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Quotes. "Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery. It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld.

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Quotes

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction." --- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

It is with true love as it is with ghosts; everyone talks about it, but few have seen it. --- La Rochefoucauld

"When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition continuously until death do them part.“ --- George Bernard Shaw


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Thought Frequency As Pie Charts

The relationship

The relationship

Men

Women

Sports

Sex

Sex

Pets

Men thrashing

Going bald

Food

Things we shouldn’t have eaten

Aging

Career

Having to pee

Strange ear & nose hair growth

Aging


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Alvy's Voice Over: I thought of that old joke, you know, this guy goes to a psychiatrist and says, “Doc, my brother's crazy. He thinks he's a chicken." And, the doctor says, "why don't you turn him in?" And the guy says, “I would, but I need the eggs." Well, I guess that's pretty much how I feel about relationships. You know, they're totally irrational and crazy and absurd and...But, I guess we keep going through it because, uh, most of us need the eggs.

--- ANNIE HALL


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Cecilia: i just met a wonderful new man. Sure, he's fictional but you can't have everything. ---The Purple Rose of Cairo

Ike: Well, I'm old-fashioned. I don't believe in extramarital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics. --- Manhattan

Cliff: Wendy and I finally decided to call it quits, you know, and even though the last couple of years have been terrible, this kind of thing makes me feel sad, you know, I don't know why.

Babs: But you know what you told me? You told me it's been platonic for a year. And I say, once the sex goes, it all goes.

---Crimes and Misdemeanors


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Arthur: I had dropped out of law school when i met eve. She was very beautiful. Very pale and cool in her black dress...With never anything more than a single strand of pearls. And distant. Always poised and distant.

By the time the girls were born ... It was all so perfect, so ordered. Looking back, of course, it was rigid. The truth is. .. She'd created a world around us that we existed in where everything had its place, where there was always a kind of harmony. Oh, great dignity. I will say ... It was like an ice palace.

Then suddenly, one day, out of nowhere ... An enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet. And I was staring into a face I didn't recognize.

---Interiors


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Early Attraction Factors

  • Proximity and attraction (Propinquity Effect)

  • (The more you see and interact with people, the more likely you’ll become friends with them)

  • Role of physical distance and functional distance (e.g., common paths, web)

Related to the “Mere Exposure Effect” (the more you are exposed to a stimulus, the more you will like it)


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Results of Schachter’s “Dr. Zilstein study”

Nonanxious subjects

Anxious subjects

Schachter (1959) manipulated the anxiety levels of female subjects by having them anticipate either painful or innocuous shock. The dependent variable was subjects’ choice to wait withothersor to wait alone.

20

18

16

14

12

10

8

6

4

2

20

18

16

14

12

10

8

6

4

2

# of Subjects

The results indicated that anxious subjects chose to wait with othersmore than non-anxious subjects.

Also, a follow-up study found that anxious people preferred to wait with other anxious peoplerather than those who were not anxious

Choose to wait alone

Choose to wait

with others


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Attitude similarity and attraction

Attraction towardother person (range = 2-14)

Byrne and Nelson (1965) asked to rate how much they liked a stranger after learning he agreed with varying proportions of their attitudes expressed on a questionnaire. (Higher numbers indication greater liking.)

13.00

12.00

11.00

10.00

9.00

8.00

7.00

6.00

As the graph shows, the greater the proportion of attitudes subjects shared with the stranger, the more subjects liked him

.00 .20 .40 .60 .80 1.00

Proportion of similar attitudes held by other person


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Why such a powerful effect of similarity?

A) Cognitive Consistency

(We like ourselves, therefore we like those who are like us)

B) Social Comparison (validation of one's beliefs)

C) Anticipate/Predict other's behavior (e.G., Likes/dislikes,

interests)

D) They will like us also (reciprocal)


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Application of Similarity Theory

Key Dimensions Used by eHarmony

[http://www.eharmony.com/singles/servlet/about/dimensions]

Stated goal: “eHarmony … creates compatible matches based on 29 dimensions scientifically proven to predict happier, healthier relationships”

Core Traits ---

Social Style (Character, Kindness, Dominance, Sociability, Autonomy, Adaptability): How do you relate to other people? Do you crave company, or prefer to be alone? Are you more comfortable leading, or do you prefer to go along with the group?

