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I would like to thank you for coming to view my portfolio. Most of my works are of a comedic tone and hopefully you find them somewhat humorous. Thanks again for coming to my portfolio and I hope you enjoy it.Introduction
Table of Contents
People do not know how hard it is to be a pen. As paraphrased from Kermit the Frog, “It’s not easy being [a pen]”. As a pen I am constantly shaken. I feel my liquid insides go up and down my body. I feel like my nerdy user who is shaken by his bully everyday. Also that darn clicking get on my nerves, seriously. I get a headache every time my user clicks me during class. My brain, spring, just goes up and downand up and downlike a roller coaster. The other thing that bugs me is whenmy user uses me! He drains all of my blood, ink, and puts it on his stupid paper. Does he want me to die so he can pass his class? He needs to think more of me like he does his family. Luckily, I am able to be refilled unlike my ancestors.
I felt extremely sick while I was sitting by the swimming pool. I just sat back from eating a quadruple cheeseburger from Big Ole’ Joe’s Sammiches. My stomach felt like a roller coaster as I walked back to my seat. As I sat there with the Superman ride in my belly I started to think. I thought about how I would soup up my new 2010 Lincoln Navigator. Yeah, I got it three years early because of my time machine…oops...forget what I just said. After the “ride” in my stomach was over, I finally decided to get into the pool. As I was back stroking, I felt a bubble land on my eye. I quickly stood up while I closed my eye to rub. I continually rubbed, until my eyelids were red. As I opened my eyes, I looked to see what was bubbling. Of all things, it was a hillbilly taking a bath in the swimming pool! I quickly jumped out the water to avoid the indecent exposure. I had the worst day at the pool ever is what I was thinking; not knowing it would get worse. I was walking back to my chair as a little kid’s ball rolled under my foot and I slipped and fell breaking my back. I sat there and yelled for help.
I heard others go off running to call 911 and one of the kids asks, “Are you ok Mister?”
Dear Napoleon Bonaparte,
Man I just finished of the Greeks today. The Greeks did not know hit them. My men and I went to the battlefield and just owned them. I killed about 100 men, well we actually I just sat back and watched on top of a hill. That is beside the point of us winning. My clever tactics of waves of 1000 men worked perfectly. They were hit with 1000 men every five minutes. Good thing the fight lasted 17 minutes because my fourth fleet grew tired and went to sleep, ON THE BATTLEFIELD! Well other than my accomplishments, I hope your holding down your front against the Germans. I heard they will have a new leader in future years. Oops yeah, do not listen to what I just said I was only joking. It is not like I have a time machine or nothing…uh I’m just rambling…yea that is it I’m rambling. If you need help just write back and I will send some troops over the Alps and through the other countries to help you. Ok, I have to go my wife is cooking for the first time ever. Good luck.
I remember my first fireworks show,
We had no matches, and we had lighters,
So we all sat and wondered how to start this fire.
Little Johnny came over with a pair of rocks,
He dropped them in front of me.
I was able to scrape sparks from them and,
Finally light those fireworks.
As we all sat looking in the sky in astonishment,
We say that we had mixed sparks with stars.
It then came down to the last firework,
Which we called the Kiss of Emerald.
We watched that firework in all its splendor and,
Then went on with the night.
A bee flew into a helicopter’s windshield. The pilot decided he must get it off so he used his windshield washing fluid. As his wiper blades went back and forth he took his eyes of the sky. He looked out over the beautiful scenery of polluting factories. He swore he saw one smoke cloud that looked like Richard Nixon. He double-took and looked back down. He saw two cars slam into each other and he then thinks of his physics problem back in the Twelfth grade. He saw a huge explosion as the cars slammed into each other. He swerves to avoid the tire that shot up in his trajectory. As he continued on he saw the police on the scene already since the police officer was chasing one of the cars. He was flagged down by the officer to give a testimony. The pilot lands on an old man’s house scaring him half to death. He got out of the helicopter and went toward the cop. They held a very long discussion and then he was told to shove off. Little did he know that he would be for ever grounded because the old man trashed the helicopter by pulling it of his roof with his Ford F-150. Now his multi-million dollar helicopter is destroyed. This ruined his job because he is the owner of a famous helicopter escorting service. He was forced to go bankrupt because neither the old man or insurance had to pay for his loss. It was an unfortunate case since he had just bought the helicopter two hours ago.
