Whatever Happened to My Little Girl?

1. Whatever Happened to My Little Girl? Presenters: Pascale Salomon Elisabeth Escobar

2. What are the Objectives of this Workshop? • To understand the psychological development of adolescent girls • To differentiate between normal vs. problem teen behaviour • To intervene effectively when problems arise

4. What is a Clique? • An exclusive group of girls who are close friends. A platoon of soldiers who have banded together to navigate the perils and insecurities of adolescence • There is a chain of command and they operate as one in their interactions with their environment • Group cohesion is based on unquestionable loyalty to the leaders and us-versus-the world mentality • Cliques are sophisticated, complex and multilayered, and every girl has a role within them • Cliques are worse in sixth, seventh and eight grade

5. What are the Different Roles • Queen Bee • Sidekick • Banker • Floater • Torn Bystander • Pleaser Wannabe Messenger • Target

6. REMEMBER • Adolescence is a time when social hierachies are powerfully and painfully reinforced every moment of the day • Girls can be each other’s pillars of support and saviors, but they can also do horrible things to each other

7. - Shy - Overweight - Acne - Too opinionated - Cause-oriented- Gay • Pretty • Confident • Happy • Money • Hangs out with the right guys • Nice on the outside • In control • Popular • Athletic • Money

8. Popularity is the Key • For some girls popularity is magical • Popularity conveys an illusory sense of power • Some girls think that if they can achieve it all, their problems will disappear • Good popularity: when a girl is genuinely liked because she is kind to people • Bad popularity: When a girl’s popularity is based on fear and control

9. Girl World • Most girls are obsessed about their looks. If they aren’t, they’ve found another way to express themselves through a talent or skill that builds their self-esteem • If there is something about their physical appearance that they do like, girls will never admit it because they’re afraid other girls will accuse them of being vain • If there is something about their physical appearance they don’t like, they’re obsessed by it • Girls need constant reassurance from each other that they fit in and look good • Girls are constantly comparing themselves to each other

10. Girl World cont.. • Girls know they are manipulated by the media to hold themselves to an impossible standard of beauty, but that doesn’t stop them from holding themselves to it anyway • When a girl has a friend who is starving herself, she’s often between worry and envy, because thin equals good (this can change depending on race and culture, but the dominant culture dictates thin equals good) • Being beautiful doesn’t guarantee popularity, but it limits how low down the pecking order you go • The way a girl decides to ‘mark’ herself- from piercing a nose or dyeing her hair to wearing Gap or DG –identifies how she sees herself and to what group she belongs. Her markers reveal her place in the social hierarchy

11. Identifying Your Parenting Style • The lock in her closet parent • The best friend parent • The hip parent • Pushover parent • No-excuse parent • Benign neglect parent • Private parent • No privacy parent • Don’t ask, don’t tell parent

12. Overbearing parent • The worried parent! All parents

13. The Loving Hard Ass Parent • Don’t take their daughter’s behaviour as an insult or indication that their relationship is weak • Own up to mistakes and behaviour and they encourage daughter to do the same • Demonstrate that you can learn from mistakes and be better for it • Love their daughter unconditionally • Hold daughter accountable for decisions and behaviour that go against familly’s values and ethics • They don’t blame others for their daughter’s behaviour • They never make their daughter feel ashamed of who she is

14. REMEMBER • You are your daughter’s best role model • You are not a failure! The only way you can fail is if you don’t try, you disconnect, you don’t hold her accountable for her behaviour, or if you don’t teach her the value of empathy, thoughtfulness and critical thinking • Be kind to yourself. Parenting is often overwhelming and very few of us are taught to develop effective coping skills!

15. Effective Communication • Don’ts • How was school today? • Don’t limit yourself to • spontaneous opportunities • Don’t make comments about • homework, room cleaning or • clothes she’s wearing • Don’t be afraid of silence • Don’t sigh, roll your eyes and • click your teeth Do’s • What happened in math class today? • Look for opportunities to bond • Sit with your daughter until she is ready to talk • Be honest with yourself about your goals and agenda • Affirm your daughter’s feelings

16. Effective Communication cont. • Don’ts • Don’t use the slang your daughter uses • Don’t preach! • Don’t try to fix her problems - resist making everything alright • Don’t make fun of her Do’s • Get clarification if she uses a word or code you don’t understand • Share your own experiences from when you were her age • Empower her so she has the skills to get through her problems with your support and guidance • Give her ownership for what she does good and bad. Let her make mistakes

17. What if Your Daughter is a Target • Choosing when to confront teasing and gossiping is always difficult When girls have problems, they need help right away!

18. Helpful Strategies • Have a productive conversation • Help her come up with realistic strategies to confront the problem effectively • Your daughter and you may decide the following alternatives: • Confronting the aggressor • Asking a teacher or counselor for help • You can tell the aggressor’s parents • You can talk to the teacher • You can talk to an administrator

19. What About Love and Sexuality • Around twelve years of age, girls’ bonding often extends beyond navigating their friendship with other girls to include bonding over drama with boys • If one girl is getting attention from boys or is more ‘boy crazy’ than her friend, it will strain the relationship and put pressure on the other girl to play catch-up • At some point, a girl will pretend to be not as smart, strong or capable around a boy she likes. She may be embarrassed by her behaviour but not know how to stop

20. Her girlfriends will see this, be embarrassed, and talk behind her back, but also wonder if this is the right way to get boys’ attention • As in their friendships with girls, girls often communicate unclearly or don’t say what they mean because they want to please the boy they like. To a girl, pleasing means doing what the other person wants, almost always at the cost of what she wants - or doesn’t want • She’ll have a crush on someone who doesn’t treat her or other people well. She’ll know this, but won’t stop liking the person • Not all girls like boys. Some girls are sexually attracted to girls or question their sexuality early in their teen years • No matter what her sexual orientation, your daughter will likely have strong friendships with boys through her teen years. Some of those friendships can but not always become sexual, but that doesn’t take away the depth of the friendship