Cognitive Mode (Intellect, Curiosity, Humor, Artistic Passion) How do you think about the world around you? Are you motivated by an insatiable curiosity about the world and events around you? Are you constantly looking for intellectual challenges? Do you find humor to be your favorite coping strategy when dealing with the world?

Physicality (Energy – Physical, Passion – Sexual, Vitality & Security, Industry, Appearance). How do you relate physically with the world? How do you relate physically with yourself? Are you energetic, athletic and constantly in motion? Or are you more comfortable and happy walking than running?


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Application of Similarity Theory (cont.)

From eHarmony

Relationship Skills (Communication Style, Emotion Management – Anger, Emotion Management – Mood, Conflict Resolution) The amount of effort and skill that you devote to making a relationship work are key elements of who you are, and what type of person you are most likely to succeed with in a relationship

Values and Beliefs (Spirituality, Family Goals, Traditionalism, Ambition, Altruism). Values and Beliefs are at the center of most of our life experiences. How we feel about spirituality, religion, family and even politics for a enormous part of how we think about the world, and who we are going to be most comfortable sharing our lives with.

Key Experiences (Family Background, Family Status, Education) All of your life experiences combine to affect who you are and how you relate to the world. Although many of the effects of these experiences are represented by the other Core Traits and Learned Attributes, the following components of the 29 Dimensions are considered separately as part of your Key Experiences in your compatibility profile


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Repulsion Hypothesis

Basic premise: Differences are disliked; perceived as threatening

  • “Lab” studies Avg. attraction score

  • Similar attitudes 5.5

  • No information regarding attitudes 5.2

  • Dissimilar attitudes 2.1 (less attraction)

No difference

Iowa Caucus Study (Democratic)

Description of person

Democrat

No difference

No party affiliation

Republican

Disliked


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D S S D S

D S S D D

D D D S S D

D D S D D D

S D D S D

Reject those who are dissimilar

S S S S

S S S

S

End result is that we are left with similar people to interact with


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The motivational value of dissimilarity is various other theories in social psychology:

  • Balance Theory Imbalance is motivating

  • Congruity Theory Incongruity is motivating

  • Dissonance Theory Dissonance is motivating

  • Equity Theory Inequityis motivating

Naturally discovering similarity/dissimilarity (rather than being given other’s attitudes is quite different

Active search process


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The “Bridge” Study

Misattribution of Emotional Arousal

  • Tilted, swayed (6 ft.), wobbled

  • Low handrails (3 feet)

  • 230 foot drop to rocks and rapids



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Misattribution of Emotional Arousal (cont.)

Measures: 1) TAT (men wrote stories) scored for sexual content

2) % of men who called female back

Higher TAT sexual content scores scores and greater percent called back when on the dangerous bridge

Why??? --- Arousal (anxiety) misattributed as partly due to sexual attraction


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  • Eating Lightly and Self-Presentation

  • Basic Premise: People are motivated to behave in ways to enhance their image

  • Females have greater number of eating disorders and dieting than males (emphasis on thin as attractive)

“Undesirable” Male

Equal intake of candy by males and females

“Desirable” Male

  • Females ate significantly less food when interacting with a desirable male


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Amount of attitude conformity

Self-Presentation Through Ingratiation

5

4

3

2

1

0

3.7

0

Undesirable man

Desirable man


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Conversation Style and Relationship Type

Intimate Friend (versus Casual Friend)

Voice Quality

Trait Ratings

Feminine

Babylike

High pitch

Relaxed

Pleasant

Submissive

Scatterbrained

Approachable

Sincere

  • Much better than chance identification of who was being spoken to, a casual versus intimate friend.

