The rockin rules of the eleventh district court
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The Rockin’ Rules of the Eleventh District Court. By Judge Mark Davidson. 1. The Jagger Doctrine of Discovery. “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.”. Here is what Mick is telling us:.

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The Rockin’ Rules of the Eleventh District Court

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The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

The Rockin’Rules of the Eleventh District Court

By Judge Mark Davidson


1 the jagger doctrine of discovery

1. The Jagger Doctrine of Discovery

  • “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.”


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

Here is what Mick is telling us:

  • Any discovery request that asks for more than what you need will be presumed to be asked solely for purposes of harassment.

  • Don’t ask for the sun, the moon and the stars, when all you need is the moon and a few stars.

  • Discovery requests that begin with “Any and all documents that…” are viewed with suspicion.


2 henley s imperative of advocatorial candor

2. Henley’s Imperative of Advocatorial Candor

  • You just can’t hide behind those lyin’ eyes.

    The Eagles.


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

If you break this rule even once, you will end up asking every judge the question first sung by the King of Rock and Roll…

Why can’t you see…

What you’re doing to me….

When you don’t believe a word I say?

Elvis Presley – Suspicious Minds


3 charles advice to prevaricators and the careless

3. Charles’ Advice to Prevaricators and the Careless

  • If you are consistently “careless” in your statements to judges, move out of the county.

  • If you get caught lying to a judge, change professions.

Hit the road, Jack, and don’t you come back no more…


4 the temptations advisory against unnecessary recusals

4. The Temptations’ Advisory against unnecessary recusals

  • “I know you want to leave me, but I refuse to let you go.”


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

  • Holly’s ruling on recusals -

“That’ll be the day, when you say goodbye!”

  • Sonny and Cher's refrain

“I got you babe.”


5 carpenter s rule on post defeat behavior

5. Carpenter’s rule on post-defeat behavior

  • “Sometimes you’re the windshield, sometimes you’re the bug.”

    Mary Chapin Carpenter

If you lack the patience to wait your turn to be a windshield, remember:


Cougar s post hearing philosophy

Cougar’s Post-hearing Philosophy

Hey, Life Goes On…

  • No case is worth more than a momentary temper tantrum.

  • Handling a loss well can help your reputation.


6 poison s rule of post victory behavior

6. Poison’s Rule of Post-Victory Behavior

Every rose has its thorn.


The thorns of victory

The Thorns of Victory

  • You have to prepare an order reflecting the victory you just won.

  • You have to get the judge to sign it.

  • You can’t run back to your office, prepare an order, and then messenger the order to me. I will not sign it.

  • Don’t trash talk to your defeated adversary. This isn’t the NBA!


7 everly brothers imperative of punctuality

7. Everly Brothers Imperative of Punctuality

Wake up, Little Susie! Wake up!

Ignoring this rule will force me to ask:


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

7a. Chicago’s Interrogatory Concerning Punctuality

Does anybody know what time it is?

Does anybody really care?


8 dire straits imperative of case economy

8. Dire Straits’ Imperative of Case Economy

  • Don’t take unneeded depositions.

  • Endless paper discovery wars are pointless.

  • Don’t bill time just to make partner.


They get you money for nothing and checks for free

They get you “money for nothing and checks for free”

  • The middle class has been priced out of the litigation system.

  • The system of justice is becoming increasingly irrelevant to most citizens.

  • The juror turnout rate is down to 21%!!!!


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

9. Brooks’s Alternative to Precipitous Advocacy

NEVER ask for something you are not absolutely, positively certain that you really want!

Following this rule will result in you thanking:


The god of unanswered prayers

The God of Unanswered Prayers

“Just because he doesn’t answer, doesn’t mean that he’s not listening.”

Garth Brooks


10 newton john s queries on behavior during hearings

10. Newton-John’s Queries on Behavior During Hearings

Have you never been mellow?

Have you ever tried to find

a comfort from inside you?

  • No matter how much you may disagree with your adversary, grunts, groans, rolling eyes and chuckles are not an effective advocacy tool!

  • Bringing lawyers to a hearing whose sole job is to nod while you are speaking is a waste of their time and your client’s money.


11 coasters admonition on judicial ruling acceptance

11. Coasters’ Admonition on Judicial Ruling Acceptance

Yakkity Yak. Yakkity Yak. Don’t talk back!


12 wynette s inquiry concerning frivolous motions for rehearing

12. Wynette’s Inquiry Concerning Frivolous Motions for Rehearing.

“What part of NO is it that you don’t understand?”


13 the beatles s warning against appellate incompetence

13. The Beatles’s Warning Against Appellate Incompetence.

Don’t let me down!


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

14. No Doubt’s Warning Against Excessive Advocacy.

Don’t speak.

