show emotion

Counseling Techniques to assist with Active Listening • Reflecting • This process involves being able to listen intently and reflect BACK what you heard to the speaker • Try and step in the person’s shoes • Use emotional recall • Interpret the person’s tone and body language • Try and use a synonym for the feeling the person has identified

Counseling Techniques to assist with Active Listening • Paraphrasing • Restate key points • Used to clarify • Use your own words

Counseling Techniques to assist with Active Listening • Summarizing • Focusing on the main points of a presentation or conversation in order to highlight the take home points • All the while, you are checking in to see if you are accurate

Asking Questions • Close-ended • This is used to gather specific information – it can normally be answered with either a single word or phrase • Example: “Have you talked to your roommate about your feelings?” • Open-ended • This is used in order to gather lots of information – you ask it with the intent of getting a long answer • Example: “Tell me what happened to make you so mad at your roommate.”

Don’t Forget! • Follow Up! • Ask permission to provide feedback and discuss suggestions and implications for an action plan

Barriers to Effective Listening • Too many distractions • Cell phone • TV or music • Roommates • Computers • Facebook, email, IM’s, Twitter, etc. • Busy spaces

Barriers to Effective Listening • Letting the mind wander • Pre-judging the speaker • Rushing to solve the issue • Showing signs of needing to leave • Dismissing or invalidating feelings • Not explaining confidentiality

Encouraging People To Communicate • Still Here Phrases • Brief comments • Signal you are listening • Examples • Okay • Uh-huh • Right

Encouraging People To Communicate • Bridges or Links • Encourage building on a previous point • Encourages speaker to continue • Examples • And then? • Go on • What happened next?

Be A Helping Person Behaviors to AVOID in a helping relationship: • The Teller: “Here is what you are going through.” • The Thinker: “Let me give you a rational analysis of why you feel bad.” • The Feeler: “Let me cry on your shoulder and tell you how bad I feel.” • The Stealer: “Look how sensitive I am … I am helping you.” • The Cheerleader: “I am so afraid of pain, I will not let you hurt, lets go get ice cream.” • The Martyr: “I will be strong for you, I will do everything for you so that you can heal.”

Encouraging People To Communicate • Emphasizers • Encourage speaker to expand • Emphasizes key words or feelings • By highlighting words that convey or describe emotions, you encourage the speaker to provide more detail • Examples • Speaker states “I feel so overwhelmed with work” • You reply “Overwhelmed”

Setting the Tone… • Communication with your residents starts Move In Day! • As you spend time on your floor, you will start to learn your resident’s names and basic information. This is a good starting point to build good interpersonal relationships with your residents.

Setting the Tone… Setting a tone at the first floor meeting • Start on time • Be organized, use an agenda • Provide needed information (rules and regulations) • Talk about your role as a student staff member • Speak clearly • Answer any clarifying questions • End on time Be firm! It is easy to start firm and then lighten up. However, it is almost impossible to start soft and then try to tighten things up later.

Communication Wrap Up • We will continue to build on communication skills in RA training. • If you have specific questions, do not be afraid to contact your Hall Director! • Don’t be afraid to admit a mistake – we can always figure out how to fix it!

Blah, Blah, Blah… Please complete your dropbox assignment! 

What’s All That Talking Now?