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AIM: How do we effectively revise and conclude our college essay?

AIM: How do we effectively revise and conclude our college essay?. Do Now: Take out class notes Homework: DUE FRIDAY: Revised essay and conclusion PEER REVIEW IN CLASS ON FRIDAY! DUE MONDAY: Turn in to me in folder: All drafts Peer Review New typed draft, MLA format

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AIM: How do we effectively revise and conclude our college essay?

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  1. AIM: How do we effectively revise and conclude our college essay? • Do Now: • Take out class notes • Homework: • DUE FRIDAY: Revised essay and conclusion • PEER REVIEW IN CLASS ON FRIDAY! • DUE MONDAY: Turn in to me in folder: • All drafts • Peer Review • New typed draft, MLA format • see flushinghighschool.org for Peer Review worksheet and MLA instructions • Minimum 500 words • Agenda • Tips on revision • Reflection Thursday 26 September 2013

  2. Avoid wordiness and repetition from College Essay Style Tips by Allen Grove, About.com Guide

  3. "Theater did not come naturally to me, and I felt remarkably self-conscious and nervous the first few times I set foot on stage in the eighth grade. My best friend had talked me into auditioning for Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet."

  4. Avoid vague and imprecise language

  5. "Not only do I find basketball fun, but the sport has helped me develop my leadership and communication skills, as well as my ability to work with a team. As a result, my love of basketball will make me a better business major."

  6. Avoid clichés

  7. "Throughout high school, I have tried to emulate my brother. He takes his responsibilities seriously, yet he is generous when dealing with the shortcomings of others. This combination of reliability and graciousness makes others turn to him for leadership. My own successes in high school are due largely to my brother's example."

  8. Avoid the overuse of “I”

  9. "Soccer has been a part of my life for longer than I can remember. Literally. My parents have photos of me crawling around as a baby pushing a ball with my head. My later childhood was all about soccer -- the community league at age four, and participation in regional tournaments by ten."

  10. Avoid digressions

  11. Although it wasn't academically challenging, I learned a lot from my job at Burger King because I was forced to negotiate some difficult personalities."

  12. Avoid overusing flowery language

  13. "The game was close. I won't receive credit for our win, but I did pass the ball to my teammate who scored the winning goal. He received the praise for kicking the ball into the narrow space between the goalie's hands and the upper corner of the goal post, but the victory was really about a team, not an individual."

  14. Avoid weak verbs

  15. "More than anyone else, my brother deserves credit for my achievements in high school. I can trace my successes in academics and music back to my brother's subtle influence."

  16. Avoid too much passive voice

  17. "As the opposing team approached the goal, a striker kicked the ball towards the upper right corner. If I didn't block it, my team would lose the regional championship."

  18. Avoid too many expletive constructions

  19. "My parents made a simple rule that got me interested in the trumpet: no television or computer time until I had practiced for half an hour. This rule often angered me, but when I look back I know my parents knew best. Today I'll always pick up my trumpet before the television remote."

  20. Conclusion: DOs and DON’Ts You should not feel obligated to tie everything up into a neat bow. The essay can conclude with some ambiguity, if appropriate, as long as it offers insights. Dos • Expand upon the broader implications of your discussion. This could include the following strategies: • Consider linking your conclusion to your introduction to establish a sense of balance by reiterating introductory phrases. • Redefine a term used previously in your body paragraphs. • Frame your discussion within a larger context or show that your topic has widespread appeal. • Tie the conclusion back to your introduction. A nice conclusion makes use of the creativity you used in your introduction. If you used an anecdote in your intro, use the conclusion to finish telling that story • Try to end on a positive note. You may want to restate your goals in terms of how they will be fulfilled at the institution to which you are applying.

  21. DON'Ts • Summarize. Since the essay is rather short to begin with, the reader should not need to be reminded of what you wrote 300 words beforehand. You do not need to wrap up your essay in a nice little package. It should be an ending, not a summary. • Use stock phrases. Phrases such as, "in conclusion," "in summary," "to conclude," belong only in dry, scientific writing. Don't use them. • Try to Explain the Unexplainable. Your essay need not be so tidy that you can answer why people die or why starvation exists, but it should forge some attempt at closure.

  22. Titles • A good title should grab your reader's attention. • A title should make your reader want to read your essay. • The title should provide a sense of what your essay is about. • Ask friends!

  23. Title mistakes • Vague language • Broad, overly general language • Overblown vocabulary • Strained cleverness • Clichés • Misspellings

  24. Sample titles • Porkopolis • Buck Up • Eating Eyeballs • The Job I Should Have Quit • Wallflower

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