“Big Things First” October 18, 2009 rsmarriage

1. “Big Things First” October 18, 2009 www.rsmarriage.org

2. “Big Things” from Psalm 103 • Forgiveness • Know and be Known • Respect & Honor, Dignity & Civility • Purpose and Order • Today: Boundaries--Are you willing to surrender? • Oct 25: Faith and Faithfulness--Brad and Jamie • Nov 1: Joint Agreements, Anger & Conflict, Clocks turn back • Nov 8: Your Best Interest at Heart, One Anothers • Nov 15: Security, Provision and Protection • Nov 22: Thankfulness • Nov 29: No class • Dec 5: Christmas Dinner in the Atrium • Dec 6: Oneness and Covenant • Dec 13: Love • Dec 20: Psalm 103 Couple Panel • Dec 27: No Class

3. Surrender, Submission, Subjection • Psalm 103: 7-12, 17 • Ephesians 5: 15-33 • Phil 2:1-11 • At your tables, intro new couples. • What one major theme comes out of these Scriptures that has a direct bearing on our relationship with God, and with each other in marriage?

4. As we begin our look at Boundaries today, and Joint Agreements on November 1st, let’s consider this: Joint Agreements with Boundaries are empty, chaotic, and unsatisfying without the central and root ingredient of surrender, submission, subjection, and an ‘all in’ attitude toward one another….. …..much like our faith is empty, chaotic and unsatisfying without the central and root ingredient of surrender, submission, subjection, and an ‘all in’ attitude toward God.

6. Things you hear about boundaries • Define property and ownership • Legal Nation-State lines of demarcation • “I like to ski out of bounds.” • “I don’t want to be bounded by anything or anyone.” • “We are a nation/world of laws.” (Driving, IRS, ethics, credit score, grades, gravity) • “The weight limit for this bridge is 10 tons!” • “I feel hemmed-in by all these office rules.” • “Inflate tire to 36 pounds P/SI”

7. Things you hear about boundaries • “Our boundaries change as we get older and mature, and as trust increases.” • “My wife pressures me every time we balance the check book - I dread it!” • “She moves and thinks so fast I can’t keep up with her.” • “He deals with change so readily---I can’t easily process that much change.” • “My mate is so anxious and jealous, he/she invades my privacy and tracks me down---that just crosses the line!” • “I wish my parents would just mind their own business---do they think we are dumb---we can make our own way!!!” • “He gets as close to out-of-bounds with God as he can.”

8. Things you hear about Boundaries • Boundary Layer Conditions • Area of feasibility • Out of bounds behavior -- “Time out” • Having boundaries can give us security: e.g., life/work; travel; social; sexual; hobbies; friends • Our definition and acceptance of boundaries somewhat defines us, and perhaps defines the character of our marriage • Boundaries are a fluid mixture of Freedom and Responsibility--Cloud and Townsend • The concept of Max Q = maximum dynamic pressure on a fast moving object

9. Boundary Examples in Marriage • A coordinated schedule • Worship, Spiritual study and conversation • Domestic support • Sexual conduct, intensity and frequency • Conflict intensity • Parental influence and intensity • Financial- debt load, common resources, budget • Language used • Children--ours, yours, theirs • Behavior in front of others • Alcohol, drugs • Recreation and hobbies • Time to ourselves and time with friends and times together

10. Cloud and Townsend Laws of Boundaries10 things to Consider 1. Sowing and Reaping Our actions have consequences. Someone will bear them. Don’t interrupt this law by regularly bailing your spouse out. 2. Responsibility We are responsible to, not for each other. We are to do the “one another’s”, not be one another.

11. 10 Things to Consider 3. Power We do not have power over other people. We hardly have/allow enough power over ourselves. 4. Respect If we wish our boundaries to be respected we must respect those of others. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

12. 10 Things to Consider 5. Motivation We must be free to say no before we can wholeheartedly say yes. “Acts of love” are worthless if we don’t feel we have a choice. 6. Evaluation We need to evaluate and consider the effects of our boundaries on others. Hurt and harm are not the same – pain may eventually lead to growth.

13. 10 Things to Consider 7. Proactive Boundaries must express what you stand for, not just what you are against. Solve problems on the basis of your values, the Word, and your shared needs. 8. Envy We will never get what we need if we focus on what others have. Envy keeps us empty and unfulfilled.

14. 10 Things to Consider 9. Activity We need to take the initiative to solve our problems. You don’t have to wait forever for your spouse to take the first step, even though maybe they should. 10. Exposure Boundaries must be communicated, Otherwise they are invisible to others.

15. Your Devotions for October 18-14 1. Re-read all the slides in this deck, all the Scripture on slide 10, and the Reading that is included in this lesson, “Self Surrender”. 2. What are some of the general boundaries in your marriages? 3. Do you know the “boundary layer conditions” of your marriage, and what is outside the “area of feasibility”? 4. What is one boundary you need to establish or strengthen in your marriage? 5. Do you know your mate’s Max Q? (the max pressure you can put on their boundaries, that when breached causes instability in your marriage)

16. Boundaries are put into action by Joint Agreements--in 2 weeks--November 1st, 2009