What Kind of Employee Are You?

1. What Kind of Employee Are You? A choose-your-own-adventure game created by Patrick Callaghan If you click in blank space, it will take you to the next slide. To avoid this, please only click on the text box that you desire. Click to begin.

2. The Interview Finally! After four years of rigorous college life you have the opportunity to begin paying off your loans. What will you wear to impress your future (hopefully) employer? I’m not really tryna be uncomfortable or anything like that, ya feel me? Prolly just sweatpants and a hoodie. A button up shirt with a pen in my shirt pocket that reads “I LUV WORK!” to show my passion. I’m going to be wearing a suit and tie for sure, but unlike everybody else I’ve already planned a speech: “My weaknesses are that I work too hard, I care too much, and sometime I can be too invested in my job.” Do you get it? Because like, my weaknesses are actually strengths!

3. The First Week Congratulations! You are officially an employed adult. Unfortunately, in just the first week you realize that your boss is no more qualified to run this company than you are. His new project is presented to the company and you are sure it will fail. How do you handle this? I will stand by the boss no matter what. I was taught to not ask questions unless I wanted to end up asking my father to stop hitting me. I’m not afraid to speak up. The boss will, or at least should, appreciate my input. That is assuming that he has a brain. I honestly won’t be paying attention. I’ll just ask the person in the cubicle next to me what I’m supposed to be doing and do that or whatever.

4. Boss’s Birthday You’re loyal, I’m sure the boss will appreciate that. Now is your chance to really tickle his fancy….or continue to blend in with your peers. The boss’s birthday is tomorrow, but unfortunately so is that project that you totally have started and have been working super hard on. What will you do? We have all of our lives to work like mindless zombies. One day of celebration won’t destroy the company. I’ll bake some goods for tomorrow! I’ll have my work ready. I assume someone else will plan some sort of celebration. Probably a girl, because that’s what girls do. Birthday party? Drinks on me, bro.

5. New Friends You’re still here, awesome! But you are getting kind of lonely. Everybody at the office is still referring to you as “I forget their name, uhm…the new person, you know?” It’s definitely time to make some friends, how will you go about this? I’ll just casually join a table at lunch and pray that they won’t all stand up at once and leave. High school was rough. I learned in high school that the best way to make friends is to make fun of ugly people behind their back. No new friends, no new friends.

6. Lunch Time Just when you thought you had our morning routine down pat, this happens. You forgot your lunch and you don’t have enough cash to go out somewhere. What do you do? Easy, I’ve seen this work even at the most unforgiving of lunch environments: I mosey on up to a table, sigh, and announce that I don’t have a lunch. Boom, next think you know, I will be handed scraps from everyone that will accumulate into a lunch bigger than anyone else’s! Well, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a huge deal if I just maybe ate someone else’s lunch just this ONCE, right? I mean, everyone in my spot would do that. Everybody got up and left when I sat down and I forgot my lunch? This is even worst than high school.

7. No Love So far it seems that you have been doing everything right. And yet, that suck-up that keeps baking everyone cakes keeps winning employee of the month. You deserve some respect! How do you handle this? I’ll just keep my head down and continue to do my work each day. I’m here to support my family, not win awards. It’s just a matter of time before I start making some noise around here. I’ve got a feeling the boss and I are going to become very close very soon. Interpret that in whatever way you want.

8. The Unemployed • You can continue to be comfortable in your mother’s basement. At least you’ll save a fortune on rent. Try again? Click here.

9. The Know-it-all • Everybody thought you were annoying in grade school and no surprise here, you’re still annoying. And you don’t have a job anymore. Try again? Click here.

10. The Mom • The boss was so overjoyed with the cakes he didn’t even seem to realize the potential loss your nonexistent project could bring. Your co-workers are beginning to ask questions such as “How is that okay?” “Doesn’t she realize I’m a diabetic?” and “Will she bake me a cake for my birthday or will I buy it myself and cry into it like last year?” At least the boss likes you. Try again? Click here.

11. The Gossiper • Old habits die hard with you. One caveat I will give you is to not use your work e-mail next time you feel you should express that you think the boss kept the whole birthday cake to himself because he “can’t get any cake outside the office lol.” You’re fired. Try again? Click here.

12. That Guy • Ah you, you’re awful. You will receive your just dessert in due time, however, seeing how people are starting to catch on and there may or may not be arsenic in the Tupperware container that reads “DO NOT EAT. MINE!” Of course, you’ll probably never find out since you would never do that again.” Try again? Click here.

13. The Workhorse • You do all the right things, despite not getting the recognition you deserve earning respect from those who notice. You keep this place running as well as it does. Try again? Click here.

14. The Boss’s Pet • Your obvious fake laughs and desperately forced inside jokes with the boss have turned the office against you. That may have just earned you dirty looks during school, but this is the real world with real consequences. I might as well stop beating around the bush, you are going to be murdered. Like real soon. R.I.P. Try again? Click here.

15. First Week Congratulations! You are officially an employed adult. Unfortunately, in just the first week you realize that your boss is no more qualified to run this company than you are. His new project is presented to the company and you are sure it will fail. How do you handle this? I’m not afraid to speak up. The boss will, or at least should, appreciate my input. That is assuming that he has a brain. I can’t just call him out on it. You don’t call retarded people retards, that’s bad taste. You call your friends retarded when they’re acting retarded.

16. Boss’s Birthday You’re loyal, I’m sure the boss will appreciate that. Now is your chance to really tickle his fancy….or continue to blend in with your peers. The boss’s birthday is tomorrow, but unfortunately so is that project that you totally have started and have been working super hard on. What will you do? We have all of our lives to work like mindless zombies. One day of celebration won’t destroy the company. I’ll bake some goods for tomorrow! Everybody seemed to “forget” when it was my birthday, so I’m going to “forget” to buy him donuts or whatever.

17. New Friends You’re still here, awesome! But you are getting kind of lonely. Everybody at the office is still referring to you as “I forget their name, uhm…the new person, you know?” It’s definitely time to make some friends, how will you go about this? Make friends first, make sales second, make love third. In no particular order. I learned in high school that the best way to make friends is to make fun of ugly people behind their back.

18. Lunch Time Just when you thought you had our morning routine down pat, this happens. You forgot your lunch and you don’t have enough cash to go out somewhere. What do you do? I would ask around and scrape up what others don’t want. If all goes well, I’ll host a pancake luncheon for everyone at the office! Well, I’m sure it wouldn’t be a huge deal if I just maybe ate someone else’s lunch just this ONCE, right? I mean, everyone in my spot would do that.

19. No Love So far it seems that you have been doing everything right. And yet, that suck-up that keeps baking everyone cakes keeps winning employee of the month. You deserve some respect! How do you handle this? Forget my boss. “Boss” now-a-days is just slang for “jerk in charge”. Remember when people used to say “boss” when they were describing something really cool? Like, “those shoulder pads are really boss, man!” I’m the boss. It’s just a matter of time before I start making some noise around here. I’ve got a feeling the boss and I are going to become very close very soon. Interpret that in whatever way you want. I’ll just keep my head down and continue to do my work each day. I’m here to support my family, not win awards.

20. Michael Scott Try again? Click here.