I know just what you’re saying.

I know just what you’re thinking.

Don’t tell me ‘cause it hurts. (you)


15 rogers s rule on pre victory behavior

15. Rogers’s Rule on Pre-victory Behavior.

  • Know when to hold ‘em.

  • Know when to fold ‘em.

  • Know when to walk away.

  • Know when to run.

OR

Put another way…


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

When the Judge is about to rule for you,

nothing you say can possibly help!


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

16. Wilson’s rule of Courthouse Staff Relations.

Help me Rhonda!

Treat the Court’s staff with the respect that, as professionals, they deserve. If you do, they will help you when you need help.

If you are inclined to do otherwise, please consider:


A few things about the court s staff you are really dense if you haven t figured out

A few things about the court’s staff you are really dense if you haven’t figured out:

  • The clerks can look for (or not find the time to find) your response to your adversary’s motion for summary judgment.

  • The court reporter can honestly make you look like a blithering idiot on the appellate record.

  • The bailiff has contact with your jury throughout the trial.


17 orbison s law of court administration

17. Orbison’s Law of Court Administration

  • Judges, Clerks and Coordinators are public servants

  • We are here to help, within the law.

Anything you want, you got it,

Anything you need, you got it,

Anything at all, you got it….

Roy Orbison – You got it


18 milli vanilli s responsibility avoidance technique

18. Milli Vanilli’s Responsibility Avoidance Technique

Blame it on the rain.

Blame it on the stars.

Whatever you do,

Don’t put the blame on you!


19 fuller four s warning against overly inventive pleadings

19. Fuller Four’s Warning Against Overly Inventive Pleadings.

I fought the law…

And the law won.


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

Following this rule will help you avoid :

19a. THE LOVIN’ SPOONFUL’S DILEMMA ON ELECTION OF REMEDIES

Did you ever have to make up your mind?

Pick up on one and leave the other behind.

It’s not often easy, and not often kind.

Did you ever have to make up your mind?


20 police s warning on juries observations

20. Police’s Warning on Juries’ Observations

Every breath you take

Every move you make

Every bond you break

Every step you take

I’ll be watching you.

Sting and the Police

Every Breath you Take


Jurors watch everything

JURORS WATCH EVERYTHING

  • Unlike the appellate record, juries record how you and your clients behave at all times. Non-verbal actions matter.

  • Lavish shows of wealth (i.e., catered lunches, limousine service, seventeen lawyers on one side) have an effect on them.

  • They expect you to share the same sacrifices of a trial they are experiencing.

  • All of your behavior, in and out of the courtroom, affects how they view you and your client.


21 zz top s advisory on courthouse dress

21. ZZ Top’s Advisory on Courthouse Dress

Every Jury’s Crazy about a sharp dressed lawyer.


22 neville s requirement of responsive answers

22. Neville’s Requirement of Responsive Answers

Tell it like it is…

I’m not someone to play with.


23 franklin s doctrine of jury relations

23. Franklin’s Doctrine of Jury Relations

R E S P E C T


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

Here’s what Aretha and every jury is telling you:

What you want, Baby I’ve got it.

What you need, Baby I have it.

All I’m asking for is a little respect from you.

PUT ANOTHER WAY:


Don t insult a jury s collective intelligence

Don’t insult a jury’s collective intelligence!

  • Repeating things twice is at least one time too many.

  • Lengthy individual voir dire of every member of a jury panel wastes the time of everyone you aren’t talking to.

  • Try to minimize the inconvenience of jury duty.

  • They are citizens doing their civic duty, and are not chattel!


24 the foundations query on promises to jurors

24. The Foundations’ Query on Promises to Jurors

Why do you build me up (Buttercup Baby)

Just to let me down?

  • When you tell a jury that a case is going to last three days, make sure they are in the jury room on the afternoon of the third day.

  • Don’t tell them you will prove something that you aren’t sure you can (or that the judge won’t let you try).

  • Ignore this rule only if your personal credibility with a jury is not important to you.


25 crosby s alternative to forum shopping

25. Crosby’s Alternative to Forum Shopping

If you can’t be with the judge you love…

Love the one you’re with.


26 marley s rule of professionalism

26. Marley’s Rule of Professionalism

What goes around comes around.


26a santa ana s payback rule

26a. Santa Ana’s Payback Rule

  • Deguello

  • No Quarter Asked, No Quarter Given


27 simon s rule of emergency bench bar relations

27. Simon’s Rule of Emergency Bench-Bar Relations

When you’re down and out. Feeling small. When tears get in your eyes, I will dry them all.

Simon &Garfunkel

Bridge Over Troubled Waters


28 hall oates s ruling on excessive attorney s fees

28. Hall & Oates’s Ruling on Excessive Attorney’s Fees

Ready. Willing. Overtime. Where does it stop, where do you dare me to draw the line?