By day we are students, by night we are roller skaters and bladders. Friday night my friends and I went skating. We went to the Cavalier skating rink in Stafford, Virginia. That night we all were having a good time going in circles. We laughed, joked, played, and had fun as we caught up with one another. Malcolm and I continually raced while bobbing and weaving, like boxers; through and around the other people (of course I won every time). We took a little break when the girls who we were with sat down. Once we were rolling again, he was struck with an idea. He thought it would be cool to get a picture of himself skating. I agreed to it thinking to myself that everything would be fine. As we were skating, I bent down a bit to get a good picture. After I took the picture, I ended up head butting a kid skating in front of me. Two things fell at that moment, and I was not one of them. It was the camera and the boy that fell. I felt so bad I stopped to pick up the camera and I was going to help the boy up, but he was sitting on the side already. At that point, my friend and I were laughing about what happened, and I watched the boy every time I was back on the side where he was sitting. He gave me glares and stares as if I was some child who was in trouble. He was talking to another kid which made me hope that he wasn’t plotting against me. I figured that they probably wanted to attack me when the kid pointed me out. Thankfully, I was wrong because I did not want to have to fight them off. The camera my friend brought luckily did not break into pieces, but it did stop turning on. From that point on, I learned do not take pictures while your skating, because it can turn out tragic for someone or something.
Comedic Poems Most of my works are of a comedic tone and hopefully you find them somewhat humorous. Thanks again for coming to my portfolio and I hope you enjoy it.
No Love for Froggie
On the Hunt Again
He is taking a snooze
He has nothing to lose
He has nothing to gain
Because thing will still be the same
He dreams of a life
Where he had a wife
He can not get one
Because of his hump attracts none
Low in the brush
Hiding is a must
So low you can almost touch
If not seen you will be crushed
All you can say
Is that your hunting your prey
It will be another day
That you will have fillet.
I started this essay hoping it was fine, to get extra credit for rhyming each line. In this essay we can not be crude, so let me start with what my person likes to do. My person is not an academic dork, and my person does like to play sports. My person’s sport deals with water, and it started in the third quarter. If you think my person’s sport deals with swimming, then I know for sure your brain is swimming. Hint hint my person uses biremes, which also may cause some grunting. I take it that that clue has not helped, I thought you all would have guessed. You know what here’s what I will do, I will help you out with another clue. My person’s background isn’t boring, because their background is a quarter foreign. My person has family from the Caribbean, a two word country that rhymes with potato pecan. Wow by now I think you would have known, from the looks of it it has not shown. Here you go the very next clue, maybe this time you will know who. My person loves using colors one after anotha’ and, to show an objects true splenda’. This may not be my person’s career, but this talent needs to be revered. Still have not gotten it, do you live under a rock? I must say that you really out to be socked. Ok, I will give your brains one more rattle, after this one I think I will skedaddle. My person’s favorite color is what she wears; you know this because it is in my person’s hair. No more clues shall be told, and my rhymes are getting pretty old. As you know my poem is to rhyme, now I am coming upon the ending line. Now every in the class says, my person is Laurel Rodriguez.