  • No difference in what was said (transcript analysis). Focus on how things were said, paralinguistic cues.


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Physical Attractiveness

  • Advantages:

  • Greater overall liking (best predictor of desire to date)

  • More desirable character traits (e.g., sensitive, warm, intelligent)

  • Higher income

  • Higher evaluation of work performance

  • More lenient treatment in the legal system

  • Better mental health

  • Matching

Often different in physical attraction

Short

Length of relationship

Couple is equal in physical attraction

Long


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Romantically linked

Impression of man

Strangers

7.5

7.0

6.5

6.0

5.5

5.0

7.1

6.1

5.9

5.5

Low

High

Female’s attractiveness


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Attractiveness as a Business

  • In 2002, 6.9 million spent on cosmetic surgical and non-surgical procedures in the U.S. --- a 22% increase from 1997 (American Society for Plastic Surgery, 2003)

  • Most common procedure (Botox injections) was performed 1.6 million times in 2002

  • Across the world, the cosmetic industry makes 20 billion/year

  • Nearly 1 million adults wear braces (mostly to improves smiles)

  • 35 billion is spent on weight loss programs, diet foods, and health club membership per year in the U.S.


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Misattributions of Friendly Behavior

Routine Conversation

Female

Viewed female as promiscuous; were attracted to the female; saw themselves as flirtatious and seductive

Male

Female

Observers

Viewed males as behaving in a sexual manner; females as promiscuous

Male

Sexual

lens

Interaction


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Communication/

consolidation

Relationship

continues

The life cycle of a relationship

Buildup

Deterioration

and decline

Attraction

Ending

Important variables influencing attraction

Triggering factors: Proximity, Similarity, Erotic love etc…

Social-exchange and equity: Communication, Self-disclosure, Communal concern, External supports

Social-exchange and equity/inequity: Relative attractiveness of alternatives, Barriers to dissolution

Low: Relationship in stable state

High: Upset of deterioration and trauma of disruption

High: Heady feeling of romantic love

Emotion


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Social Equity Theory

Loss of freedom, $, time, etc.

  • Costs (Inputs)

  • Benefits (Outputs)

Companionship, sexual fulfillment, etc.

  • Comparison Level (e.g., a standard)

Other person in a relationship, yourself in the past, an ideal

  • Comparison Level for Alternatives

Evaluation of the value of other partners


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Gender and the Personal Columns

Males

Females

Offer

Seek

Offer

Seek

Money

Job information

Personality traits (e.g., sincerity)

Money

Status

Career

Young

Physically attractive

Physical attractiveness


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Relationship Breakups

U.S. totals for the number of divorces is an estimate which includes states not reporting (California, Colorado, Indiana, and Louisiana).

Source: U.S. Census Bureau, Statistical Abstract of the United States: 2006.

  • Who identifies more problems?

  • Who initiates most breakups?

  • When are the partners most likely to remain friends, when the male of female initiates the breakup?


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Relationship Attributions (cont.)

Key role of wife’s attributions: 1) negative attribution for spouse behavior, 2) negative behavior toward spouse, 3) her behavior impacts her assessment of relationship satisfaction, 4) husband’s behavior affected by wife’s behavior

Wives’s attributions may be the barometers of marital satisfaction. Their attributions may influence their marital satisfaction across time, whereas husbands’ attributions only reflect their marital satisfaction

Expectations

Attributions

Relationship Satisfaction


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Liking

Love

Separate constructs or along a continuum?

Liking

Loving


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Sample Liking Scale Items

When I am with _____, we are almost always in the same mood.

I think that _____ is unusually well-adjusted.

I would highly recommend _____ for a responsible job.

In my opinion, _____ is an exceptionally mature person.

I have great confidence in _____’s good judgment.

I think that _____ is someone one of those people who quickly win your respect.

_____ is one of the most likeable people I know.

_____ is the sort of person whom I myself would like to be.

I would vote for _____ in a class or group election.