Well, I can’t go for that! (no can do)


29 gaye s rationale on post trial silence

29. Gaye’s Rationale on Post-trial Silence.

  • Judges read the Blue Sheets. Telling its reporter about all the bad rulings the judge made doesn’t help your post-trial motion practice.

  • The staff reports everything you or your staff tells them about the judge.

  • When you bad-mouth a judge to other lawyers, it will almost always get back.

I heard it through the grapevine…


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

…and someday, you’re going to be mine….

…and you’re just about to lose your case….


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

There is more wisdom to be found in the songs of Marvin Gaye. If you say real ugly things about me to the newspaper (questioning my integrity, for example), and make my mother cry, when you next have a case, expect me to say….

Let’s get it on!


30 benatar s command for effective advocacy

30. Benatar’s Command for Effective Advocacy

Hit me with your best shot!

FireAway!


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

31. The Outsiders’s Ruling on the Length of Voir Dire

I can’t wait forever, even though you want me to.

I can’t wait forever, just to know if you’ll be true.

Time won’t let me, oh no.

Time won’t let me wait that long.


If you think you can really win a case with a great voir dire and very little evidence

If you think you can really win a case with a great voir dire and very little evidence…

You have forgotten the lesson taught to us by the Mamas and the Papas:


32 phillips s lament on factual insufficiency

No matter how good your voir dire is, you still have to have evidence!

Most juries forget the voir dire by the time they deliberate.

Promises to prove something made in voir dire notkept kill your case.

32. Phillips’s Lament on Factual Insufficiency

Monday mornin’, so good to me

Monday mornin’, it was all I hoped it would be

Oh Monday Mornin’, Monday Mornin’ couldn’t guarantee,

That Monday evening you would still be here with me.


A few obvious facts about voir dire

A few obvious facts about voir dire:

  • Every judge will give you the time youneedto voir dire the jury panel.

  • Excessive voir dire alienates the jury panel from you and the judge.

  • Jury questionnaires are vital in some cases, and a waste of time on others.

  • Don’t confuse voir dire with opening argument.


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

33. Manchester’s Anti-lacrimony advisory

Don’t cry out loud.


34 bachman turner overdrive s grievance avoidance technique

34. Bachman Turner Overdrive’s Grievance Avoidance Technique

Takin’ care of business, everyday

Takin’ care of business, in every way….


35 zevon s alternative to takin care of business

35. Zevon’s Alternative to Takin’ Care of Business

  • I took a little risk. Send lawyers, guns and money. Dad, get me out of this.

  • I'm the innocent bystander, But somehow I got stuck. Between a rock and a hard place And I'm down on my luck.

  • Now I'm hiding in Honduras. I'm a desperate man. Send lawyers, guns and money. The #$%@ has hit the fan .

Warren Zevon - Lawyers, Guns and Money


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

36. Blondie’s Sanctions Avoidance Technique

CALL ME!


37 blondie s response to busy lawyers avoiding trial

37. Blondie’s Response to “Busy” Lawyers Avoiding Trial.

  • It’s not your choice which case goes to trial, it’s the judges’.

  • Trials always trump hearings.

  • Judges’ coordinators always call each other if you claim to be in another court.

One way or another, I’m gonna find ya’. I’m gonna get ya’, get ya, get ya, get ya….


38 the fixx s advisory on translator questions

38. The Fixx’s Advisory on Translator Questions

One thing leads to another

You told me something wrong, I know I listen too long,

But then one thing leads to another.

  • Translators can’t remember long questions.

  • Eliminate parenthetical phrases.

  • Ask the judge for some leniency on leading questions.


39 womack s defense of the judicial system

39. Womack’s Defense of the Judicial System

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance

Never settle for the path of least resistance

And when you get the chance to sit it out or dance

I hope you dance.

-Lee Ann Womack

I hope you dance


Don t be bullied into unjustly settling a case

Don’t be bullied into unjustly settling a case!

  • Don’t let judges or coordinators bully you into selling your client down the river. Try your case.

  • Many mediators see it as their job to settle a case “whatever it takes” – your job is different. Try your case.

  • If you are afraid to try cases, change jobs.

  • Our system of justice is under attack! Defend it.

Dance!


The rockin rules of the eleventh district court

40. Burdon’s Judicial Plea for Forgiveness

I’m just a soul whose intentions are good.

Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood

Eric Burdon and the Animals


Forgive us when we err

Forgive us when we err.

  • We have bad days too!

  • We often will base rulings on justice more than law, or law more than justice. Invariably, most lawyers want one more than the other.

  • We are under constant pressure to rule NOW.

  • Personal, professional and political pressures sometimes lead to distractions or temper tantrums.


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