“Well, Doctor, it’s like this. I was playing basketball during recess. You know how the poles are in the ground outside of the cement right? Well, I was playing pretty horribly that day. As I was going in for a lay-up I was tripped and I feel into the dirt patch behind and under the hoop. I got up and felt a strange pain in my right hand. I looked to find a cut on my hand that was in the shape of MJ. So I got up and went to the nurse for a band aid. When I came back outside I made five shots in-a-row. I was so excited that I figured that this was my “Like Mike” story. As time was running out for recess the score was tied. Of course my teammates gave me the ball because I was “hot”. I shot the ball and air-balled. I found out the other team gave me those shots and lay-ups because they felt bad for me. I was no different than I was before the cut. So I threw away my “Like Mike” movies as soon when I got home.”
One early morning I woke up and decided to start my day. My wife and children were all still asleep. I flew over to the water to take my bath. After I splashed around in the water, I decided to get something to eat. I flew down to the ground and started poking around through the ground. I found a few nice juicy worms and brought some home to the family. We all are sitting in our home eating when our starts to shake. We all have no clue what is going on till we look and see this boy destroying our property. We fly around him to stop him from destroying our house but he continues. Eventually, he cuts down the tree and our home falls to the ground in pieces, leaving us homeless. We venture inside his house and tell his parents. We all go outside and his parents spoke to him.
“George did you chop down the cherry tree and leave these birds homeless,” his father asked.
He replied, “I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I cut down the cherry tree and left them homeless.” He turned to me and said, “I apologize for the inconvenience. As a matter of fact, you can live in my room.” I agreed and that is how birds started to live in houses.
Dressed in a disguise, I was Pilgrim Bob for the school play. We were going to hold the play during school right after all the lunches. As I was walking with my lunch tray, my costume was dragging on the ground. I attempted to pull it up but I missed. The next time I tried it was to late some one had already stepped on it. My body jerked forward and my tray backward on to the costume. To top it all off, the costume ripped as I was jerked forward. I was jerked forward. I was so mad I flipped out. I turned around and started yelling at the person. When I stopped to see who it was, I noticed it was my rival, Foreigner Joe, in the play and real life. That made me even angrier. I took his tray and smashed all the contents on his face. This turned his smiling face into an angry one. WE then started fighting right there in the cafeteria. We were throwing punches, kicking, smashing each others heads, and any other thing we could thing of until security broke us up. We went to the principal’s office to explain our case. It did not work, we both got 5 days suspension. We then pleaded to at least do the play and he said okay, as long as we did not fight again or it would be 10 days instead of 5. As we ran back we did not look at each other once. We got back just in time for the play to start. Right as the curtains opened, the Alumni from 2006 came on stage and ruined the play scenery. Then they tortured some of the characters making them very nervous. The play was cancelled and the Alumni were escorted out. This WAS the WORST day EVER!
If vegetable could talk I would have trouble eating them. It is almost like eating your hamburger as it talks to you. I would still dislike the vegetables I dislike now but I would have to disassociate myself from them if they gained the ability to talk. It would be scary to walk down the aisle at the grocery store and hear a carrot whisper to you. You look along the aisle and see no person their. You then hear the whisper and start to find out where it is coming from. You then learn that a carrot was whispering to you so you could beg him. It would be odd to hold a conversation with your veggies at the dinner table. You’re trying to enjoy your dinner and it speaks to you all the way down your throat. You also hear the screams as you chew them up.
Dear Robert Herrick,
I really enjoyed your poem you wrote to the ladies. I was talking with some of my associates the other day over a cup of tea. We were all saying that we should hurry up and get married. We all said we wanted beautiful wives between the ages of 18 and 21. Since all me know that that is when women are in their “prime”. I especially like young women because…I am sorry my mind goes off some times, but back to the matter at hand.
I found the poem to be sophisticated but yet simple. I know this may be contradictory but that was how I perceived it. Maybe I am saying that the words were sophisticated but the meaning was simple. Using your rhyme scheme of virtually ABAB, you created a simple rhythm that was hard to notice. You perfectly used your metaphors to your advantage. It helped me understand exactly how you felt about this crisis. I am glad you took the initiative to explain this predicament to the young ladies out there. Hopefully many young ladies do not see this and think they should go out and become ladies of the night. It would not be good at all to have a child that is having sexual relations before they are married. It is unchristian like which is another thing that I felt was a great part about this poem. You kept the religious aspect of life into this poem. This poem will definitely help them understand how important their future needs to be handled.