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Sample Love Scale Items

I would do anything for _____.

I feel responsible for _____’s well being.

I feel very possessive toward _____.

If I could never be with _____, I would feel miserable.

If I were lonely, my first thought would be to seek _____ out.

I would forgive _____ for practically anything.

In would greatly enjoy being confided in by _____.

When I am with _____, I spend a good deal of my time just looking at him/her.

I would be hard for me to get along without _____.


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Liking & Loving for Dating Partners and Same-Sex Friends

IndexWomenMen

Love for Partner 89.5 89.3

Liking for Partner 88.784.6

Love for Friend 65.355.1

Liking for Friend 80.5 79.1


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Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches

  • Individual subjective reactions to cues in an interaction

  • Active search/detection process for cues

Relationships

  • Timing and sequencing of cues (e.g., baking a cake example)


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Interpersonal Relationship --- Newer Approaches (cont.)

  • Future possibilities

  • Strategies

Thoughts about interpersonal interactions

Evaluation of interaction as good, average, poor

  • Who is told? When they are told?

  • What is said? Why they are told?

Narratives/stories about relationships

  • Difference in perceptions; memory for facts


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Marriage, Health and Longevity

Health & Longevity

Happily married

High

Unhappily married

Unmarried

Low

Men

Women


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Gender Differences in Mate Preferences

Men

% Monet spent

% Monet spent

Women

40

30

20

10

0

40

30

20

10

0

High Budget

Low Budget

Physical attractiveness

Social status

Physical attractiveness

Social status


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Gender Differences in Sexual Behavior

% “yes”

Females

100

90

80

70

60

50

40

30

20

10

0

Males

0

Go to apartment

Sexual invitation

Go on a date


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No man or woman really knows what love is until they have been married a quarter of a century.” --- Mark Twain

Love marriages

Arranged marriages

90

80

70

60

50

40

0-1

1-2

2-5

5-10

10+

Years of marriage


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Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love

Intimacy

Liking

Consummate

Companionate

Romantic

(Intimacy & Commitment)

(Intimacy & Passion)

Passion

Fatuous

Commitment

(Passion & Commitment)

Infatuate

Empty


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Sample Question Based on Sternberg’s Triangular Love Theory

˜ Intimacy Component ˜

I am actively supportive of _____'s wellbeing.____

I have a warm relationship with _____.

I am able to count on _____ in times of need.

˜ Passion Component ˜

Just seeing ________ excites me.

I find myself thinking about _____ frequently during the day.____

My relationship with ___________ is very romantic.

˜ Commitment Component ˜

I know that I care about _____.

I am committed to maintaining my relationship with _____.

Because of my commitment to ________, I would not let other people come between us.


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Sternberg’s 8 Components of Love


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  • Sternberg’s Love Story Approach*

  • [Based on past experience and personality]

  • Business Story --- 2 partners in a business endeavor, power issues

  • Collector Story --- Impossible for any one individual to fill all

  • one’s love needs; find combination of other people to meet all

  • needs

  • Fairytale Story --- Idealized story, unrealistic (e.g., prince and

  • princess)

  • War Story --- Love as war, combatants, winner and loser

  • * Approximately 24 different love stories are included in the model


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Sample Items --- Adult Attachment Scale*

  • I find it difficult to allow myself to depend on others [Trust]

  • I often wonder that my partner does not really love me [Anxiety]

  • I am nervous when anyone gets too close [Closeness]

  • I know that others will be there when I need them [Trust]

  • I find that others are reluctant to get as close as I would like [Anxiety]

  • I am comfortable having others depend on me [Closeness]

  • * Source: Collins & Reid (1990)


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Relationship Conflict --- Some Issues

  • Jealousy ---

  • Men Sexual infidelity (60%)

  • Women Emotional infidelity (83%)

  • Communication ---

  • Demand-withdraw interaction pattern(Females wish to discuss problems, men avoid/withdraw from such discussions)

  • Sex

  • Children

  • Money

  • Different expectations


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