Clyde “Get Down” Johnson is on his way to the disco club. He is going to the new disco club called Groovy Moves on Hip Street. As Clyde strides down the street he chose to wear his orange shirt and blue bell bottom jeans with his white platform shoes. He passes by all the flashing neon lights of the local businesses and clubs and you see his afro change to all the different colors. Purple, pink, green, red, and blue were some of the colors, dying his hair as he walked. He passes the gas station right up the corner of the Club called Keepin’ Ya Movin’. He then gets in line to go into the club and he notices his best friend’s favorite liquor store called Bad Day, Good Night. He is then called to the front of the line by the bouncer. Clyde is the best dancer in Muchsoul, Chicago. He is treated like a celebrity in all the clubs. Clyde enters the clubs and immediately hits the floor. After about two hours, he decides to go and have a chance to rest. He sits at the bar, orders a drink, and looks on all the people to see who he will dance with next. One lady in particular catches his attention. She has a beautiful face and body that every guy in the club has noticed. As he gets closer he notices that she is his girlfriend, “Disco” Donna Smith. He confronts her as she is kissing on the man she is dancing with.
“DONNA,” he yells, “What are you doing here? What are you doing with him? What about us!?”
“Oh,” she pauses, “Well I came here to dance because your moves are getting stale and I decided were through,” and she continues dancing.
The guy then says, “Yea’ CHUMP”! Clyde looks around and sees everyone staring at him so he walks out in a hurry in anger and humiliation. He walks home because if he runs he knows he will break an ankle in his platforms. He gets home and
trashes his place from all the things that reminds him of her. He throws it all in a trash bag and sits it out on the curb to be picked up tomorrow night. He then lies down to listen to Boogie Nights to soothe him to sleep. He wakes up the next morning finding out its 10:52 AM. This will be the third time this week he is late for the third time this week and his boss told him if he was late one more time he would fire him. Clyde decides since his life is already ruined he mind as well skip work and look for another job later. He gets himself ready for the day and then goes out for lunch. He recognizes an eviction notice on his door as he goes lock the door. He goes to the corner store to get some thing to drink on this 80 degree afternoon. As he drinks his Sprite and a strange woman walks up to him. Clyde figures she wants to talk to him because of his status so he starts fixing himself up.
She walks over and says, “Hey aren’t you that guy Clyde?”
“Why yes I am and may I ask who you are,” replied slyly by Clyde.
“Oh ok so you’re the one who got humiliated when you found out your girlfriend was cheating on you. Now I know who you are. By the way, my name is no concern of yours, because you are a nobody,” she said and walked away in disgust. Clyde has once again become humiliated and decides to go home. His whole life has come down in less than 24 hours. He decides to take a nap and sleep off some of this horrible day. As he is napping he hears a loud knocking at his door. Then he hears a loud boom and the door flies into his home. He starts to get out of bed as he is beaten down with punches. He is then wrapped up in his comforter and dragged out of his home. He is then thrown into the back of a van and knocked unconscious from a vicious blow to his head as he lands. He later wakes up to be wrapped up in chair in a pitch black room. Clyde struggles to get
free but without the ability to see he can not figure out how to do it. He starts hoping with the chair and eventually it tips over and he falls flat on his face. He rolls the chair over and then hears a strange voice on the PA system.
“Welcome to your new home Clyde,” it said, “hopefully you will enjoy your eternity here.”
“Why are you doing this to me,” he yells back hoping for an answer but does not receive one. Clyde sits in the dark again struggling to get free and for a minute feels as if his hands are free. He lifts to hands to find out they were wrapped twice. Clyde then does the only thing he can do, sleep. When he wakes up he can see red and blue flashing lights. Clyde’s spirit rises as because he knows they are here for him.
Clyde hears the police say, “Alright you desperate little hippies give it up because your time is up. Your little movement is over, so just come out peacefully and this will all be over. There is no need to take drastic measures since you claim love and peace. Kidnapping is NOT VERY PEACEFUL! I’ll give you to the count of ten before we break the door down. One, two, three,” the cop counts. In that time Clyde hears a door open and kidnappers running toward him.
“Four, five, six,” the cop continues as the kidnappers untie him.
“Seven, eight, nine,” the cop says then stops as the kidnappers open the garage door. One kidnapper grabs Clyde and puts him in the hostage position while the others start to shoot at the cops. He hears all the gun shots and cringes at the fact that he might die. He continues to be walked forward when he finally notices he is outside. He then sees all the carnage. Then he notices the chief because he is wearing a different hat than the other. The chief shoots towards Clyde. Clyde looks at the bullet go in slow motion
like time was being stopped. Clyde watches his life go before his eyes. Then he hears the bullet hit and he drops to the ground still in the kidnappers arms. Clyde hears the shooting stop and opens his eyes to see blood all over his face and shirt and swears he is a goner.
The chief walks over and says, “Are you all right son?”
Clyde replies, “No sir, can’t you see I’m dead?’
“Son,” he says while smiling, “You aren’t dead you just have blood on your face. I shot right past you and killed the guy that was holding you. I’ve got a nice shot, ey?”
Clyde laughs it off and gets up. He gets into the cop car and he is driven home. On his return home he goes through his door less house and decides to go to sleep after his long experience of, hurting, struggling, and sleeping.
Clyde learns from his experience that life is short and he should live life to the fullest. Clyde gets a new job at Keepin’ Ya Movin’ because he loves dancing and has lots of fun. He is doing a lot of hoping and waiting, for a new woman in his life. Finally, Clyde decided that he would stay as far away from hippies as he could.
Here is a poem
It’s about a guy named Jack
You probably don’t know’um
But this guy is full of crap
He loves to tell a lie
But he never knew that
one day his lies wont fly
And he be stuck in a trap
This trap was the thing
That finally got him caught
Who knew he would bring
The illegal stuff he bought
Sometimes people don’t know what to do
So they try and try but they don’t get a clue
That thing, that thought it just does not come through
In my case its this poem called poem number two
It makes me wanna just throw my shoe
Ill sit back and watch and talk about how it flew
I really hope that it doesn’t hit Drew
Maybe if he’s lucky I wont throw my glue
I sit here and look at the background which is blue
I see how much this poem actually grew
I re-read the poem and see that half of this true.
So if your near me just hope your names not Drew.
As a writer I have gained much knowledge over the semester. I
learned to put gerunds into my writing. I also learned many
different types of genre allowing myself to extend out of my
comfort zone of writing. I started to use more dialogue in my AP
English 12 Class. But, in my case I now quote more in
preparation for the AP Exam. I would say my best writing is my
Historical Fiction. I would say so because it is the most elaborate
and I had fun writing it. I felt I had the most fun with some of the
journals. Sometimes they were humorous, sometimes they were
serious, and sometimes they were outrageous. I think I would
need to continue to learn more techniques to spiff up my writing
and I would need to learn more genres in case I need to write in
one of those genres in the future.
If I changed my identity I would be a villain. I’d be tremendously mean. I wouldn’t be nice AT ALL. I wouldn’t come to school and I wouldn’t help people in need. Maybe ill call 119 for the heck of it. I’d beat people up with any thing I could find and I wouldn’t show any remorse. I would yell at everyone I saw. If I saw someone I didn’t know I’d slap them and walk off.
I sit and I think about how the day is almost over. I think about what I will do when I get home and what I have planned to do that night. Usually, I am trying to figure out whether I can play video games or not. As I venture out of my head I am in an uncomfortable seat. The desks are too small for the average height person. Then I think about how I do not want to be here in school. I could be home sleeping, playing games, eating, or even reading just so that I was not in school.
I don’t believe in superstitions. It doesn’t mean I will go around breaking mirrors, walking under ladders, etc. But I won’t walk around scared to do this or that. I step on cracks and my mothers back is fine. It makes people believe in fake things. People spread it around like rumors to make people scared of doing what they love. People are just pretty gullible these days.
At night there are people still hanging out. We all know we have school in the morning but we do not care. We would rather continue our fun. Sometimes we play basketball in complete darkness with light only coming from passing cars. Sometimes we just sit around and talk. You will always see smokers outside smoking of course and the cops looking to pull over suspicious kids and cars. The cops are always out and driving through my neighborhood. I suppose because there is something “hot” here.
Humans which are our creators are becoming obsolete. They pollute the air using their cars, factories, and habits. This air they pollute is the same air they breathe. So virtually they are committing suicide. Machines like us robots just run on a non-polluting power source, electricity. Whether it is battery power or from a regular power outlet, that is how we survive.
A clock, and just look at that thing
It saying 2:02 and it still doesn’t ring
School without all the rules
no you can’t because that would be too cool
A dude as tall as this room
A dude as small as a mushroom
A world without peace
A would without streets
Brown grizzly bears swim
Fall brings fish jumping up falls
Snack time for the bears
To live a long time means
to be sad starting off
But ending off happy
is all a person wants
Denied from a school to
the birth of your new baby
Example of bad to
good of events in life
Howcan you live with
Shoes all over the floor man
Clothes hanging on doors
Papers in the messiest piles
And the yells of your mad mom
Mutter, putter, says the big car
choke, choke, goes the human being
Just like a car needs fixing
the Heimlich maneuver fixes too.
Are you tired of wasting tons of money on getting your hair braided? Are you too lazy to get your haircut or just don’t have the time to get you haircut? Well here’s the perfect product for you. “NO FRO” gives you the ability to cut hair to the desired length instantly. The longer you spray the shorter your hair, the shorter you spray a little bit of hair will be gone. You’ve seen me in the “FRO GROW” commercial
(Scenes from “FRO GROW” commercial)
where I instantly grew a fro from this amazing product but now I’ve spent thousands of dollars on getting my hair braided. I had to get my hair short for an event and needed it done quickly so I sprayed it on and WALLAH. Need your hair cut for a wedding in one hour
(Clip of guy in groom suit with a fro)
(Guy now has his hair cut)
Your boyfriend’s hair is too wild
(Clip of a guy with a wild)
No problem…cut it while he’s sleeping
(Show woman cut it and provide a disclaimer)
Just call 1-800-FRO-COMP (1-800-376-2667)
Only $20.00 included in shipping and handling.
Jim is six years old and carries his teddy bear, Mark, around with him everywhere. He lives in a Maine with his parents in a Suburban neighborhood. He did everything with Mark until the day his friends made fun of Mark. Jim had to choose between his friends and Mark.
How could they not accept you? I have been with you for five years, and they want me to abandon you now! I just do not think its right for them to do that to us. I mean Linus walked around with a blanket so why can’t I walk around with you? I just do not understand why they are being so cruel. I mean, you being so cute, cuddly, and soft and me so small and cool. I guess I have to decide. Keep you and loose my friends or drop you and have fun with them.
As a writer I developed many techniques from my English teachers on how to write. From ways to stimulate writing to broadening my writing it has all paid off. I think my best pieces of writings are my poems because they are humorous. I also like my journals because some are also humorous. I feel my strengths are my ideas but I do not always organize them in a good way to capitalize on a great paper. I learned that I was a better writer than I thought which makes me happy. Once I get better at organizing my ideas my papers will be better than ever.